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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:
TeaQuiero · 22/04/2017 09:13

Statistically the most dangerous person in a child's life is an unrelated male brought into the home.

Like an ill-trained dog, this man is already snarling at and bullying your daughter.

Both of your children need to be kept safe.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 22/04/2017 09:52

OP, as I said upthread, dump him by all means. But he is forever tied to you via DD2, and when she gets a little older and starts behaving in the same way as DD1, how are you going to deal with that when you're not there to "police" him? IMHO you need to do absolutely everything in your power to try and get him to understand child psychology and behaviour whilst you still have him around. You've said you've spoken to him, that you've tried, but if your approach has been a little off he won't be receptive, ie if he feels like you're accusing him of being crap (even if that's true) he'll shut down. I know it's BS and swallowing your pride but perhaps if you said something like you (rather than him) need to learn more about parenting and would he go to a class with you for support, or read a book with you to help you understand it, it would help. A little bit of reverse psychology could help maybe? Because splitting up doesn't completely improve the situation does it, it only stops DD1 being with him.

60percentbanana · 22/04/2017 10:19

Ricecrispies, my eldest daughter is not biologically my husband's. I had her at 19, met my future husband not long after and he was the same age. He was 20 when he met her, and 21 when we moved in together (and she was 2). I made it crystal clear from the beginning that I would put her first and would leave any man who didn't treat her equally and put her first. It was a conversation I had with him before the first date. I've had to remind him of that promise two or three times in the years since, at most - for far less than your partner has done and mostly during the teenage years when our daughter has been frankly awful and a saint would have been hard pushed not to react.

My point is that my husband was immature, hugely so. He was the baby of his family, looked after by his stay at home mom, no independence of his own really, let alone any idea of how to understand or parent a small child. Immaturity is no excuse. He did it because he had spades of patience, and because his heart was in it. He set out to make her his own daughter, to be her dad. When we added another child almost five years in I'm sure the feelings for his biological child might have been different, but he never ever showed it.

Your partner is undoubtedly immature and inexperienced as a parent. However that's not the problem - the problem is that he isn't intending to parent your daughter as she deserves. He doesn't have that mindset. The instances where he is treating her as less - they're small things, and if he had the right mindset they shouldn't have caused him to bicker back. They were just Day to day toddler behaviour, not any real test of his patience.

My eldest is in her late teens now and we appear to have survived the teen years mostly unscathed. The toddler years, where my daughter was cute, compliant and an only child were the easiest by far. As she got older and developed ideas and opinions of her own, independent relationships with siblings etc, it got harder. It's going to become worse for you. When your children bicker, your partner will naturally side with your youngest because he doesn't have the restraint not to. He will give the youngest more of himself, his time and love. He will poison the relationship between them in doing that - the youngest will know she can win any squabble by running to dad, knowing he will side with her. And god help you during the teenage years. Those were hard, hard enough to make me daydream about doing a reggie Perrin some days. I can't imagine how they would pan out with the toxic family set up that you're describing.

I don't think you have any choice but to ltb. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face but you can't make him want to be the sort of step parent your eldest needs, and if he isn't that already he never will be.

2014newme · 22/04/2017 12:04

The fact that you are involving what you call "bastards" in your dds life says it all. Poor child. Mummys repeated crap relationship choices aren't her fault, she just has to live with having a mum who puts unsuitable men before her dds welfare.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 22/04/2017 12:23

2014 I'm guessing you've never once in your life met someone who turned out to be a bastard then? Or let me guess, you are so perfect that you just somehow knew at the initial meeting point yes?

OP posts:
sunshineon · 22/04/2017 12:27

I'm sorry but anyone that bickers with a 3 year old and treats them like that is in a word an arsehole. It sounds to me like you are being very reasonable considering his behaviour and have handled it very well but you should not be made to feel stuck in the middle because he should be treating your older dd with love and not making her feel like she is just a spare part. Just because he is not her 'biological' father doesn't mean he can't be a loving stepfather. My best friend has the same family unit and her husband treats her 4 year old as though he was his own. Does your DD see her Daddy if you don't mind me asking? It would be a shame if your partner is her only Father figure and continues to treat her like that.

2014newme · 22/04/2017 12:47

No I've never ever had a,relationship with a "bastard", if I did I would hope to learn from that and not do the exact same thing again. There are plenty of lovely men, why not choose one of those? #baffled

2014newme · 22/04/2017 12:48

It's like an episode of shameless!

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 22/04/2017 13:03

Well good for you, like I said, you must have an ability the rest of us don't, to be able to read people's minds to check if they'll turn out to be bastards. If only I was psychic Hmm

OP posts:
sunshineon · 22/04/2017 13:03

Apologies I've seen you said she has a relationship with her father which sounds very good.

sunshineon · 22/04/2017 13:10

I agree with you ricecrispies, if anyone had the ability to predict men being bastards later on down the line then they would never get in a relationship with them!! Most of them only show their true colours later or much later on!!

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 13:16

I suspect 2014 is the reincarnation of Ena Sharples.

2014newme · 22/04/2017 13:17

Er, op only knew this guy for a very short time before shacking up with him. #epicfail
It's not hard to avoid relationships with idiots. You just have to not be one yourself! Bouncing into parenthood before you know someone well=bad idea. It doesn't take physic powers just a teeny bit of common sense! 😀

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 13:18

Or Edna Birch.

QuiteLikely5 · 22/04/2017 13:29

Op

I feel for you, a terrible predicament.

Arguing at three years old is pointless and not good.

In his eyes I believe the kids are different, he really should be looking at them as one and the same.

Always remember you can choose who to bring into your child's life, you decide who and where she lives; she's relying on you to pick the best people to expose her to. She is powerless.

The fact that you have posted here with your dilemma shows you are a strong protective factor for your child.

So many people reading in the sane position wouldn't have the balls to post here.

You will get out of your children what you put into them. That follows for life. Expose your children to as much positivity as possible.

Any negative and persistent actions or experiences will have an adverse effect on a child's character both now and in their future.

WishfulThanking · 22/04/2017 14:08

Good post Quitlikely

Good for you, OP, taking on board what must be very difficult to hear comments. You sound like you want the best for your DDs.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 22/04/2017 14:20

2014 how old are you? It's just that the tone of your replies on here imply you have an immature mind of your own.... #epicfail and all that. Pretty sure even my teenage sister has passed that stage. You have some front coming on here and calling me an idiot in a round about way, do you enjoy attempting to put others down in an effort to make yourself feel better? Sorry to say you haven't succeeded with me. In fact you've made yourself seem nothing more than a nasty piece of work with nothing better to do with her day than try to upset others. I do hope that's not an example you set to your own children? Certainly wouldn't stand well against this perfect image of yourself you seem so desperate to portray. Also, saying that it's not hard to avoid a relationship with an idiot is highly offensive to any woman on here that's found herself in an abusive relationship. Should DV have picked better?
Shameless? That would be you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 22/04/2017 14:20

Thanks to all that have offered constructive advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 22/04/2017 14:21

DV Victims*

OP posts:
PaulDacresFeministConscience · 22/04/2017 14:48

It's like an episode of shameless!

Gosh, aren't you a delight? Hmm

What fun, busy sitting behind your keyboard blithely overlooking the fact that this is someone's actual life. If you want entertainment then go and watch telly and stop behaving like a nasty cunt.

TeenyfTroon · 22/04/2017 15:04

Quite agree Paul, and I genuinely hope 2014 never finds out just how easy it is to make a mistake, even when you think you are far too clever to do such a stupid thing.
Ricecrispies, I wish you strength to deal with the fallout when you split. Keep listening to your instincts. They are seldom wrong. Flowers

Sugarformyhoney · 22/04/2017 15:05

Your DP doesn't sound very emotionally mature. Maybe it would be better that he lives elsewhere if he is struggling to be a mature adult. Just because he is the baby's dad
doesn't mean you have to live together
As for the choosing better comments.. no need to be a prick. The op did what she thought best in the situation.

WishfulThanking · 22/04/2017 15:16

Well said, Rice Star

MiddleClassProblem · 22/04/2017 15:16

2014newme you are the idiot your partner is having a relationship with

2014newme · 22/04/2017 15:26

Meh this is nothing like a dv case. 🙄
My dad had laods of crappy relationships when I was a child so I've experienced it from a kids point of view.

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