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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:47

I have two children.

I could cry it's just awful. He's a great dad to the baby - a bit lazy, gets a bit stressed at times but loves the bones of her, it's clear to see.

I don't see it with my dd.

What's normal and what's not? Is it meant to be like this? Am I being too protective? Or am I right in feeling like it's not good enough?

So many thoughts racing through my head

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/04/2017 23:48

You can't let her be treated like that. It'll be so damaging. She needs you to stand up for her.

ChasedByBees · 20/04/2017 23:49

I think you're right - it's not good enough.

stoopido · 20/04/2017 23:49

He sounds childish and I would be seriously concerned about him arguing with a 3 year old. If you don't trust his parenting I don't see a future.

Monkeydust · 20/04/2017 23:50

Not a helpful comment but I honestly want to cry for your little 3 year old =(.
I have no advice but I really hope things get better for you =(

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:51

This is the thing. I stand up for her each and every single time. But then he says I'm undermining him, this is why we are having issues and that this is why she has no respect for him.

I end up feeling like I'm in the wrong somehow

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 20/04/2017 23:51

I would not be with a man who treated my daughter like that. I appreciate you have a child with him now, but your older daughter will be damaged if this man fails to treat her equally.

I know people who had step parents from a young age, some were loved and are well rounded individuals, others were treated differently to the subsequent children born, more harshly.

The latter adults say things like "I was well cared for" when talking about their childhood, not "I was loved". A minor semantic difference but one which speaks volumes about their upbringing.

PointlessUsername · 20/04/2017 23:53

This wont be good for either of the girls growing up.

I would give him a ultimatium treat them equally or fuck off.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 23:54

You certainly are in the wrong. For subjecting your daughter to a man that treats her like a 2nd class citizen.

You have 3 children.

Moanyoldcow · 20/04/2017 23:55

What's he like generally? Responsible? Hard worker? Respectful? Nice to your friends?

You say you can see he loves the baby to bits but love is shown by actions - does he get up with her? Feed her? Change her? All the proper parent stuff that's more important than taking cute pics and telling you he loves her?

What's his character like? I've got my suspicions but I'm interested in how you'd describe him.

gamerchick · 20/04/2017 23:56

I think 3 is a crucial year for toddlers when it comes to mapping out their attachment mental health to last the rest of their lives.

If you won't leave her alone with him for whatever reason, that pretty much tells you your future relationship wise.

JayneAusten · 20/04/2017 23:57

I'm afraid that you've just pushed this whole situation on both of them too fast and it can't be fixed. Step-parenting relationships take a lot of time and patience to develop. Rarely do they ever become equal to the love you feel for your own child. He's become a step parent at virtually the same time he's become a father - of course there's no comparison between the way he feels about both of them, and that's normal and to be expected. What is NOT normal is bickering with a 3 year old, hitting her ('batting' is hitting), living in a house with a child that you are not responsible or safe enough to look after unsupervised etc.

This is a really horrible situation for your daughter and it is not going to get any better. Unfortunately there is now a second child stuck in the mix. I think you need to put your older child first and separate, because it's really unhealthy for her to live with a man who clearly dislikes her. Your baby daughter will grow up with separated parents because you jumped into this too fast and not with the best interests of your older DD in mind. You'll just have to live with that.

RainbowJack · 20/04/2017 23:58

Rainbow, where have I chosen a man over my child??

The OP and "far too much back story" clearly this isn't something that has just come up.

You chose to be with a man who treats your child like an inconvenience and now she's going to have to grow up with her little sister being the favourite by the father figure in her life.

ShoesHaveSouls · 20/04/2017 23:59

Oh gosh, OP - that is horrible.

It is really difficult - step-parents that genuinely see step children as their own are few and far between. I know, my brother & I were the 'inbetweenies' of 2 parents who both remarried and had more children. We were never treated the 'same' as either new sets of children Sad But we did all rub along together - it wasn't that awful or anything and I adore my half & step siblings.

My mother was always acting as a barrier between us and our step-dad when we little. That might be your future. Sorry. I do think my brother's and my self-worth was affected.

I don't like the sound of his "rocky" relationship with a 3 yr old at all. My step dad was lovely to us at first - and is now - we had a rocky period during the teens. A 3 yr old - he needs to show some patience and understanding to.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 00:00

Moany - take a guess..

Jayne - thanks for that, really helpful Hmm

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 21/04/2017 00:03

While the comment was harsh about choosing him over your dad was regarding saying they have always had a rocky relationship. I have to admit I did raise an eyebrow at that because it does raise the question that if things were never good why did you move in with him and have another baby?
My dh is step dad to all 3 of mine and he would not have been living with us if he hadn't built up a good relationship with them beforehand. Yes the dynamic did change when he moved in and was here all the time but things were never rocky with the dc and they always got on.

BrianCantsPants · 21/04/2017 00:03

At the risk of being a lone voice, I wonder if your DP has any previous experience of children? My partner who I've been with for nearly 2 years, we don't live together if that's relevant, has absolutely no idea how to interact with my 8, 10 and 12 year olds. He can just about manage the 14 year old but this is because he treats her as another adult.

I've had to quietly explain that they don't see things as adults do, their behaviour isn't as restrained or tactful as adults but this is not wrong, it's a learning curve the children are on.
He's been a lot better, more tolerant with them since then, but I do still need to remind him (not in front of the children) occasionally.

Not saying you have nothing to worry about but if he has only your daughter and baby as his experience of children, then unless you explain child development to him, he's not going to know.

Flowers I hope things work out.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/04/2017 00:03

Sounds like you've picked a real prince among men here op. I'd end the relationship, for the sake of both your daughters, it clearly has no legs.

Moanyoldcow · 21/04/2017 00:04

Lazy fucksock then?

You know what you have to do.

FWIW - I was a stepchild. Step dad was 'fine' but didn't love me, show me support etc. Favoured his daughters (my sisters with whom I have a challenging relationship). It's shit, living like that.

I'm better than fine now and extremely happily married with one child together but that upbringing scarred, me and I never believed a man would really love me until I met my husband.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 00:07

Well in the beginning it was great. He was great with her, it's only when she started to become more difficult around 2yo that these things started happening.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/04/2017 00:09

Jayne - thanks for that, really helpful Hmm

I actually think it is helpful and I was coming on to say the same thing.

OK nothing can be done now about the speed at which you started a relationship and got pregnant.

But at the same time, the relationship between him and your daughter needed far more time to grow before adding another baby into the mix.

GabsAlot · 21/04/2017 00:11

i think the point was op if it been rocky between him and your dd why have a baby with him

hes favouring one over the other-its never going to work

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 00:11

I do know what I need to do. It's just so hard.

I'm scared of the mess that awaits me if I end it. He will be more than difficult if we end things with regards to access arrangements, financial support of the baby.

He can be quite childish, swears, gets frustrated easily etc I'd feel really anxious about him having the baby at his parents house. That's where he'd go, he and his family would sit saying awful things about me and I just hate the thought of my daughter being there to listen to it all.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 21/04/2017 00:11

The thing is, it doesn't sound like he cares about improving things.

How can you live long-term with someone like this? Your children need to be your priority.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 00:12

And he is childish. I would get absolutely no say in what happened when he has her. It'd make me so so anxious. What can I do?

OP posts:
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