AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

Wth is going on?! You're a total control freak!

Something in the water on MN tonight?!

Fucking hell

Op you have a problem with control and your dh is getting fed up with it. If you can't see it from your posts then your marriage will be in trouble in the future.

I reckon it's a film and it will end by cutesey child/animal/creature-thought-up-by-the-Special-Effects-department dancing in and teaching the OP to be SPONTANEOUS and LIVE FOR THE DAY and then they will all break into the theme song and live happily ever after.

You sound like a nightmare! Hyacinth Bucket doesn't even touch what you are!

user1492637408
but I suppose I could try and give him the reins a bit if it meant he would stop pushing back on the other things. He could start with breakfasts blush

YAB massively unreasonable. WTF - give him the reins a bit? He's not a toddler! I would have lasted about a week with your batty rules - the guy must be a saint.

I would throw the rules out before he throws you out OP.

It can't be a film plot
The clothes stuff is too dull.

Yes I agree that he has seen his future measured out in coffee spoons as the poem says and is trying too reengage with life. If you have decided not to have children or pets at any time then he has seen the shape of the rest of his life.

True, Goldfish. And it would be difficult to get a good song and dance routine out of the Tupperware.

Wow! Just wow!

You sound suffocating. I am well involved in meal planning, however more than happy to leave the Tupperware in the fridge for a takeaway when we fancy it. Where's the spontaneity? Where's the space?

i fall into your dh's category of 'can't cook' etc.........yet i still manage to feed myself and others

it sounds as though YOU are not happy unless things are done your way.

do you have ocd? you sound incredibly controlling and inflexible.

when was the last time he had a takeaway?
is there anything in the 'rule book' that HE got to decide?

you're meant to be his WIFE - not MOTHER!

I take it sex is also subject to 'routine' and quite 'vanilla' in it's style?

Six day old chilli

Not envy btw. I have no envy for any of it.

Bu but bu but but one of the most FUN things about long term relationships is the mutual little wars over the homestead.

Dh and I have be surruptiously adjusting the kitchen table back and forth to our preferrered position for eighteen months now.

I leave the dishwasher not quite shut to see if I can get the vein in his head to twitch.

He turns the toilet roll backward in retaliation or goes to Aldi and buys Tupperware.

I can't believe you're both denying yourselves all this fun.

I'm Team Op's Dh and am in favour of his rebellion.

There's some proper barmy threads on MN atm- I mean, there's always some posters totally lacking in normal human awareness, but tonight it's looney overload

Some people thrive on routine and if on a diet or for medical reasons, having to prepare meals/not just order food spontaneously, you can become fixed with routine in other areas of your life.
It seems like your OH is wanting spontaneity/break from the 'rules' ...maybe have a chat about what you do want in life etc now, if you wanted same things when rules were made then ask what has changed? Maybe visit somewhere different, book an activity you would not normally do...or if that seems extreme, write down what would happen if you did change some rules/ way things are done...talk to your OH and take it from there, I hope you are able to resolve his current change of mood

Honestly, I can't believe it's taken him this long to rebel. I imagine he's not the assertive type? If not, it's probably what attracted you to him in the first place being so super controlling. Now that he doesn't want to be so compliant, it's causing issues when really, he's not doing anything wrong.
Sounds like a horrid way to live being so micromanaged and controlled that way.

You are a massive control freak, he feels stifled, he's spoken to friends about it, they have advised him to take a little control back.

That's how it seems to me anyway.

This has to be a reverse. Poor guy- let him have a pet. Something to love.

OP, you are getting a kicking and I think it's unfair. From your OP your DH has been ok with your life for 4.5 years. If he wants to change things now he needs to tell you why, not "huff and puff" if you talk to him.

If he has not been ok with the way your lives have run for 4.5 years and has now decided to make a change then he should discuss it with you rather than making confusing changes e.g. the clothes and you need to be open to discussion (which it sounds like you are).

Basically, you've been doing stuff you thought he was happy with. If he's not happy with it he needs to tell you. Food and clothes seem to be the main one here.

However, there are some basic household "rules" or "agreements" that should not be changed for no good reason. Keeping keys in the key pot is not you being "controlling"; it's just where the keys go. Moving them means you cannot find them. That's an odd thing to do. If he wants to change where you keep the keys then, fine, have a conversation about it, but just randomly moving them looks like trying to prove a point.

So what is his point? DH needs to use his words, not make you guess.

DH needs to use his words

Another person who is infantilising the poor sod

I suspect he's lost his words after letting himself be controlled
His first attempts at finding them will be incoherent but then he'll go all Katy Perry and Roar! And leave.