AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

The OP has gone because responding is part of a carefully controlled schedule.

She will come back online once her daily planner gives her the slot to do so.

It's like Gina Ford for husbands .

People like this do really exist.
I used to work with a woman (ten years younger than me) who used to lay her DH's clothes out for him to wear in the morning.
She planned all their meals each month.
Cleaned out her kitchen cupboards every fortnight.
And clean her curtains on the same date each year. Spring clean her house completely (cookers, fridge the lot) before she went on holiday. She brought her own hand towel and mug to work, and take them home with her each night to wash.
Me, being a slattern, would stand open mouthed at each revelation. Her husband had no control whatsoever over any of her household schedule.
Just the thought of it made me feel like I was choking with suffocation.

It's like Gina Ford for husbands

I want the op back!

The op has now thankfully spent the last two hours,emptying all the contents of her tupperware boxes,into the kitchen caddy.
Every item of summer and winter clothing is now in one huge pile on the spare bedroom floor. The spare keys are now hanging on a nail on the back door, and she has decided that they are going to both have a picnic in the park on three nights next week.She has also told her husband that she will let him have a little goldfish soon, as a starter pet.

Surely you aren't for real!!

Come back. Give me more belly laughs about your rigid and lunatic routines.

I think your DH deserves an OBE for putting up with any of this. I wouldn't.

Wow. And I thought I'm anal with my "using specific fork and teaspoon" thing.

I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them

Is this you?

Our dog gets more freedom of will than your DH. Why on earth won't you allow a grown man input into his own meals and clothes?

Either you are a troll or there's something really wrong with you!

Skip to 39 seconds, and you'll find what the OP reminds me of.

"I've scheduled fun from 15:00 - 16:00"

Christ on a bike!
The man wants a wife, not another mother.

THANK GOD you don't want children. They would be a couple of fucked up bunnies released on the world.

I'm not surprised you don't want children though. You've completely infantilised your dh so what purpose would they serve in your life? . Don't be surprised when one day he leaves you for an impulsive and loving woman. He will find her very exotic, when in fact she's probably very normal.

Is this thread for real??

Surely this can't be real

Go for some al fresco sex in the park/supermarket car park. Make him think it's spontaneous (maybe dress him in his worst shirt and rip off some of the buttons). Then he might let you carry on controlling all the domestic stuff.

you sound like loads of fun or you are a troll

'Our routine'? It's your routine. Of course he occasionally wants to eat something different to what you have planned out for him, and of course he wants to decide when he wears his own bloody clothes.

I'd be happy for us to just talk about it but when I try he just doesn't seem to know what he actually wants.

Because he probably doesn't know. He's had any independent thoughts or ideas conditioned out of him.

Why do you need to talk about it? He doesn't want to because of how you are. I'd say it's because you micromanage and control conversations also. Could be wrong.

My advice is to pull that rod of your backside and chill the fuck out. Life's too short.

I've got to admit, I do like things a certain way, and can be a bit anal particular about some things, but your "routine" sounds way, way overboard OP.

It sounds like he is just bored of having his life so regimented, and is actually rebelling a little bit.

Not to be unkind, but the whole post makes your relationship sound like it is your way or no way - and that isn't healthy.

Who says you decide what clothing he wears, what food he eats or if he has a pet? Yes, both peoples opinions and desires are equally important, and usually a compromise is made, but this doesn't sound like it is happening that way here.

I understand the dietary needs, so planning your own meal is fine. But let him decide what he wants to eat/wear/do.

I haven't read everything, but you sound exactly like my stepmother. She is organised in the same way, meal planning, seasonal clothing planning and preparation, particular places for particular things. She cites the same logical reasons as you. Yes it makes sense, life is always easier and more organised. But she does this because she likes control. It makes her feel safe and reassured. There is no real argument against it.

However human nature does not operate in the same way. We are feelings/belief led a lot of the time - so occasionally my Dad will want a take away or a jumper he likes that has been put away, and it causes upset all round.

People want/do things for reasons other than logic.

I love my stepmother, and wish i was more like her. She is kind and thoughtful, but in a very controlled way. It is a restricted way of life that whilst it makes so much sense, if your brain is not wired that way, it is incredibly tough to live by. So, YABU.

And you really do need to consider the language you are using: 'rule book', 'rebelling'? You talk like you are in charge of him. Why?

Oh and I do not believe that you are deserving of some of the nasty comments on here. People are different, you are one Ind of a scale. The other end would be people who live in very uncontrolled ways. Lives that are often chaotic. It takes all sorts or the world would be a very boring place.

You treat him like a child and he is fed up. Ita fairly obvious.

The 'we decided years ago not to have pets' bit is interesting to me. Because its actually you that doesn't want pets and, I'll bet, you decided and he went along with it.

The fact is that you are controlling, everything needs to be your way. Unless you chill out, he will eventually get fed up and leave.

Well this was nice to wake up to... thanks to the people who suggested compromises and actual advice - there's always been a very clear division of labour (I do the domestic stuff, he manages money and bills - so not a total control freak!) and I think he would be equally confused if I suddenly started trying to move the direct debits about, but I will try and speak to him about if he's happy with where our relationship is more generally to see if that's the underlying problem. We're usually good at communicating issues which is why it's frustrating for me that these things seem to have to rhyme or reason that he can articulate but you're right, maybe it's a symptom of something else.

As for our sex life and the DC issue - neither is really anyone else's business but it's great and would probably surprise you, and he has never wanted children and I decided the same a few years back. So we're very much on the same page with that.

And to everyone else - some interesting points, some pretty unkind ones!

OP I do think you need to really consider why you've got such harsh responses. You are very controlling and if the situation was reversed you'd be getting a chorus of 'this is abusive' and 'LTB'. It is not good for a long term relationship's survival to treat your DH like you are his mother. He is screaming out that he is being suffocated and you need to hear that sharpish.

Btw meal prep is what you're doing, meal planning is maybe what you should do to put some flexibility into your food. Buy the ingredients for the week but prepare things each day so your DH gets some level of control back.