More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


I do hand on heart genuinely think that having a daughter has been the best thing that's happened to him. My DD was an unplanned pregnancy and during my pregnancy he was horrible to me, he basically left me to get on with it even though we were still together. I bought everything for my daughter. He was studying at uni at the time and made a massive point that he was not able to contribute as finishing his degree was the most important thing. he bad mouthed me to his family meaning that they fell out with me to.

But it's weird after I gave birth it was almost as if a switch flicked in him and he does genuinely love her with all his heart. I know he would do absolutely anything for her. Everyone comments on how much of a devoted dad he is, and my DDs face lights up when she sees him.

The only problem is I think he so massively regrets his behaviour towards me when I was pregnant, that he has a lot of weird internalised anger at himself which he then throws at me. I don't think he can quite accept that I don't want to be with him, and it's all his own doing.

OP, I think your best option is to move with your parents but look at ways to share the travelling for regular visits. By moving you will keep a roof over your head, have a lifestyle that you want for your DD and keep your support network.

When you say the journey is 7 hours, is that by train or car? Would another travel option be viable and would you be prepared to do the bulk of the travelling? 61km to an airport isn't really that far, only about 45 mins by car, which is do-able, and then a flight of what, about an hour? Half a day at the most?

This is all feasible but will mean both you and your ex would need to make advance travel arrangements. It's a much better option than being homeless and surely your ex will eventually realise that.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP, this cannot be easy for you.

My only suggestion is do all you can to attempt to stay in the area, try and get your Mum and Dad to hold off for a while until you can get a job or until a house becomes available?

If it comes a matter of possibly being sent to a B and B then pack your bags and go, this is the best interest of the child. To be homeless but near her father who can also not provide for her is definitely not in her interest to do so.

Are your parents absolutely set on somewhere so far away? Could you get out of London and her Father commute an hour?

Your DD is your priority, it seems she will have love/support and more from you and her GP. Skype/FaceTime/call/email/write...make it exciting and fun, the idea of once a month/holidays for meeting is good, more to look forward

OP, I left XH when our youngest was 9. Our travel time was only 3hrs, but as I was the one who moved I ended up doing the round trip every weekend for the first 2.5 years until he calmed down enough to meet about half way.

I used the Saturday night to catch up with family & friends and as the DC's got older they used to get homework etc done, and later, the trip was great for driving lessons.

It wasn't ideal, and at times it was a PITA, but I was able to give my DC's a MUCH better life and they have thanked me for it.

Thanks everyone for your really helpful suggestions. It has given me a lot to think about definitely. My parents are not even 100% moving to this property but it is looking increasingly likely. It's all dependent on whether they can sell their house for the right money in order to buy it outright but it's caused enough upset between me and my ex to last a lifetime.

Forgot to say, all the DC's still have a great relationship with their DF. They had rocky patches at various times, but that would have happened anyway.

Can those who are saying the OP shouldn't move please address OP's comments that people in her area presenting to the local authority as homeless are being offered properties in other parts of the country, so she wouldn't have a choice anyway? I know this is the case in several London boroughs.

Oh so it's not definite then? Your parents might take ages to sell their house by which time the other one will have sold anyway. Perhaps if they really have your dds best interests at heart they could then look at property a bit closer to her dad. I think you're worrying a bit prematurely.

Please don't take your kid away from her dad.
Imagine if he did this to you.

It's not really a viable option for her to remain living in London with the child, as Housing benefit wouldn't cover the full rent and also she'd have little or no security and support. She could spend the whole of the child's childhood in temporary accommodation, or as she has said, be moved to a city a long way out of London anyway

Those of you suggesting it would be easy for her to remain living in London and renting a place, I suspect don't have a clue about living on benefits in London as a single parent with no accommodation.

Given the various circumstances, it doesn't sound as though this is ever going to be a case of 50:50 parenting, even if the mother and child were to stay in London,and I think this fact needs acknowledging.

The child's best interests and long term security is most likely to to be best met by going North with her mother and the grandparents, where there is support and stability and decent housing and schooling etc etc

It is sad and tough for the dad, but it's not unusual for separated dads to usually have contact every other weekend or sometimes every three weeks. His contact would be very doable if he flew up every couple of weeks and stayed in cheap accommodation, and she travelled the forty odd miles to the town nearest the airport and stayed somewhere close.

He's on a low wage but is living at his parents so isn't paying a market rent. He must have a fair amount of disposable income. He's young and could get extra work too if he needed it. She could perhaps contribute something towards the cost of his flight as she's going to be working in her parents business, but equally, it doesn't seem that he is contributing financially towards upkeep of his daughter at all currently, so perhaps it's fairer that he bears the whole cost of travel himself.

In time, perhaps he could move further north to a city where there is some work and where the journey to see his daughter is more easy, if he wanted to. Skping is also a good way of keeping in touch, but daily would be far too much (as another poster suggested) Perhaps once a twice a week would be enough. He also needs to come to terms that they are not going to rekindle the relationship, and he needs to concentrate on how best to maintain contact with his child. this is most likely to be successful in the long term if he can be civil to the mother- it's not going to be very viable or pleasant for the daughter to witness bad feeling and arguments as she becomes more aware as she gets older.

I have a friend who lives in the extreme SW. Her ex moved some 5hrs away. At first - for years - she drove half way and handed their child over at the motorway services. It was certainly not ideal.

Then her ex's work took him to somewhere only 2.5 hours away, which obviously made things a bit easier but still not great.

What has been happenng for the last few years is that her ex comes here for 'his' weekends and stays at hers. Enough time has gone by that they get on very well, so this arrangement works best for the child, as she can do her sports fixtures, go to parties, hang out with friends and so on.

It took a lot of work on both their parts to get their relationship a co-parents work, but they're all a lot happier being friends.

Sometimes, you just have to do the hard bit before you get the good bit. I would move in your position but make a big effort to facilitate the oarent/child relationship. As it's a big house, could there be a spare room where he could stay one or two nights a fortnight?

What do you think would be worse for the OPs DD? Moving 7 hours away from her DGPs that she has lived with since she was born, or from her Dad who she only sees twice a week, and never stays overnight with?

I don't even see why people are arguing over this anyway. As already been discussed, the OP doesn't have the resources to stay in a London anyway.

OP you can always find one or two positive stories about people overcoming when the odds are stacked against them. However, that isn't really useful when trying to make a decision because you have n good reason to think you'd be one of those people. If what you are looking for is a story or two from people to help you delude yourself about what is likely happen to your child's relationship with her father that's pretty poor of you. Most likely, the move will mean the relationship will deteriorate and possibly cease. Whether that's in the best interests of your DD is something you will have to decide given the other factors involved.

You do seem to be very passive about creating a future for yourself, relying on your parents and following them. While I understand it can be incredibly difficult to get affordable housing in some parts of London, London and the place your parents are moving to are not your only options. There must be other places that are less than 7 hours away. A big concern I see is - if the place your parents are moving to is in the middle of nowhere, your employment opportunities are going to be limited. Your parents business may fail or not be lucrative enough or you may find you hate what you are expected to do. Is the role they have in mind for you one that will make you employable elsewhere? And would that employment be sufficient to give yourself and your daughter the sort of lives you want? I think these are the sorts of questions you need to be thinking about to decide whether it's a good move.

Your ex may love his daughter, but he needs to be practical too and if he can't think of solutions that are better for her but still manages to direct anger at you he isn't that brilliant of a dad. I would also be concerned if he is still exhibiting mental health problems that are going untreated (not that you'd necessarily know if he was getting treatment). He may direct all his anger at you now, but if it's actually mental health problems rather than just him being a jerk to you, you don't know how it will manifest itself in the future.

My DH has been in your exes situation. Moved my DSS 300 miles away, he doesn't drive and even if he did on NMW he didn't have the money to run, insure and maintain a car. He had to go by megabus to collect him and bring him back, basically the best part of the day for an overnight stay then back the next day. DSS was too young at the time to be able to make the journey alone.

Luckily they moved back nearer to us and now we are in a financial position to see him more regularly and not so much hassle. But as a dad it was heartbreaking for him and I think it's horrible for people to say that it's none of your concern about his circumstances. I'm pretty sure if the tables were turned the OP And others on this thread would be rightly pissed off.

I might be letting my personal circumstances cloud my opinions but if you truly believe he's a good dad and your daughter benefits from being close to him then you may want to discuss with your parents their willingness to help you rent a suitable property and whether or not you can work remotely for them to start earning a wage.

Yes I'll take on board that I should probably be standing on my own two feet. But me and my DD and my parents have been extremely happy with our living arrangements. I was living with my ex until about 6 months pregnant when we split. I moved back in with my parents as there was no way I could afford to live in private rented accommodation on my own, in the area of London that we're in. plus I had really severe PND so naturally being round my parents was the best thing for me, and they love having us around.

Them moving has been a dream for them for retirement and it so happens that the perfect property has shown up now in order to run a successful business. I don't want to out myself so won't give too many details. But it is an extremely profitable business for the area they would be moving to.

How could I possibly say to them 'no' you can't go because of me. When they are taking me and my DD into consideration in terms of the surrounding good schools, and employment opportunities for me.

(PS haven't mentioned the other issues because only you know whether or not they're a deal breaker. Realistically on here we can only comment on the practicalities).

You're not saying no they can't go. You'd be saying no YOU can't go! There's a massive difference between the two!

As I've said before if I took my ex out of the equation I would move there with my parents and my daughter in a heartbeat. It would be a better life for us. There's a massive opportunity for us to make a lot of money and my daughter would have a wonderful lifestyle

But obviously my ex is in the equation so it's really difficult for me.

Where am I supposed to go if I don't go with them? As I've said I have no means of staying in the area. I can obviously make myself homeless with no gaurentee of getting a property in the area? I have no money to even put a deposit down on a flat

Isn't it about time to cut the apron strings
It is up to you to provide a future for your dd not to mooch off your parents.

Whilst it might be their dream and they want to keep you close by I really think you and they should part company. You might not be able to stay in se London but moving out to Kent or other nearby areas might be the compromise on a cheaper area.
Would you then in time be able to get a job and start standing on your own two feet.

I really don't think it is healthy staying tied to your parents for the rest of your life

Have you even broached the idea of not going with your parents?

I'm not saying it's not the right thing to go with them. But it sounds very much like you are feeling guilty and you want everyone to pat you on the back and tell you you're doing the right thing without considering other options.

There are lots of areas not seven hours away but also not London that you could potentially rent in. Would your parents not help you out with a deposit? Have you asked them? You've obviously read my long-arse post but you haven't said whether or not you've asked them that, or whether there's the potential to work remotely? Could you start looking at other areas for suitable work and property?

As I said, I'm not saying any of that is the right path to take, but if you're considering your ex's part in your daughters life and want her to have a relationship with him then you need to look at all options.

At the very least, you've got all your rebuttals in place if he starts putting the pressure on for you to stay!

Tough decisions, all round.

Honestly, I think more important than anything is that your DD maintains a loving relationship with everyone in her life. If your parents are hellbent on moving to Scotland, she (and you) would lose that relationship and the support. But you're a mum now. Your duty is to your DD before your parents.

By the same token, your ex is a dad now. He has to step up. It's all very well him objecting, but what steps is he taking to keep his DD in London when you are taking steps to provide for her up north? Is he providing any financial support?

It sounds like either you both stay in London, on benefits/homeless/living with parents/council housing, or you both move north and only one of you lives that way (your ex). Your DD's dad should be pleased that at least one of her parents is building a future for her. Honestly, sounds to me like he's coasting at his parents' house while you raise his DD nearby. Of course he's going to be mad if that gets upset. But what alternative does he offer??

I think you should move with your parents. Overall it would be in your childs best interests. Her quality of life would be much better. You would have to be prepared to facilitate her seeing her dad as often as possible. Hopefully he would be able to have her over one night so that she could travel up then stay the day then the night then the next day, then return? Could you not have her do that every couple of weeks?

Hopefully you can discuss it together and make him see the benefits to your daughter. If he really is a good dad that is what he will put first!

Of course you need to move and think of your long term future and that of your daughters. You are no longer in a relationship with your child's father. However, they have a relationship and as long as you facilitate this as well as you can, then that is what you can do.