More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


That's a ridiculous suggestion limon. He also lives with his parents and there's no room for my daughter to even have a bed there let alone living there full time.

Tbh I was just asking if anyone has been in a similar situation? Didn't really want a bashing

You can stay - you can declare yourself homeless and be housed. There are loads of single parents in the SE.

You would possibly be made homeless if you didn't move. No choice.
If you will have an income is there anyway you could help your ex with travel costs or travel to him sometimes as well?
It's amazing that they have this relationship and I completely understand how difficult it is to make this decision.

A move isn't going to happen immediately so I would be taking steps to look for work.

Can your parents afford to pay a deposit and be guarantor on a flat? There are private lettings that will take tenants who are on housing benefit. I lived in London and knew plenty of single mums who were in private rentals.

Your other option is obviously to move but you know and your ex knows that will mean he probably becomes just a distant stranger to his daughter and in time you will both move on, start new relationships and the distance will be too great to sustain him seeing her.

Could he legally stop you moving away? Do you think he's likely to try?

I feel very, very sorry for him and also for your daughter, who will miss her dad, but as you can't support yourself you don't really have a choice. What a mess.

How far is it from Glasgow/Edinburgh airport?

That's why I asked what he done, I'm wondering whether he's a danger to op or their daughter. She talks about erratic behaviour.

I'd be devastated if someone moved the kids 7 hours away.

If he earns only minimum wage it seems unlikely he'll be able to see her much.

Don't come on aibu and then whine you've had a bashing. Clearly you want to move away...

Could he not move and just rent a room wherever it is your parents want to move to? If it's a low pay job might be able to transfer or find other work?
Or would your parents consider somewhere closer? The south coast is nice!

I don't believe there woulda be any legal practicalities as I physically have no means of staying in the area.

Not sure what borough you're under, however I know a lot of councils within SE London will accept a letter from your parents giving notice of you and DD becoming homeless. If you call them, and arrange a meeting, bringing along said letter, with a date on as to when you will be essentially homeless they can provide you with temporary accommodation. They are usually pretty good in SE in terms of children, and re homing.
Best of luck OP

So sweets it's the mothers best interest that wins the day?

OP he would you feel if it was you that had to travel for several hours every time you wanted to see your daughter?

Simply not fair on your daughter or her dad to move so far away.

It's a funny site this... on one thread an dad is being ripped to shreds for moving 2.5 hours away from his child, yet on this one everyone tells the mum to go and basically tough shit to the father who will hardly ever see his kid again.

That only happens when the dads move for non-essential reasons. E.g. The dad who decided to move abroad to work for 2 years for no real reason except he felt like it. OP needs to move for very legitimate reasons.

user yes you do. The local council will rehouse you if you are under threat of homelessness with a small child.

In time you can find suitable work locally - the SE is much better for finding work than the rest of the UK.

Of course you can try to stay. Plenty other people in your situation manage to.

The temporary accommodation is normally awful and the wait for a council house very long in London from what I hear - the councils are just massively stretched. Would your parents be able to be a guarantor for a private rent for you then once your in it you can claim housing benefit for most of the rent?

Yes if DD dad wasn't in the picture I wouldn't hesitate to move. It's a beautiful location, good village school. Stunning beaches and my parents have a business opportunity there, but there wouldn't be any kind of work for my ex there to move there as well.

user1492636556

This is very hard but you have made it clear you have no choice. You cannot afford to stay where you are alone. And you cannot make your parents stay put or make them move not so far away.

"My DD loves her dad so much and I would want them to keep up the relationship."

The relationship can absolutely continue and you could facilitate this if it is in your dd's best interest.

If you had a job and money you could travel with your dd to London and she could see her dad.

However, I am really not sure how good an influence her father may be over her. You said "I have got a lot of anger thrown at me from him, which is so understandable, and he thinks I'm this horrible evil cow for taking his daughter away."

I am not sure it is so understandable. I mean he can be angry about the situation but doesn't need to direct it at you in person.

"But I literally have no choice. He can't seem to get his head round it, that I'm not the one making the decision to move." So he is not very thoughtful/sensitive etc. He could maybe move, he could move closer to where your parents will be. Presumably if you are able to get a much better house there then house prices and rents would be less. It would be a long shot but it is not like you are moving abroad.

I don't think some people are reading the thread fully it's south east London not just southeast. The rents are probably extortionate and housing benefit may not cover enough. I wouldn't personally recommend for OP to be a single mum on benefits having to pay part of rent to make ends meet and living so far away from her parents who are obviously her support system. I would try and get him to move

I've looked into the homeless route and my council have such a huge housing shortage. They are currently sending people up to Manchester or Birmingham in b&bs there.

There are plenty of flats to rent in se London.

Op has not said she would not share travel arrangements/costs if she were to move limon

Stop putting words in her mouth. And stop trying to shame a single mum who has quite obviously escaped a shitty situation. Because women like her just love to deprive their children of their positively angelic fathers don't they ? Do us a favour and park your agenda elsewhere

My parents would be putting all money into buying this property so none left over for me to put a deposit down unfortunately..