More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues

I wouldn't hesitate in getting my child away from someone like this.

I can't help wondering why your DPs have made this decision knowing the extremely difficult position this puts you in and the impact it will have on your DD's great relationship with her DF.
I'm not critising them it may have always been their ambition to move and create this business opportunity for themselves.
Did they discuss it with you first?
Is there a possibility they are making this major move in order to distance you and their GC from (what they perceive as) a mentally unstable man? Or are they keen to encourage you to stand on your own two feet and no longer live with them?
It just seems odd to me to put your DD in such a difficult position.

OP, It sounds like you really love your parents. Can you imagine if you were deprived of ever having a relationship with your Dad? My dad is far from perfect but he is really important to me.

I don't know how or if you can make it work but I'd really try and look at ways where your daughter is able to continue to regularly see her Dad.

I think its clearly within your and your dd best interests to move.

Facilitate contact but you can't possibly abandon the opportunity of work, a suppott network and a better standard of living for you both for an unstable ex who doesn't do overnights.

He's an adult. Its not your job to sacrifice your and dd future to serve him

You have no choice but to move and if he's that bothered he'll move with you to see his child. The sooner you toughen up and do what's best for you and your child the happier you will be, take it from someone who learnt the hard way.

Honestly, just go. What's best for mother is best for the child. And the father in this case isn't up to much, is he? It's all v well being sweet and attentive in tidy little compartments but real parenting is the 24-7, relentless stuff. He sounds v screwed up and clearly it is in the child's best interests to stay with the mother. The visits may have to be less frequent, say you take her down one month and he visits you guys the next, but the child will adjust.

it looks like neither you nor her father are able to actually support your daughter. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it seems to be the reality.

It seems that he cannot afford for her to live with him independently and spend time with you. And neither can you afford to live with her and have her spend time with him. You are both still dependent on parents, even though you have a child.

You are lucky that your parents want you to come with them. If they didn't where would you be?

I don't think you have much choice at all - surely you have to live where you and your daughter will have housing etc.? Her father will have to adapt as best he can because he cannot afford to house her himself and has shown zero indication of any interest in doing so.

I do think you need to start thinking about how - in the longe rterm - you can be more independent.

I think you should go. You have housing and employment there. Not ideal for him but workable with some effort. If I was you I'd go. He sounds as though he is keen now but will he be in the long term - even if you stay local? Sounds a bit iffy to me!

I think you should move with your parents. Your ex sounds like a liability. Its very easy to love parenting an infant. Its much trickier to parent a teenager and he is not going to change.

When your child goes through some challenging years he will revert to anger. The law recently changed in respect of access automatically being granted to parents who display aggression towards their partners. Your ex lacks the self control to treat the mother of his child with respect

You are quite right to put the welfare of your child first.

I take 3dc's every month on a 5 hour train journey for ds to see his dad - 7 hours door to door. Costs £110 on train, so it's a massive expense and a weekend a month gone.
Practically it's a very hard thing to do, but doable.

He sounds abusive and controlling and your dd will be better off without him. He is kicking off to control you. If he cared so much about her he would have at least got off his arse and earned enough money to at least provide a roof over her head for overnight visits. Get away from him and stop letting him control you. He doesn't care about your dd, he only cares about himself and wants to use her to control you. If he cared so much about her, he would move heaven and earth to get to see her when he could, and value the chance for her to build a better life, but chances are if you go he will soon lose interest.

Go, do not take him with you, get this toxic person out of your life and whatever you do, NEVER isolate yourself from the support network that is your family - he would love that.

unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Some bedtime reading for you op.

The dd has lived with her gps since before she was even born. She has never lived with her father. Won't she suffer as much from being taken away from the daily contact with them as she will from the less regular contact with dad?

My parents at the end of the day cannot plan their lives around my ex. They are just pursuing their own dreams finally as they reach retirement age.

All those saying I should cut the apron strings.. I find that really rude. I'm not mooching off my parents. People live in all kinds of different situations and this is an arrangement that has worked for all of us. I left my ex when I was pregnant as I couldn't bear to be in the same house as him anymore. He was affecting my mental health, and I needed to get out. My parents offered for me and the baby to live with them. I wasn't going to turn that down just because I wanted to be 'independent'. Of course I love my parents, they have done so much for me. If it wasn't for them offering l would have ended up homeless, and would most likely still be in a temporary b&b even now due to the housing shortage in my area.

The idea of them moving was always going to happen eventually, but I didn't think it would be this soon. I thought it would not be for a good five + years, but this perfect property has come up now, and they want to go for it! I was of course initially planning this year of finding work or going to university to make a proper career in order to be able to move out of my own accord. But obviously this has thrown a spanner in the works.

The dd won't suffer in the short term from moving. She's only little and could quite easily move and forget all about her father. It's in the long term she might miss out on her dad being around.

Realistically the dd isn't going to be able to keep making the journey, eventually she'll have clubs and parties, school and homework. It would end up being the dad travelling and staying in the area during the school holidays. Quite possible he wouldn't keep this up.

It's all well telling op she should stand on her own two feet. By the sounds of it she's been abandoned during pregnancy, suffering with pnd, unemployed in London with unaffordable housing. Even if she eventually moves out of her parents house realistically as a mum of a young child she will need family close by.

It sounds as though you have no realistic option. I can't believe the posters saying you should become homeless in order to get a council place when you have this option of a much better life for your daughter.

I do think you should devote some of your income towards his travel and if necessary accommodation in the area to maintain good levels of contact (e.g. Train fare for him and maybe a night in a B&B to maximise time with your daughter).

I lived a two hour flight away from my dad growing up. It is not easy and it's not quite the same relationship but I saw him over holidays and spoke to him regularly. It has been that way my whole life and at 37 he's still in my life. It doesn't have to spell the end for their relationship.

Op I'd pay no attention to those saying stand on your own two feet.

There's nothing wrong with living with your parents if everyone is happy with that.

Although I would have a realistic look at the future and all the possibilities. It's probable that you will meet someone else and eventually move on, even have more children. You are going to want to find long term secure employment.

Do you have any siblings?

Well, you have no choice really do you?

Is it Northumberland?

Pragmatically, you will have to move. On the bright side, he either steps up and is reasonable or you won't have to deal with him very much once you have moved.

Realistically there is nothing you can do to make things easier for him. You can look at work and housing, if you want. Then if something does come up there would be a choice to be made. But I personally would not fancy staying somewhere by myself with my daughter when the only family around is one that has behaved quite toxically towards you.

You are going to destroy any relationship your DD has with her dad if you move that far away.

He could take it to court and attempt to stop you, although there is no guarantee he would succeed.

You need to grow up and stand on your own two feet for sure.

But you are mooching off your parents you are a mother but you expect that your parents should keep a roof over your dds head and give you employment.

In the 2 years since your dd was born what have you done to get your own life.

user, OP would not be 'destroying' any relationship.

They could find workarounds if he is reasonable.

If his family were more reasonable compromise would also be much easier.

You expect OP to stay alone in a place, potentially living in poverty, where there is a whole bunch of people who are pretty hostile towards her?

Why are you attacking op and saying that she needs to grow up?

She's ended up living with her parents because her ex wouldn't accept any responsibility during her pregnancy and tormented her.

Her ex is living with his parents himself!

Neither of them have the means to support their dd without help from their parents, not just op.

So op should become homeless so that what? Her ex can continue living comfortably with his own parents and have weekend visitation.

Oliversmum what has her ex done? He doesn't even have his own place that his dd can stay overnight?

At least op took some responsibility for her pregnancy and has cared for their daughter full time.

Neither op or her ex can magic a good salary and affordable property out of thin air, and unfortunately it doesn't sound like they work too well together given he's still hoping they'll get back together and having angry outbursts at her.