More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


Very unfortunate situation 😟

It's ok telling op not to do it but to stay she'd be putting herself and her dd in a bad situation. Homelessness or unstable private rent.

He has a lot of anger towards me as I don't want to get back together with him.

my point about would she leave her dd with him was more to get her to look at how she would feel being 7+ hours away from her child and to try and view this in a more logical manner

Seriously MN astounds me - there is a stepmum and her DH being torn to shreds (quite rightly due to some of the posts) for moving 3 hours away from a child and here everyone is saying yes go for it for a 7+ hour move.

airports in km suggests a different country altogether .

OP are you aware that he could get a legal injunction to prevent you taking your DD? What would you do then?

He is kicking off and calling op "evil"

He hasn't put any thought into what would be a better life for his daughter. Just his own selfish needs.

That says it all

OP would your parents move without you and your DD? Or are they doing this for you and her as much as themselves?

Move. He's not providing a home with you is he? If he were with you, then you'd be together in the struggle. As it is, you have to do the best for your child.

How on earth can I tell my parents they're not to move? They've worked hard their whole lives and cared for my disabled sibling for many years and now they want to pursue a dream and they have the means to do so.

anyfucker he has just been handed this 7+ hour separation from his daughter as a completed decision with absolutely no say in it whatsoever. I think calling her evil is quite understandable.

The best life for that child is to have solid regular contact with BOTH parents - beaches and a nice school do not trump that

limon "So sweets it's the mothers best interest that wins the day?"

No the child's best interests.

When relationships break up sometimes people move away. That's a fact. The dad cannot look after his dd. There is no room at his home and he has not found another.

I wonder if he is paying any maintenance, or is the OP and her parents providing all/the bulk of the childcare costs?

Totally agree with AnyFucker "Because women like her just love to deprive their children of their positively angelic fathers don't they ?"

The OP and her dd have a chance of a better life somewhere nice with work prospects for her and a good school. The relationship failed because this man and his family "...due to his and his families behaviour towards..." the OP.

My parents are doing this for us as a family. They have taken me and DD into consideration this whole time when looking for a property

So.. op has come on here ask g wwyd and for advice and then called the advice she's got stupid and said actually she didn't want advice.

She's made it cLear that she wants to make this move.

She's stated her ex has "mental health" issues, they don't get on, bit he would never be a risk to their daughter.

She wouldn't get in the way of his relationship with dd but would move over 7 hours away and concedes she would make more they trips.

And people are sing it's ridiculous to nit move and ridiculous to suggest she stays with ex.

And people are also sayingots ridiculous for people to ask op how she'd feel off dd lived 7 plus hours away from her.
Ffs.

Yep. And he called her all the names under the sun when she broke up with him too. And got his family to join in with the badmouthing. Then continues to "show a lot of anger" when she pursues some independence from him and refuses to have him back

Noticing a pattern here at all ?

So what do you suggest I do then Wheresthel1ght? I have no other family down here to stay with? My council are sending homeless people to Manchester as there's a housing shortage which kind of defeats the object of staying close to her dad? What do you suggest?

Don't forget we are getting ops side of the story only here.

OP - forget absolutely everything other than

"is this the best move for my child"

This is the ONLY thing that matters

Move OP. It's interesting how polarised the views on here are. I can't imagine being left behind in London with a kid and an ex who was angry and wanted me back all the time. I think that would be very isolating and leave you quite vulnerable.
Unless of course he's a wonderful man but going by your description, no, take the new life.

When I say he's had MH health issues. He suffered psychosis and was hospitalised but this was just before we met, about 6 years ago. He hasn't had any 'relapses' per say but he does have a lot of anger issues and some of his behaviour can be quite erratic towards me. Calling me vile names when he doesn't get his own way as in I won't go back out with him, then being all sickly sweet and apologetic the next.

OP it's a tricky one. I would move with your parents in this situation. A life with you in a good location, with family support, a happy mum and regular contact with dad, must be better than life with an unsupported parent living in temporary accommodation (and possibly miles from London anyway).

If you can't afford to rent somewhere close to your ex, I can't see the alternatives you have.

I can't stand him, and if I didn't have my DD there would be no way I'd ever have any contact with him ever again.

However he is such a brilliant dad to her, and I know that sounds really unbelievable after what I've said about him but he honestly is. My DD loves him and is so excited to see him when he picks her up. I do feel incredibly guilty that my parents want to move away and us having to go with them. Even though it would be a better life for us

He could move closer to your new location- has he considered this as an option? You are only "taking his daughter away from him" if he is not willing to move, which is his decision.
It sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

I just wanted some positive stories really that such a long distance relationship can be maintained

So you split with the father before your DD was born, and she has never lived with him. He sees her only at the weekend, and she is just two.

You and she have the chance of a whole new life away from an angry controlling man with your parents who have supported you since your daughter was born, in a good environment, with the possibility of employment for you.

If I were you I would grasp the chance of a better life for you and your DD that your parents are offering you, and I wouldn't look back.

I would move OP. No way would I stay behind and be homeless as all my family moved away. It's really a no-brainer.

"As much as I can't stand him myself" Why do you dislike him, has he been violent towards you, abusive etc or is he just not your cup of tea anymore.

Kalizahara "If my husband and I split and then he and his parents moved 7 hours away and took the dc it would be completely devastating for me and the children." But presumably you've lived with and cared for your children for years. It looks like the OP's ex has never lived his daughter and that is (I woudl imagine) very different to your situation.

If the situation were reversed and the dad was the primary carer and the dad had no real opportunity but to move away with parents then I would say it was probaly the best thing. And if I were the mum in that scenario, I would move, to be near my child/ren.

but I 100% agree with you... "Equally if op has just escaped a domestic violence relationship I wouldn't be advising her to go sticking around and making herself even more vulnerable by becoming homeless." And even i fit was not violent, if it was abusive, I would say she goes wherever she wants with the child because he has caused the break up of that relationship. If that is the case.

user1492636556 "I don't have any concerns around his MH surrounding his daughter. He can be absolutely vile towards me (never anything physical though) but he would never do anything to her." How do you know he would never do anything to her?

OP "he is such a brilliant dad to her" How so, genuine question. Is there a chance this is all about getting back with you?

just go for it OP, I am sure it will work out for the best and by the sounds of it you would be happy to travel for your DD to spend time with her dad, and if he is such a fantastic dad he won't mind doing his fair share of travelling too, and if it's a better life for her, as much as it might hurt him surely he would want what's best for his dd too.