More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


Many dads from the North work in London/SE during the week to keep a roof above their family's head. I know, my cousin does it. Why is this any different. OP is just trying to give her daughter the best start in life she can in the difficult circumstances. The dad needs to step up and improve his situation. If necessary, he can get a job in the nearest city and rent a room there.

London is very expensive - & even taking out the housing/finance issues, will be tough without the support your parents currently provide. The father of the child provides limited or no support and has a daytime access weekend arrangement only. You do have a choice, it just seems so obvious to you to go with your parents. Letting go of the difficult circumstances surrounding your pregnancy & forgiving your ex partner and his parents will go a long way to help all of you (& ultimately your daughter). Focus on the practical steps to maintain regular access, ideally fortnightly. If you are prepared to take responsibility to put this in place, it can work & YANBU.

you see, you've over-reached there and confirmed that this is all a pile of old bollocks.

your severely autistic brother who is in long-term residential care is going to work in the cafe, cooking for the who? B&B guests? what cafe? the one attached to the imaginary best B&B in all the land?

come on now.

@exWifebeginsat40 - What are you saying that someone with autism shouldn't be allowed to work? That's quite discriminatory...

@exWifebeginsat40 there are cafes all over the country which are run entirely by people with special needs.. Or is that something you don't agree with?

@exWifebeginsat40 Obviously he wouldn't be working 'full time' in the cafe. He would be able to do odd jobs here and there like preparing the vegetables, and wiping down tables, half an hour here or there and be paid for doing so.

Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he's not fit for any purpose.

In your situation OP, I would definitely go. Save every penny you can working there so that if in the future, you feel moving less rural would be better for you and DD, you'll have options. By all means facilitate the relationship between DD and ex but he needs to put in the effort too. Maybe this will motivate him to try and put his qualifications to better use and if he were to move to a town/city within 2 hours, his prospects for a job might be much improved as jobhunting in London is tougher than most towns and cities.
I really don't get people thinking that becoming voluntarily homeless with a 2yo is a viable option. No way!
Also the OPs parents have found their idyllic retirement investment property...those who are suggesting they simply look elsewhere are being simplistic. Clearly the cost of buying in the south coast of England way supercedes the cost of rural wales. And OP is saying everything the GPs own will go towards it as it is. So not a workable simple solution.
Go OP. Goodluck

I dont really have an opinion on what you should do; but I DO think you are over romanticising an idyllic country life. Which people who have always lived in cities often do. I think you should be aware of that when making your decision. Also, the realities of WORKING for your parents, rather than just living with them. Also, the stresses of running an unfamiliar business and what you will actually want to do as you get older and your daughter less dependent

Have you thought about moving yourself, to a 3rd option which is closer to your dds dad but with better housing

Reading more of your thread...I think you are talking about North Wales. Do you know that school is in Welsh until aged 7? Most of the kids will have Welsh as a first language

@Annahibiscuits - If you had read the whole thread you'd know that I don't have 3rd option of where to go.

I'm really not romanticising anything. People up and move to start new lives all the time.

As much as yeah where I live is London and everything. It's really nothing to get excited about. Traffic is horrendous everywhere. The reason it actually took 7 hours to get to Wales was because over 2 hours of it was just trying to get off the m25!!

There's nothing for anyone here really if you haven't got money!

@Annahibiscuits No actually it's not North Wales

Yes, people do start new lives all the time. It's a big step. It's good to have an understanding of the reality of where you are moving too. I grew up rurally. There are pros AND many cons also. You should consider them all

A 3rd option, would be one you carved out for yourself, I mean

@Annahibiscuits I'm a single parent currently on benefits. I'm on the council list for my borough but there is roughly a 7+ year waiting list.

The vast majority of private landlords do not accept anybody on housing benefits. Plus I'd need a deposit which I don't have any money for and my parents aren't in a position to lend me if they are going to buy this b&b.

Would love it if you could tell me of this mythical 3rd option of what I could do to stay in the area by myself?

@Deejoda Thanks for your really kind post! Yes that's the aim. To save as much money from working with my parents so I will eventually be able to make a proper life for me and her. Who knows maybe I'll even be a homeowner one day but that's very wishful thinking.

Obviously when I was growing up this wasn't exactly my dream. To be a single parent at 24 and back home living with my mum and dad.
Obviously though we all have circumstances in our lives that are unfortunately out of our control. It's a shame some other posters don't see it that way.

The 3rd option is not 'mythical'. I said move OUT of area where housing is better but you are closer to dds dad. Get a job?

It's not easy, I know. I am a SP to 2 and work almost FT. If you want to go with your parents, ok, but it IS an option to not do that and stand on your own feet

Move out where housing is cheaper?

I'm south east, you have to go a long way before it's cheaper. Even then, without a job how will she get a home? Without support childcare will be hard. And if she's having to go miles away for cheaper housing she may as well move where there's a house, job and support.

@Annahibiscuits It's easy for you to say just 'get a job' and move out. How am I supposed to do that exactly?

Okay let's just say I move to the nearest county which is either Kent or Essex? Surrey? I wouldn't be able to go on any of their councils housing lists until I've lived in the area for at least 3 years which is the case with most boroughs nowadays.

There's still the matter that the majority of landlords are no longer accepting tenants on housing benefits..

Okay so I'll just 'get a job'. So where am I supposed to live whilst I save money for a rent deposit then? My parents are going so can't live with them? Also there's the small matter that I've been out of work for 2 years now so the likelihood that when I'd get anything much higher than minimum wage for a while is unlikely.

I understand that this would be totally doable if I lived anywhere other than the SE where rents are extortionate and there is a bigger proportion of housing stock.

You can always make plans (and save up) for an independent life later on.

What does your DD's dad think you should do? Does he have any plans for his own future?

@NotMyPenguin Yes that's the aim!

Her dad has been useless about coming up with options. He gets angry at the fact I'm moving but then comes up with no viable alternative for us to stay

sorry, what? i was wondering where the cafe he'll be working in came
from. i have no idea how his autism presents - you used the word 'severely' and said he was in a residential home, that's all.

anyway. what cafe?

@exWifebeginsat40 The b&b also has a cafe attached to it as well.

brilliant. you crack on then. happy trails.

Op. You might want to get some details deleted from your posts. You've made it searchable. Discoverable.

why choose 3rd option that so much harder.
its not wrong to want this nicer way of life!who wouldn't.
you've got a real chance here with your parents,and a nice one with hard work.
staying here?much harder maybe miserable graft?away from supportive parents (no bad thing) (def no bad thingt o still be living with them hun) that kinda nice you can.and brilliant support.
you can make a new life away from them if you want to.its not like your being needy wanting to stay on there cash all the time.your going to work live and be supportive of eacother.and they have been the ones to be there mo the dd dad and parents.
you have got a real real gift of a chance though with this move.and it still will take time tears and hard graft I'm sure.
do you no area.thats all id say.is it somewhere you see you want to live for the foreseeable and wont be sad yourself.
is there a chance to go with dad show him where youd be.where hed could stay when you go.or things you could do together with your daughter.or go yourself to see youd like it.see classes.support networks.working life.
this is yur new life remmebr so keeping thinking bout the dad is lovely.but you gotta make this work.so make sure your head is ok with the move as I no its still wont be easy for you eh.xx

Let's not forget that the op is a human being, in her own right, with her own needs, wants, and desires. Just because she is a female parent doesn't mean she has to be bottom of the pile. It doesn't sound like life has been a bed of roses for her (mainly down to him) and SHE deserves some happiness.

If her ex p had a great opportunity to better himself elsewhere, I imagine she would go out of her way to continue to facilitate contact with him and dd. Why shouldn't he do the same for her?

Moving gives both her AND her dd a chance of a great future, and she would be silly to let it slide. Exp should be happy for them both, and if he GENUINELY wants a relationship with his dd, he will make it happen.