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Original poster

More of a wwyd? Need advice..

527 replies

user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 22:21

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2017 23:10

If he was horrible to you when pregnant and is now very angry with you, is he really such a good influence on your child?

"I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant."

What was his family's behaviour like towards you?

He cannot look after his child, he can't even have her to stay overnight. If he could, if there was room, would you be willing for her to? The point I am making is that he is not the person who can care for your child. You are. So you must do what is best for her.

He is an adult, all be it a very troubled one, but he is not your responsibly.

Fussy "And resign yourself to you daughters father having overnight contact" Only if he can look after her. I;d rather travel back to your own area, stay in a hotel overnight and facilitate daytime contact maybe once a month. Use it as time for you to catch up with old friends etc.

How could be have overnight contact when they move away? If he can't manage it now. It would mean him going to collect her and then staying overnight and bringing her back?

If I was the OP I would want to control the contact. Plus in a way as she is moving away then I do feel it is partly her responsibility to facilitate it.

I'd also lessen the contact before the move so that it is not so difficult for her or him when the move happens.

pictish · 19/04/2017 23:12

HOW FAR IS IT FROM THE NEAREST AIRPORT?

Sorry to shout. Realistically neither of you are going to do a 14+ round driving trip with any frequency. You might, however, take a cheap flight booked well in advance.
Planning. It could work.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 23:14

Of course if I did move I would do everything in my power to facilitate contact with her father. As much as I can't stand him myself, my daughter loves him. If it meant me traveling to London every month to do so I'd obviously have to do that if it meant they could continue their relationship.

I'm asking if anyone has been in a similar scenario? I don't want some stupid irrelevant comments about what I'm doing is barbaric when this is out of my control

OP posts:
hesterton · 19/04/2017 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 19/04/2017 23:17

You can get return flights from Glasgow and Edinburgh to Gatwick for two people for £60.

38cody · 19/04/2017 23:17

The MH anger outbursts would worry me - I'd embrace the distance but would be worried sending DD to him overnight. Could you find a cheap B&B that he could stay at near you for a weekend once a month - perhaps split the fare?

I would just go and put myself and DD before anyone and wouldn't give him a second thought but you sound much nicer than me.

hesterton · 19/04/2017 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 23:18

Just had a google about the airport. There's one 61km away apparently

OP posts:
Kalizahara · 19/04/2017 23:18

Really not sure what I think to this. Op isn't giving enough information about what the dad is like.

Saying he has mental health problems doesn't mean a fat lot.

I've suffered with mental health problems, I'm not horrible to my dc or a danger to them in any way whatsoever. My husbands parents are well off and could offer an 'idealic' lifestyle, myself and my parents aren't.

If my husband and I split and then he and his parents moved 7 hours away and took the dc it would be completely devastating for me and the children.

Equally if op has just escaped a domestic violence relationship I wouldn't be advising her to go sticking around and making herself even more vulnerable by becoming homeless.

Crispbutty · 19/04/2017 23:18

But it isn't out of your control. You are an adult, not a child.

It's out of your daughters control.

What would you do if your parents didn't ask you to go with them?

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 23:19

sorry I think you are being awful to your DD and her dad. 7+ hours from SE is either Scotland/Wales/Ireland or the furthest edge of Cornwall there is no way you can realistically maintain a good level of contact.

You need to find a different solution.

How would you feel about leaving your DD with her Dad if you genuinely have no other options?

Iggi999 · 19/04/2017 23:20

I would move in a heartbeat to stay close to family who supported me rather than to be near a very difficult ex.

Kalizahara · 19/04/2017 23:20

Op in fairness you did ask wwyd you made it sound like you wee yet to make a decision when in reality you have made up your mind.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2017 23:21

I think it has been made clear that op leaving her daughter with this bloke is not an option. Do you people not rtft ?

pictish · 19/04/2017 23:21

So 40 miles or so.
Totally doable.

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 23:22

AnyFucker where has it been made clear?

Original poster
user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 23:22

I don't have any concerns around his MH surrounding his daughter. He can be absolutely vile towards me (never anything physical though) but he would never do anything to her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/04/2017 23:24

wheres rtft

wellthisisnice · 19/04/2017 23:24

My Mum moved me 5 hours away from my Dad at a similar age. Although he travelled to see me as often as he could our relationship suffered and we are now strangers. Please don't do it to your daughter.

pictish · 19/04/2017 23:24

Up here, some people fly to London for work. My friend's dh works there and flies home at the weekend. My fil flew every week for years. Just matter of course when it's what you do.

Bunnyfuller · 19/04/2017 23:25

The dad doesn't even have enough room for an overnighter now so why are people suggesting he (mentally unstable/explosive) takes on the full-time carer role?! Temporary accommodation from London is normally elsewhere than London, so achieves nothing. How sad he can't see the move is the best option for his daughter in terms of stability, environment and a future.

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 23:25

all the OP states is that there isn't much room, but nothing about whether it could be found in order to facilitate contact if needed.

OP I am sorry but You are making the decision to move. You could say to your parents, nope sorry I cannot move DD that far from her Dad and then find another way - there are plenty. Can his parents help with childcare so you can work and therefore rent somewhere?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 19/04/2017 23:25

Hard one, but

Living in a loving supporting home, with family, next to the sea, giving you and your child the best option you could possibly ask for?

Dude... No brainer

informedchoice · 19/04/2017 23:25

I think it's very cruel tbh.

Jollymum2107 · 19/04/2017 23:26

What do you do with all your spare time writing DM (2 letters) instead of Mum ( 3 letters)

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