More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP I really want you to think what you want. A career? What doing? A new relationship/marriage/more kids, what would be ideal for you?

Maybe the countryside will be good for a while but you may end up living elsewhere one day, especially if you meet someone new, which you are perfectly entitled to do, of course.

Your dd will start school at age 4 or 5, so maybe next year or the year after or the year after that she may go off to school and you will have more time to pursue other things.

I'd really use the next couple of years to work out what you want. Look at study or work, a business idea of your own or a paid job (your parents or elsewhere) that will build up your opportunities to go for what you want in the future.

Lastly, you may decide to move back closer to your old area. My friends could not afford their old area so moved to Kent. Another friend could not afford London so chose Watford or beyon.

You might find a job with accommodation (carer, companion, hotel work etc) and it may be possible. I would not promise anything and I would not hold out this hope if it really is an impossibility. But if it might happen I would tell your ex as this may make the move easier for him to cope with.

Knowing that things could change in his favour, a few years down the line, might encourage him to be calmer, better for his mental health and better for you too as it may stem some of his venom being directed at you.

By the way C8H10N4O2 the case I quoted had nothing to do with a lazy father not lifting a finger, it was the father who removed the children from their mother. Funny how MN people are always ready to blame the father.

I neither assumed it was that way around nor blamed the remote parent in that case. Which part made you think otherwise?

I don't know if the OP has taken him to see the place - I agree it would make sense, if he is actually willing to consider it. I question a 'great dad' who is not prepared to make any change in his own circumstances even for the betterment of himself or his child and instead expects OP and DD to live homeless or her parents to cancel business plans which have been very long in the making.

No I haven't taken him to see the place. I literally went to see it myself a few weeks ago. I loved it and thought it would be a lovely place to raise a child. My parents were basing the decision on moving there depending on whether I liked it as well as I would be very much a part of the business. I couldn't lie and say I hated it just in order to stay in London, where tbh there's not really many prospects for me here, that would have been so unfair on them as they have set their heart on this place.

Literally the only thing that's making me feel so incredibly guilty about moving is my DDs dad and the impact it's going to have on their relationship.

I suppose when I think about it yeah he probably is a bit of a Disney dad. He knows nothing about all the hard graft of parenting 24/7. He literally just takes her off for the day at the weekends and has a fab day with her, then brings her back to me in the evenings. But she does love him and she asks to see him all the time, and her little face lights up when he comes and collects her. I would just feel so bad that that arrangement would not really be able to continue if we moved away

How does she feel about your parents?

Sadly, this happens. Perhaps organize that your daughter stay with her Dad every so often. It's probably easier by train. Try to be as practical as possible and keep in touch as much as possible. At least it's not Australia.

I'm a bit stunned at the suggestion that the OP should ask her parents to look at other locations. What a selfish thing to even suggest. The sense of entitlement from some posters is astounding. Well I'm a grandparent and my child wouldn't have to ask, if my daughter and her child were living with me their needs would be taken into consideration. You don't stop being a parent because you have become a grandparent.

I found myself in a similar position to the OP at a similar age. My fiance revealed that he had met someone else when I was 7 months pregnant and so I was forced to abandon my entire life and move 3 hours away from him back home to live with my mother.

Unfortunately, she felt it would be a bit of a blow to her social life ability to invite men back as well as being an embarrasment that her daughter was a single parent and, when I was in hospital having my baby, she arranged for me to go into a hostel.

We were surrounded by violence, threats of violence, prositution, drug abuse... a very far cry from my vair naice middle class upbringing. But hey, at least my mother didn't have the shame of everyone knowing her daughter was a "fallen woman". We lived there until my son was 10 months old when a charity housed us in a tiny flat in a crappy area where it wasn't really safe to go out.

Some people stop being parents long before they become grandparents...

OP, you're the one who's put in the hard graft and actually been a parent. He's just popped up at the weekends. If he'd been that bothered, he could have done way way more to facilitate contact. How dare he help create a child and then only deign to see her for fun days out at the weekend? Move and be happy, sod him. He sounds like a nasty piece of work who wants to control you now you have a chance of financial security and happiness.

FriendTillTheEnd, that is really sad. I can't understand parents being like that. My 45 year old is still my child and I worry about him, feel proud when he achieves something and I would never see him in a position like that, or his younger siblings obviously. Was your mother always a bit selfish or did she change at some point? I suppose some people never really start being parents in the first place.

I hope things have moved on for you, you mum doesn't know what she is missing and in the end she is the loser. I suppose we are all different.

I would move. You're not married to him, and having been with him since before your dd was born. It won't be easy, but I don't think it's a decision you'll regret. Maybe it'll be more affordable for you to set up your own home (maybe with someone else) one day outside of London where it's more affordable.

My parents were basing the decision on moving there depending on whether I liked it as well as I would be very much a part of the business

OP that is very different to how you presented this. It isn't a question of either you go to Wales or stay in London homeless. Your parents are doing what I said I'd do, involving you in this decision. You aren't a bystander here, you have a decision to make and you can't blame your parents, housing costs, your ex, the decision is yours.

grannytomine It was always a difficult relationship. We've had no contact now for over 5 years. I tried desperately hard to build a relationship with her, but she just wasn't interested.

I wish I'd had a mum more like you.

I'm 42. It still makes me cry and I still feel the lack of love as a physical pain.

But what can you do?

FriendTillTheEnd, she really is the loser and has thrown away a relationship with you and your child. She must be very shallow. I hope you have other people in your life to support you and give you the love you deserve.

Hi,

Of course you should move it sounds like an amazing opportunity for you and your daughter. Living in SE London in rented accommodation on benefits without the support of your parents sounds hideous and won't be good for your daughter either.

He will come round - ultimately this is a reality of break ups, that families can't always stay geographically close. I also think it's wrong to shame any parent/main carer for moving away - ultimately as the full time carer (I acknowledge your ex takes your daughter out at weekends) you will be the one having to think about
how you can work and do nursery/school holidays, how to pay for all those day to day expenses, trips etc - all the things that seem to get costlier as they get older, why make it harder for yourself? Your ex partner needs to calm down and think about what's best for your daughter and he'll find a way to see her regularly and it sounds like you will help.

My experience of this is being with a man who had 3 children from previous relationships, the eldest was far away and the younger two just up the road - he paid maintanence and we had them frequently but the day to day strains were definitely picked up by both mums - so he had to respect that. Ultimately if it's a choice of space, fresh air, beaches, nature and a lovely environment - I would want that for my child.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Definitely move OP, why would you want to stay and scrimp and scrape, when you have the opportunity for a good job with your parents business.
Surely your dd's father can see that she would have a better life and standard of living by moving away.
Maybe he thinks that if you stay that you'd end up moving in together again!

I have not read the full thread just the first two pages. I would be gone like a long dog OP. He has not treated you well, his family have not treated you well and he can't provide a home for your daughter near him. I wouldn't look past those facts and make a decision that suited me. He could always move near you and your daughter or would that be a crazy idea. If he was serious about maintaining a relationship with his DD maybe he ought to step outside his comfort zone for once in his life?

Is there really no other way? Another friend ( poss single mum?) you could move in with? You stand a real chance of your daughter resenting you for taking her away from her dad and, when she gets a bit older may even ask to live with him. I get that's he's got problems but you said he was a brilliant dad to your daughter. Whatever he's done wrong, this is brutal punishment. I'd be heartbroken if someone took my child away so far.

@Bobbi73 are you trying to suggest that I'm doing this to punish my ex? Because if you are you clearly haven't read the thread

Could you not meet halfway? A 3 1/2 hr drive is not so bad and the three of you could spend the day together, which I'm sure your dd would enjoy.

with all the excitement you won't forget to inform your local authority that you're moving out of area and take yourself off the council property waiting list, will you OP.

I would also question that he is a brilliant Dad. It's easy to be brilliant when all he's doing is playing a cameo role isn't it. He is providing bugger all otherwise.

The only person on here who knows this man is the OP, why are so many people insisting he isn't a brilliant dad if she says he is? Surely she should know?

On the other kind of similar thread I thought they were both selfish arseholes. Mainly because they didn't give a crap about how it might upset the child. The opportunity sounds fabulous and it doesn't seem like you have much of a choice and you clearly care about how this will affect both your daughter and her dad.

The only thing that would have made me move away from my children's dad is homelessness or unsuitable accommodation. In those cases he would have stepped up to the plate anyway, which your ex can't do.

I feel sad for your ex, but he hasn't left you with much choice has he?

I didn't mean it like that, it was just a turn of phrase. I know you're trying to make the best choice for you and your daughter but It just seems hard on him.

OP you have thought really carefully about your options - go with your parents and give your dd a great life with her family, or not go and end up being housed somewhere like Manchester with no support network for you & your dd.
If your parents move then either way you'll be a considerable distance from your ex.
He is an adult and a father and frankly, shit happens, he can step up to the mark and find a way to see his daughter wherever she lives or he can whinge about it being unfair and you being evil.
If you're with your parents you'll have support and your dd will have plenty of family around her.
If you're in Manchester in a bedsit you'll have no-one, your dd will have only you, the chances are your mental health will suffer and I have no doubt your ex will still be badmouthing you.
It sounds as though he wants everything to stay just as it is because it means he has to make no changes at all.
Life isn't like that - in an ideal world all parents would live happily ever after together in cottages with roses growing round the door.
You won't be moving to spite him or stop him seeing his dd but the alternative is no better for anyone involved so you don't really have a choice imho.
He can choose to try his best & by the sound of your post you would do your best to ensure contact continues, or he can be angry. It really is up to him.
It worries me though that he could be telling your dd that you're evil etc when she is with him which if course would be awful.
Whatever happens I wish you all the best x

If your ex treats you with blatant hostility, then I actually don't think he can be considered a brilliant dad. Because part of being a good parent is treating the other parent with respect. Yes, he can probably make DD laugh and have a good time, but his resentment toward you is not acceptable, even as part of parenting. You are his DD's mother.

I think you should move with your parents. In an ideal world you wouldn't have to, but you don't have a lot of choice here. Good luck.