More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


It is hard for him, I can't imagine the heartbreak.

However, right now the only ones who can provide well for the child is the grandparents, and her mother if she takes up the offer.

are, not is!

This happened to me, when my eldest two were 10 & 12 my whole family moved counties for a serious personal reasons and i had also adopted a child with disabilities so needed family support. So I told my ex husband and he went mad for a while but when he knew I was definitely going we agreed on him coming to visit a couple of times a month (I dont drive) and as time went on the children made there own arrangements with him. I also moved to give mine a better life in a more child friendly environment and they have thrived. My advice is to go for it and make a good life for you and the children and who knows your ex may come to like the new area like mine did

There is really no guarantee that he'd continue to see his DD, or ever reach a point where he had somewhere suitable for her to visit for a weekend, or that he will ever want her for Xmas/birthdays etc.
My ex is a pleasant bloke, but moved to be close to his job (10 mins from work, 40 mins from kids) when he could have stayed local (so couldn't/wouldn't take kids to midweek clubs when he had promised them he'd keep that up). Also never had them for Xmas, birthdays (has dropped them at their party and left immediately).

They have enjoyed times when they see him, as he OPs DD enjoys seeing her dad, but its quite unlikely he'll develop into a parent who is organised enough to do Xmas with his child.
The DD is not likely to take much notice if he were to try poisoning her against her mum. She will barely remember a life in London in a couple of years and he'd be trying to tell a child that her whole life, friends, school, everything, is wrong because it doesn't suit him. That would be seriously messed up.

It is hard for him, I can't imagine the heartbreak
I think this is over the top, truly - the DD is not gone forever, they're not going to Australia! He can get on a train and go see her (or move nearer, make a fresh start, and get his life together, to be a proper father to her..).

Have you tried going back to the council and explaining that you and your daughter will have nowhere to live when your parents move? Maybe they will move you up the list and you can move with your parents temporarily while you wait to get a place of your own.

I think the people who are saying it's your DDs father's problem and to let him work it out are pretty heartless. If you can give your child a loving father as well as a loving mother that's a wonderful thing. Loving grandparents are great too, but the reality is that your daughter will lose a precious and important relationship if you go that far away, and a parent will lose their beloved child. So I think you are absolutely right to feel caught in an impossible situation. Of course you have to give your child a good home, but of course you don't want to take her dad away in order to do so. I'm so sorry you are in this terrible position.

Can you talk to your parents about it? Do they need to go quite so far away to find their retirement home? Surely they can understand the position you are in and would try to help their granddaughter have a good home and two loving parents.

I don't think it is over the top.

I think OP should go. She doesn't have much of a choice.

I would be heartbroken if my child was 7 hours away, my ex husband would have been too. He would have hated not seeing the children as much as he did, which was a lot to be fair. I don't think that's a reason for the OP to not go, but I do feel for him.

Yes, you can get trains, but not being able to go to school plays, parents evenings etc and just being able to pop in when you are missing your child would surely be heartbreaking for most parents?

I do agree though that he could move closer at some point. Depending on his MH condition and whether that kind of change and what it will require is possible for him.

Hi OP I have read all your posts on this thread but not all the replies, so apologies if this has been suggested already:

You mention the place is in Wales. Couldnt your ex move to Liverpool or Cardiff or Birmingham or whatever is closest to the exact location you are after? Plenty of jobs there I'm sure, and he'd be much closer to his DD?

I think your living arrangement with your parents sounds healthy, and ignore people who say you need to be independent Right Now. There will be a time for that I'm sure, but right now you are doing everything to be a strong and healthy mother to your DD, which is as it should be! And youre only in your early twenties! Plenty of people without kids are still living with their parents at that age for all sorts of reasons. And you have a very good reason to do so.
So I would definitely say you should continue living with them for now, even if that involves moving.

If it would be at all possible, for you to invite him over, to your parents home, and speak openly with him, then I would do this first.
Would he be able to withhold any anger of animosity, towards you, and discuss options.
If he is genuinely a good Father, and not just trying to get back with you, then at present, he'll be in turmoil.
In the long run, in my opinion, of course, it's a no brainer, you move with your parents, if they go.
Hopefully, he will begin to realise, that this move would be in his daughters best interests.

Go with your family for a better life for you and your daughter. As you go along life changes. You might find someone and so might he. Then the dynamics change. I think you will both try to keep as much contact as possible. Don't panic. See how it pans out. Good luck.

My dad left when I was three, he moved about 4 hours away, I saw him a couple of times a year, he was a total ass hole to my mum. However, I was still a daddies girl, he got to be the fun dad and spoil me when we saw each other I loved him and we're really close now.

Also, I grew up in a similar setting to where you're looking to take your daughter, and I loved growing up surrounded by beaches and countryside and it meant that visiting my dad in London was so exciting!!

Tricky dilemma! I truest sympathise with your position OP....is there any compromise you can reach ? Like meeting him half way with DD on some weekends??
This may seem like shady advice but, if you're seriously going to make this love if get legal advice before he does. I'm not 100% certain so don't take my word, but i THINK if he gets his case before a judge re:contact he could have prohibited steps put in place to prevent you leaving the district if he can demonstrate its bad for your daughter . I'm sure other posters will correct me if I'm wrong on that??
There is also a possibility that he could get a contact order which is quite rigid and will commit you to having to fetch her to him a set amount of days a month .
I could have my wires crossed but either way, the smart move is legal advice from a family law expert

I really do appreciate all the support on here!! Obviously I'll have to agree to disagree with a few posters but there have been some fab suggestions.

I'm going to try and have a big talk with my ex at some point over the weekend and hopefully it's not going to turn into a huge argument

DH and his ex split when DSS was 2. For 15 years DH travelled from London to Cumbria every other weekend to see his boy, and took DSS on holiday every year. All growed up now but they're close and always will be, I think.

It's not quite so far - though not far off it on a Sunday afternoon - but you can make it work, if you have the will. If your parents are happy to let him stay overnight in the house that will make it much easier, however.

I have to wonder where 'going ballistic' fits in with being a wonderful dad. A reasonable man with his childs and baby mothers best interests at heart would see this plan to move as being the only solution. It's easy to be a wonderful parent for week-ends.... the day to day responsibility of providing a roof over your head, eating, keeping warm etc is a lot bigger a deal. Sorry, this boy/man is too immature to even consider in this. If he loves his child, he will make the effort to travel to see her. Please promise us all that you don't allow him to change your mind on the move, and please promise us that you don't take this bit of unwanted luggage with you.

Go go go!!!

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity for both you and your daughter; you be mad not to take it up . To be honest this could be the change that forces your daughter's father to change his life too. The Status quo certainly doesn't sound great for either of you, if you stay you could both be trapped in this life of near poverty indefinitely.

Go - encourage him to follow. If he really cares he'll change his life around and use his fantastic degree. A PGCE would be perfect - you can teach anywhere..... even Wales !!

This could be just the kick up the arse he's been waiting for .

Good luck!!

It's worth pointing out a story of my own here....
My sons Dad and I moved to England from Ireland but then split when he was one.
My natural inclination was to head back home but my sons dad threatened suicide so I stayed . Fast forward to him turning five and with three months notice his dad moved back to Ireland himself . Childhood sweetheart gave him an offer he couldn't refuse . Breaking it to my son was the most gut wrenching thing I've ever had go do . He was in pieces . We have put those differences behind us and have a good relationship now... He makes as much effort as he can to get over to see my son , and we take him over to see him too ... But it was a lesson to be learned! I took the into consideration the impact moving would have on my ex.... yet when it cone down to it he moved in a heartbeat . Be fair but don't go too far as to stop your whole life plans based on his needs . X

op Where are you going to have your big talk? Make sure it is a safe place if he is going to get angry with you. " and hopefully it's not going to turn into a huge argument! If it does then just leave, or record his voice being unpleasant/angry on your mobile phone.

Your life and that of your dd should not be held hostage to him. neither of you can afford to rent, let alone buy, in the city you were born into. You are moving to give your dd a better life and you are moving to have support from your parents.

If he chooses to stay in London, then you and he can facilitate contact. I can well understand why he would not want to move, and should not have to. But he cannot expect you to live there (where you cannot afford to rent) simply so he can see his child.

Your child was not planned with him, he destroyed the relationship that could have kept you together. You could have moved away there and then, you could have built a life for you and your dd that did not include him. You have helped to facilitate a relationship between his dd and him for 2 years. Now is your turn to do something that is right for you and dd.

If you are worried, please take legal advice. Children are not property owned 50/50, they are people and they have lots of practical needs. He may adore her but is not meeting those practical needs and to stay in a city you cannot afford to live in sounds quite crazy.

I think you also OP, may be your own worst enemy if you keep on telling people what a brilliant dad he is and what a great relationship they have. Are you present with him when he is parenting or do you just see how your dd feels at the prospect of seeing dad and vice versa?

I am not telling you what to think or trying to get you to reveal more than you wish to.

I just wanted you to think about these things. EG If you and he go out together with your dd, how does he treat you and speak to you in her company? What model of how men treat women is he presenting to her?

Is he caring for her needs, organising meals, etc or is his mum/dad doing all that? Does he deal with nappies and all that. If he is dealing with the practical stuff great. If not, be aware because good parenting is about the practical stuff as well as the fun stuff.

mrscupcake "It worries me though that he could be telling your dd that you're evil etc when she is with him which if course would be awful."

This had occurred to me too.

Go for it. Sounds like you have a supportive relationship with your folks and that works both ways. As they get older they will want you around. Growing up in a country outdoorsy environment in a nice big house has got to be better than being in a city surely? Your ex needs to understand that you are not doing this to spite him but to provide your child with an better opportunity and life. When he can provide a similar quality of life then there is a discussion. Good luck.

So sorry to hear your predicament. You must move, obviously, and so it's just a matter of solutions.

My BIL parents live about 6 hours away from my DS and BIL. Obviously they are GP not parents, but they have a wonderful relationship with their GC , they keep in regular contact via all sorts of medias - Skype; instagram; telephone calls; emails etc. And anything important they come up for. I know it's not the same as being there all the time, but there are so many ways to keep in contact, and feel part of things, you could easily keep him feeling part of things and keep their relationship going, if he's willing to approach things with an open mind.

7 hours is one hell of a drive. I'd think long and hard about offering to do this once a month, personally I think it's not fair on your DC to stuck in the car for so long, and I think she'd be too tired and fed up to make the most of her time with your ex.

Could your parents put him up at their new house? Or could he afford a local b and b?

If so, could you let him look after your child in week blocks, or let him.hang out with her in week blocks, he could use all/most of his holiday staying somewhere near you. 4/ 5 week blocks a year, plus some travel to London from you and making the best of modern technology could hopefully
keep things are going.

Why don't you also have a look on the armed forces websites. They have advice on helping young children through deployment, and some of the advice provided might be transferable.

One thing that I thought sounded nice from their pages was keeping a scrap book with pictures of daddy in, so you can talk about him with a reference point when he's not there, and you could do another one with your DC to show him when he is there!

Good luck to you anyway, I'm sure you DC will have a much better life out in the country and if it is the middle of nowhere then chances are property will be reasonably priced and at some point you'll be able to branch out on your own.

Yes, please do invite him round to your parents home. You will be in a safe environment, and he is less likely to kick off.
You can speak privately in another room.
I really hope he listens to you, good luck OP. 🌸

You can use www.turn2us.org.uk to find grants to maybe help him (or you) with a rental deposit? There's also a benefit calculator to work out how much potential help there will be with rent/council tax etc. Just an option that might be worth looking into for either of you

I moved 2 hours away and ex originally moved 1hr 30 away. Still manage every other weekend. Yes racks up mileage but worth it. I drive down Friday pm he drives Dd back Sunday pm. If moved further or any issues we meet half way both times. It can work been doing do for 13 years ! Move.