More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


7 hours must be very very far.. I'm in Edinburgh and can get to London in less than 7 hours in a car, then there are planes and trains which can be extremely cheap if booked in advance and less time! Could your parents find similar somewhere closer? Why this one so far?

I was in your situation OP and lived with my parents for a year until I found a private rental which I could just about afford with housing benefit and child tax credits, part time income and working tax credits.
I was nowhere near being able to get council accommodation. Can your ExP help your costs with maintenance if you stay in the area? Or with childcare to help you work/train?
It's really tough but I wouldnt move if you can help it.

Have you any experience of running a B&B?

My parents visit a very rural part of Wales regularly. They know the owners very well. They've run it for years (very nicely) and brought up a family doing it, and lived there all their life.
They make very little money on it, some years a loss. It's hard work for them. It's very seasonal-they had no time for their children through the summer holidays. We used to play with the children-but the children found it difficult.
They found winters very hard, very bleak, little public transport, very little to do. Schools were very poor and they travelled for miles.
From knowing the children, I would say we envied them because we saw from the outside the dreamy summer time bliss. As an adult, I realise how hard it was for them.
And this was a family who had been there for generations, had many relatives around, friends they'd grown up with.

I don't think it necessarily will be as ideal (or as profitable) as you're dreaming.

Go and be happy with your support network, make a wonderful new life for yourself and your dd and do your fair share of taking your Dc to see her dad. You can't miss the chance for happiness and he should be considering how happy his DD would be instead of trying to guilt you into homelessness just so he gets to see you effort free.

Moving would offer a lot to your child. Good school, nicer lifestyle, being with grandparents, working mother. If it's a b&b your parents are thinking of running, you could always offer for him to stay a long weekend every three weeks? For free.

Or alternatively he could visit for a long weekend once a month and you could visit London once a month also. If you can stay with friends?

Go for it OP -- it is the best option for your DD. Your ex is just playing at being a father and has made no sacrifices for her such as moving out of his comfort zone and finding a better paid job or getting further training. I'd also be concerned that because he has anger issues that he may transfer his feelings of anger from you to your DD. I know you feel your DD is safe with him but so have other mothers whose ex's have formed the view that if they cannot have their DC then the mother won't either!
The countryside will be healthier for your DD away from the toxic particulates etc in the air in the London area -- sounds as if your DD is sensitive if she reacts to damp and possibly fungal spore.
No judge would prevent your moving given your circumstances. However when your DD is older and if your ex can provide accommodation he might be given contact during the school holidays.
Meanwhile it's up to him to arrange to visit her -- is there a camping ground nearby?
I hope your parents are successful in following their dream. Good luck to you

just to add (and replicate a few voices) a move away from the crime, poverty and lack of support network OP portrays in SE London (if she gets a council flat or can afford a 1 bedroom flat they are likely to be in a in a shot part of SE London if she subsists on benefits - I know lovely SE places exist!) sounds to be in the best interests of the child.

Travelling back 1 per month and getting ex to visit 1 pm sounds like a great compromise. Its awful for the dad but he should also want whats best for his DD.

@Witchend Obviously that's very unfortunate that the couple your parents know have had a bad experience with running a b&b. I can assure you it's not going to be the case with this one.

I want to say with my heart "please go" and then I feel really bad for the dad. but if this was the dad in your situation and roles replaced I would be saying the same to him.
staying seems to me to bring such hopelessness for your and the little one in the future. scrimping and saving for little quality of life compared to the home.job.school.air of moving sounds like a no brainer of a choice. you both need this. you have a job a new start.right at the age too when you little one can adapt easily.make new friends.fresh air.
I think the time spent now should be making plans to make sure everyone is happy BECAUSE YES YOU ARE MOVING.
hve you told him straight.being kind and saying how life ouwld be one:if you stayed and how youd have to live
two:would he really take on said role said role and said role that he needs to to step up,show he can be a father and give him all the roles you play.becasue going out with the ddd and loving them and being close is fab but doing the roles of a parent in every day life is very different.sounds to me he could or wouldn't take these on.
plus how they've treated you.well cruelty like this I wouldn't want my child gorwing up around.
yes others have said it might not be all rose tinted and grass is greener away.but sounds a hell of a lot better than staying.itl be hard but hey life is.and you will be with family.able to earn a living.put hard graft into a fantastic life in the country.
you might want to move back one day.but you might not. this is now and it sounds like its all planned apart from the dad.and he isn't seemingly offering good enough reasons to stay.
look up things to do in the area.come to him with b and bs or the offer of a bed every time he comes. could you offer to drive meet half way.stay there for a weekend so he can spend time with daughter.would you think of him having her for longer periods?
come to him with ideas so you make it clear hel see her the same or as close as.
and with your daughter too.set up a skype account. viedo calls.
time allocated just for them and phone calls.
buy her an art set just to paint pictures to send to daddy.

Hey OP, you have a tough life choice here but have clearly made up your mind and, on balance, it seems like the right choice. Can I ask, what has your XP suggested you do in the situation? When you explained that your parents are selling up and moving away so you would have nowhere to live in London, what was his suggestion or solution?

I do pity him; his own living situation is far from ideal but he doesn't seem to have the confidence or ability to get out of it, even though he has the focus, intelligence and application to get a first class degree. Something there doesn't quite fit - is it due to MH reasons?

Remember that he will be panicking about the move and feeling like he has failed as a dad, so go easy on him (although I realise he isn't always the easiest).

It sounds like you are both stuck in a rut and hopefully this situation is the kicker to get you both out of it. Good luck OP.

(BTW I moved out of London to the country. It is great life for a young child but there can be long, lonely periods, especially over winter. Be prepared!)

Obviously that's very unfortunate that the couple your parents know have had a bad experience with running a b&b. I can assure you it's not going to be the case with this one.

I have read all your posts OP, and totally supported you. Until I read this post of yours. Being positive is all very well but I am afraid you cannot assure anybody that the B&B will be a success. I sincerely hope it is, especially as you will have to factorthe time and expense of much travelling into the equation, but please be a little realistic also. Many B&B's are failing at the moment, especially when the owners are inexperienced. Of course many others are a great success and I hope yours will be one of them. But you cannot guarentee it. Good luck.

Since you are moving to somewhere where you can work and he is broke I think you should try to fund some flights for your DD to see her father during weekends and holidays. It is not a 7 hour trip if you fly.

What worries me, and I know you'll jump all over me, is that the couple who are selling the B&B have a disabled child in a wheelchair and there isn't enough support for them where they are, in the rural area. I know you've said wheelchair accessible, but there's a lot more to support than that and I know from experience how hard it is to get support in a rural area. Everything is based in bigger cities.

You mention that you have a disabled sibling. I have no idea, as you haven't said, whether that sibling needs a wheelchair or not, but similar issues will be there with regards to support.

And if the B&B was as idyllic and super profitable as you think, they could buy in all the help they needed.

Running a B&B is a hard, 24/7 job. How do you think your parents are going to cope with that and a disabled sibling of yours plus your DD? I mean, you say you'll be working for them, and that's great for you, but B&B jobs pay minimum wage for a reason. Your DD is 2. She won't be at school, so who is going to look after her when you're working?

Also, B&B will be busiest in the holidays - Easter and Summer and maybe October. Your DD won't be at school then, she will be off at those times, and since you don't want her staying overnight with her dad, where do you envisage she will be and who will look after her during those times? Most of the other people in the area are likely also to work in tourism and be busy at the same times as you.

These are only practical questions, not having a go, but these are the things you need to be thinking of.

You would get bumped up the council list as you can now prove you will be unintentionally homeless (once your parents buy). You would get housed locally. Just in case you are actually considering staying.

You have to do what is best for yourself & your child but I'm sure if this was a bloke saying the same thing he'd get shot down in flames.

Maybe you could suggest longer less frequent stays so your ex has to make arrangements for overnight visits. Maybe he should contact the council about housing if he is unable to provide a place for your child to stay.

How would you feel if the situation reversed?

Tough decision - I don't envy you.

Go. Yes, it's hard for the father, really hard. But the alternative is you living in a not very nice place with no support except your dd gets taken out during the day at weekends.

Make it work. Meet halfway once or twice a month. Skype, ring, send pictures.

You're being asked to give up a future because the dad isn't willing to change his current circumstances.

Moved back to the UK from another country (6+ hours flight) with one parent when I was in my early teens and my sister was a few years younger. We still have excellent relationships with the other parent, who remained in their home country. That was based on the fact that they really made a consistent effort to keep in touch by letter, phone/Skype, and regular visits either by them or by us (paid for by them).

I think you have to make your decision based on what is best for your daughter. You're obviously considering the relationship with your DD and her dad (but bear in mind that he also could move in future). Also look at the Ofsted rating for the local primary school, see which catchment area the house is likely to be in for secondary schools and look at those briefly too, etc.

To be honest I think it will be a tough move for you as much as anything far away, and far from your friends but it's great you can see the positives. I'm not sure you'll have much option. Anyone who knows London at the moment will understand the lack of housing -- as you say, councils are moving urgent homelessness cases out of London, so you'd be no better off. And, as you say, you are both happy with your parents for now.

People saying the OP will get a local council house -- absolutely not true in London! Sorry. You are very out of date with this information in most councils. Significantly more likely to be rehomed in temporary housing (e.g. B&B) outside of the area. NOT a good option with a young child if you can possibly avoid it.

Go, OP.

I have an ex who sounds like yours. He was angry at me when we split, but everyone in his family said he was a good dad, the best, and DC loved spending time with him when they were small because (and this is crucial) a lot of the things he said to them about me went over their heads. They saw the hugs and the presents and the swings and the ice creams, but they didn't understand what he was saying about me.

And then they did start to understand. They started telling him that what he said wasn't true. He got angrier and angrier. One by one they stopped being happy about seeing him and started avoiding even talking to him. Now I have DC who will not see their dad.

I am grateful every single day that he lives five hours away (his choice, his move) because he still hates me, he broadcasts how much he hates me over social media, and at least the distance offers DC some protection from it all.

For those saying she should stay, I think it would be very unreasonable to move to possibly very substandard accommodation to stay near a man who, although, he is a good father, has treated her very badly. Would any of you honestly deny your child a safe, loving environment with all the listed advantages, in order to facilitate her occasional contact with her father? They will still be in the same country, travel will be possible, all that is needed is goodwill on both sides. A genuinely loving father would be very upset but would understand.

itsallgonetoshit that I'd so sad for you and dcs but good he is so far away.

OP I think you need to consider what your ex says to you and about in your assessment of his parenting skills.

grannytomine The only person on here who knows this man is the OP, why are so many people insisting he isn't a brilliant dad if she says he is? Surely she should know?

Speaking for myself I'm questioning the 'brilliant dad' tag. OP has provided 100% of the care from the outset in the face of his abusive behaviour.

He drops into her life at the weekends to do 'treats'. He isn't prepared to lift a finger in terms of change, is abusive when talked to about change, wants to block opportunities for a better life for his daughter/OP/OP's family. Its all about him and what he wants - who is the child here?

Where is he when she is sick, waking up at nights, doing the boring stuff? In two years he has made no change or other provision for his daughter, apparently content to be a treat parent. If that is the definition of a brilliant parent then some of the lacklustre parents I've seen discussed here on other threads are bloody rockstars!

If this was someone actively trying to make other provision for DD, engaging in actual care rather than playtime I'd probably feel differently but his motivation seems to be all about him rather than about the whole family or even his DD.

usernumbernine What worries me...

I agree with a lot of your warnings - have family running businesses in rural areas and they do see people taking up B&B without understanding the workload or how to manage the costs. That said, the good ones do make a good income stream out of the business and it funds the rural lifestyle they are seeking. Its like any other business in that respect.

OP has said her parents have been looking into this over a prolonged period, been to see it and that it is a running business so will have books to review. We can only assume they have done the homework on this but if not then yes your warnings are very true.

@usernumbernine I'm not going to comment any further on the current owners situation. That's not my place to write about their circumstances which could potentially identify them.

My brother is not in a wheelchair he is severely autistic and he currently lives in a residential home. My parents are also considering him as a priority in the move not just me and my daughter. The move will benefit my brother as well greatly as he will be able to work in the cafe during the season behind the scenes. He loves cooking, and is exceptionally good at at it. This move will benefit everybody greatly.

It is currently extremely profitable under the current owners, and they do not even utilise it to its full money making potential.

I really think you should move to the new life with your parents. if you stayed in London, purely so your DD could carry on seeing her Dad, you would be so miserable. Also, if you ended up having to be rehoused you could end up in Manchester or Birmingham and he would still have to travel a long way to see her. Nobody can predict the future, but you need to do what's best for you and your daughter now and this is it.