More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP just a though that has been mentioned before but why do you say the relationship is so good between your ex and his dd? Are you present when they interact, or do you leave her with him?

You don't need to answer if you do not wish to.

Honestly so what if their relationship is good. You are a single mother. Ultimately you will be the one taking care of her needs and making the decisions for her. Putting yourself on benefits, in a council flat without family support is hardly the dream lifestyle is it? If he cared one iota about his daughter, he would be mature enough to realise you are giving her far more opportunities by moving.

It is absolute rubbish that you will never be able to leave the countryside and you will be 'stuck'there. I grew up in the countryside and yes you will obviously have to adjust but what happens if you don't like it? You aren't selling a property and won't be able to buy again. You are on a waiting list for a council flat. If you go, and give it a decent try and decide you don't like it, then you can go back to the city and go on a council list again. You have nothing to lose by giving it a go. I will also urge you to think what it will be like on your own without your existing family support. Life on your own without support is hard, lonely and you will be a 24/7 on your own. A problem shared is a problem halved is a very true saying.

Not withstanding you already do not have a relationship with this man, your child's father could disappear at any time/have a baby with somebody else/stop talking to you. Even if you were in some sort of casual relationship with him, I'd urge you to try a new lifestyle. Remember you are a single mother. This man can come and go as he pleases. Think of you and your daughter. When she gets older, if you aren't happy with your parents then look at your choices. Use your time having their support to retrain/study. You might love your new lifestyle, you might love working in the B&B, you might see an opportunity to develop something else in the community m. Think positively. Think as a single mum.

My parents are quite
Within their rights to do what they want to do. And if they want to move 7 hours away by the coast then I would never make them feel guilty for doing so. They've worked hard their whole lives and gave me and everything i ever needed and more growing up. I wasnt asking for people to critique their choices as I'm not. I was just asking if anybody had been in a similar scenario.

User there choice is making this hard for you and your daughter. You are a family and some of us think that yes they are entitled to their dream but they can have the dream closer to London making it easier for you.

How do they feel about going if you don't go? Would it worry them that they would see less of you and their granddaughter?

Sure, but what I'm trying to get a sense of is whether this is really a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them or whether meh, there'll be other B and Bs. How long have they been looking? Do they have family ties in the area they're looking at? There are plenty of other thriving B and Bs in lovely coastal areas that won't put you in this dilemma. (And I have to say I agree with others that you might be romanticising the countryside a bit).

I think where your parents are going sounds fab and you are absolutely right, you should not question their decision or try to delay their move. Living on the coast, growing up in a small community with the beach as a playground sounds superior to hanging around shopping centres any day. If I could offer that opportunity to my kids, I'd jump at it.

@Italiangreyhound He just absolutely dotes on her, and she adores him. Everyone comments that even if he can be a total arse towards me he is a brilliant father.

Yes it is absolutely a once in a lifetime opportunity. As I said previously if I was to show you all where it is you'd all want to buy it yourselves

I'm actually laughing because I really can't believe some people on here. Just because some of you don't fancy living in the countryside doesn't mean that OP or her family wouldn't like it. Most people of an older generation that I know, including my own parents, have spent a great deal of their lives working hard, saving money and making sacrifices for their kids and have some sort of plan for what happens after all of that, and quite frankly I think a lot of people on here are demonstrating selfish attitudes by suggesting that the OP's parents, to put it simply, compromise their plans for the OP's ex, who I think we can make a safe guess would never be half as considerate to do a similar thing if the tables were turned.

I'm really not romanticising it honestly. I went up there a few weeks ago and fell in love with it myself. As I said 25000 people visit this part of Wales every year and keep returning as it's so beautiful

user you really don't need to justify it, some of the things people are saying/asking about it are beyond ridiculous. So many posters are acting as though you're condemning yourself to live in a place that's cut off from the rest of the world

As I've said before yeah Londons great if you've got money!! But I don't have any. I could get myself a low paid job, living in a dingy bedsit spending every penny on childcare.. and for what..? Just to have the 'privilege' of living in the capital

It is easy to be a fab two day a week parent. If he is, he will have no problem making sacrifices to see her. In six months time you might not be singing his praises!

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, it's great when the weather's nice . Sorry to harp on OP but have you all visited other equally beautiful parts of the country that aren't seven hours drive away? You might all fall in love with those too.

I'm really not romanticising it honestly. I went up there a few weeks ago and fell in love with it myself. As I said 25000 people visit this part of Wales every year and keep returning as it's so beautiful So I'll ask again, have you thought of taking him to have a look at it? If its that great it might persuade him that it is worth it for his daughter, he might fancy the idea of staying there every other weekend, he might visit a local town and consider getting a job there?

I'm a bit stunned at the suggestion that the OP should ask her parents to look at other locations. What a selfish thing to even suggest. The sense of entitlement from some posters is astounding.

OP every time you feel bad for taking your dd away from her 'brilliant father' remember that brilliant fathers don't abuse the their child's mother. They don't model erratic behaviours of abuse and apology for their child to mimic and they don't don't treat someone they purport to want to be in a relationship with anger and abuse. Your dd is only two right now so I'm sure their relationship is all fun play but what about when she is older and notices his behaviour to you? I think you are making the best of a bad situation and giving your dd a good life.

Completely agree with wildrose It's really quite shocking.

Excellent points Peppa and it's a horrid thought to consider how much worse things would get if OP was to stay in London without support around her whilst interacting with him in any way.

OP, you have to go. At least for now. If you can get a defent job and save for a deposit then not only have you got a chance for you and your daughter to have a better life and independence but you can also consider moving closer to London when the time is right. He simply cannot say you can't take her and leave the rest to you to figure out.

Everyone is shaming you but her dad has not made any attempt to provide a home. You are doing the mature thing by acknowledging you can't make it work in London. Whilst love is wonderful, it doesn't give her shelter or warmth or food. Staying with your parents does.

I truly think you have done all you can and without winning the lottery, going into a house share with strangers and a baby, reconciling with a turbulent partner or rendering yourself homeless at the mercy of a B and B there is no other alternative. Hold your head high and make the right decision for your daughter.

As you state, no judge could prevent you from leaving when you have nowhere else to go. You will make it work at least for now.

Ok then, that settles it - everyone has given their two penn'orth and op has dealt with all the other (ludicrous) alternative suggestions under the sun.

When's the move op? And where is it?! 😉

Everyone is shaming you but her dad has not made any attempt to provide a home That is unfair, he has done exactly the same as the OP, moved in with his parents. There is always more than one way to look at things but it can't be OK for her but a terrible thing for him.

I'm a bit stunned at the suggestion that the OP should ask her parents to look at other locations. What a selfish thing to even suggest. The sense of entitlement from some posters is astounding. Well I'm a grandparent and my child wouldn't have to ask, if my daughter and her child were living with me their needs would be taken into consideration. You don't stop being a parent because you have become a grandparent.

To be honest, I question how long he will continue to be a fantastic father anyway. It's pretty easy looking after a small child when you only have her two days a week and have grandparents around to help; it's a different kettle of fish having them overnight or for longer periods, and he may well feel differently about her when she's bigger and less biddable. He doesn't sound like the sort of person who would cope too well with a child who is playing up or won't do what she's told.

Grannytomine he has a full time job and the OP is unemployed. He has a far greater income than she does (admittedly only minimum wage but still more). The OP is doing everything in her power to keep her child from being homeless, if it was down to him he only solution would be a travel cot in a damp filled dining room. He has not tried to find her any alternative housing (in London or out). So far all he has done is shout that she can't take her away but what is his alternative solution? He hasn't got one.

OP I totally your parents are within their rights to move where they like and I would never make them feel bad for making that choice.

They stepped in when both you and your ex could not provide for your dd, you were quite young, 20/21 pregnant and single and they stepped in. They did not have to but they did. I certainly hope I would if either of my kids needed me. But I would not expect my kids to dictate to me what I did with their retirement/later life plans.

Theycalledmethewildrose speak volumes of wisdom in a short succcitnct post at Fri 21-Apr-17 14:11:52. I think OP you must decide what you want to do. Then do it. I am sure if it is best for you (in terms of life prospects) it will be best for dd.

By all means facilitate the relationship between your dd and her dad, help that along where you can, but do not stay put making yourself homeless to help the man who:
Was vile to you when you were pregnant and encouraged the break up
Encouraged his parents to be vile to you
Has been vile to your parents
Cannot seem to accept that you do not want to be with him
Is verbally, and I would say emotionally and mentally, abusive to you

Peppa so true. I really do not think this dad is such a great father if he treats the OP as he does. I think our views of parenting are perhaps too high expectations of mothers and generally too low expectations of fathers! IMHO.

The fact him and your dd adore each other is lovely but you can't seem to pin down anything more about their relationship and that makes me wonder what the substance of it is. Does he care for her needs when with her, does he plan and prepare or do you facilitate most things? I'm just wanting to encourage you to critic things in the complicated situation you find yourself in.

I do wonder if you are romanticizing your ex's relationship. "Everyone comments that even if he can be a total arse towards me he is a brilliant father."

How is he brilliant? Doting on someone is one aspect. Yes, she likes him/loves him/adores him. It would be quite easy for my kids to adore me. I'd ply them with chocolate, let them play on computers all day and have no rules! I

I am not saying your ex does this, I am just trying to get at what he does do. You do not need to reply to me, I just want you to think about this critically.