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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/04/2017 11:49

Chloe, I couldn't agree more.

pictish · 20/04/2017 12:00

Don't worry about that. OPs often don't return to a thread after they've got it all out. Chest unburdened...and moving on. No one is obliged to update here as much as we would sometimes like one.

I like the fact that these threads can spark an interesting debate that evolves as it runs.

user1489179512 · 20/04/2017 12:08

I cannot believe how daft some people's responses are. Helping out - with a child - now and again is fine but finding out you are being taken advantage of for the benefit of the friend's partner is a different thing altogether. No way should you continue helping someone who is actually at home and who should be seeing to his own child.
That is a cheek on their part.

ruthymwk597 · 20/04/2017 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 20/04/2017 17:33

i think helping a friend is fine (some mean ole SOBs on this thread) even to give husband a lie in after a 12 hr shift. we all know life + kids is a mad juggle.
But if its inconveniencing or stressful then its fine to say can we reduce it down.
alternatively, tell friend its the 35 mins before you get them in the care thats hard and could she drop off DD at 7.40 and transplant her straight into your car? then its very little hassle.

not worth losing a friend over if you think they aren't taking the piss but are unaware its seen as so.

should OP ever come back...

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 20/04/2017 17:33

car NOT care.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 17:44

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job
If the mother of the other girl doesn't need to be at work until 8:30 but nursery opens at 8:00, why doesn't she take her own DD when her DH can't??

OP you say that the other mother chooses to start work earlier but if she doesn't have to and it doesn't take more than 25 minutes to get to work from nursery then to me the solution is simple.

I think that these people are seriously taking advantage of you.

Kezzamo · 20/04/2017 17:45

As someone who works this shift pattern I can really sympathise! When you haven't finished until late and have to stay up again it's terrible. As for staying up after nights, it's an absolute killer!
Maybe she also doesn't want to confuse you? My dh and dm still can't work it out and I've been doing it for 15 years! Maybe he could help with pick ups a bit to repay the favour and maybe drop offs for you on 3 of his rest days?
Shift work is impossible without the assistance of others but maybe there a bit too much give and not enough take.

mineallmine · 20/04/2017 17:48

Where's the OP gone???

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 17:49

I have just realised something else in the OP.

The OP's DD only goes to nursery 2 days a week at the same time as the other girl but yet somehow the other girl seems to always need a lift even though the work pattern of her DF rotates on a 10 day basis.

I think that the OP was expecting the lifts to only be required once every few weeks due to the DF's shifts changing but yet she seems to have ended up taking her every time her own DD goes.

These people are taking advantage.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/04/2017 18:26

If you come back to this OP - from what you've said, it does sound like your friend never needs you to take her DD to nursery, either her DH can do it or she can, even if she would prefer to go in to work earlier. Reality is it looks like there would only be 1 or 2 days a fortnight where she'd have to go in a little later (which would be fine for her paid hours). And you have said it's harder work for you than just taking your DD.

So I'd say that sorry, you are finding it hard work to take both children, and can she make other arrangements. You know you aren't dropping her in it, as you know between her and her DH they could do it. They just don't want to. You don't need to give notice, they don't actually need your help, they just want your help.

(Plus pretty much every nursery I have come across will let you drop your DCs earlier for an extra fee)

BitOutOfPractice · 20/04/2017 18:32

I have to say I completely agree with BertrandRussell

"Of course you can say no. Of course you can say you can't do it any more. Absolutely no problem with that. And you don't have to give a reason-"I'm afraid it's not working for me any more" is fine. But I hate the justification, the mean spirited talk of "lie ins" and taking advantage" and the building it up into a favour akin to donating a kidney. I hate the suggestion that helping other parents out is a bad thing. And I hate the tally chart approach to doing someone else a good turn."

^ this!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/04/2017 18:42

How many days a week do the girls actually go to nursery? Do the other parents ever drop off their own child?

TheRealPooTroll · 20/04/2017 18:47

I don't think anyone's comparing it to donating a kidney but you can't say 'it's nothing' when you're not there doing it. For all we know the 2 yr olds may spend the whole 45 minutes squabbling and having tantrums over snatched toys, one of them refusing to get coats and shoes on and he other copying. Refusing to get into car seats then unbuckling themselves when the op goes to retrieve the other one who has run off etc etc.
Most people can see that it is potentially a big favour. And if he 'friend' wasn't taking the pee then she would have, at least, arranged for her or her dh to bring the op's dd home on the days the op takes them as they are getting their own child anyway. The op would still then be providing childcare that they aren't. But not even making any reciprocal offer in a year is taking advantage of the op's good nature imo.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 20/04/2017 19:10

Totally and completely agree with what CoolJazz said... Sometimes the reality of doing a favour (esp over time) makes it hard and then you start to feel resentful.

For me, I think I'd be ok with it (or more ok) if there was some quid-pro-quo, such as the other family collecting my child and giving her tea a couple of times a week. Then things are more fair and equal. Otherwise it is too much like the OP is an unpaid skivvy.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 20/04/2017 19:36

What a bizarre thread!

Op made an offer and friend accepted. How this got turned into a feminist issue is a bit Hmm

It sounds as though the op has changed her mind, either because she didn't realise it would be such hard work or is pissed off at friend's dh being home, or both, which is perfectly fine. Simply say you've changed your mind but don't make excuses for that by blaming the friend and her dh. All they did was accept the offer.

WaitrosePigeon · 20/04/2017 19:49

Why don't OP's come back anymore?!

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 19:51

putthebunny they accepted the offer of 2/10 drop offs not 2/5. So that means they accepted the offer and then took advantage.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 19:59

they accepted the offer of 2/10 drop offs not 2/5. So that means they accepted the offer and then took advantage
The way that I read the OP it wasn't even supposed to be as often as 2 days out of 10.

The DF can't take the DD to nursery 2 days out of 10 but the OP's DD only goes to nursery 2 days a week.

If the DF is on a 10 day schedule then the 2 days when he can't take his DD to nursery would change every week and therefore not always match up with the 2 days a week that the OP's DD goes to nursery.

Assuming of course that the OP's DD always attends on the same 2 days every week.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 20:03

yes something like that persiancatlady

I tried to work it out but lost the will to live!

car5ys · 20/04/2017 20:16

She needs a flexible childminder if required a regular set up. Go with the fact that your lo is becoming a "tad difficult" at the moment and you need to concentrate on her and work on her tantrums and are unable to do this with two lo's. Good luck

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 20:23

I tried to work it out but lost the will to live!
I haven't worked it out properly but if the DF is on a 10 day schedule then his 2 unavailable days wouldn't always be the same days of the week.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 20:29

but regardless on his 4 days off over the course of a year some of those days would fall on the 2 nursery days and they could have offered to do drop off/pick up for OP then.

dustarr73 · 20/04/2017 20:38

I think that's what's annoying op.Even if they repricoated in some way.Its just take,take take.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 20:42

but regardless on his 4 days off over the course of a year some of those days would fall on the 2 nursery days and they could have offered to do drop off/pick up for OP then
Absolutely.

Even now there are days when he must be off work completely and yet still the DD is dropped off at the OP's by her DM to get a lift and that is where they are taking advantage.