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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 20/04/2017 09:57

you've misunderstood the post then Hmm

Aderyn2016 · 20/04/2017 10:08

Not read the whole thread yet but this is a bigger societal problem of women being conditioned to think that men's needs are more important than our own. Therefore is doesn't occur to the OP's friend( or her h) to inconvenience him by having him take his own child to nursery. No, they would both rather allow some other woman to pick up their domestic slack because God forbid, h doesn't get enough sleep. Meanwhile you can struggle with two toddlers!
I don't believe they have consciously set out to take the piss, but this stuff seems to happen a lot to women and you have to put a stop to it. He is benefitting from your unpaid labour.

Scentofwater · 20/04/2017 10:15

Oh well if it's so easy to pick and choose jobs for you then I envy you! Not everyone has a choice. But also why should he get another job just because you decided he should? Before the ops offer they managed by the friend dropping their dd off, that's likely to be what happens again.

Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD.

It's only later the op has it confirmed that the friends husband is using this time to get to bed an hour earlier on his night shift etc.

Besides I never said the op was responsible for it, I actually said the opposite. Just that it is also unreasonable to dictate what this family do in terms of the husband dropping off when as far as they are concerned the op has very kindly been helping after she herself offered, and that as far as they are concerned that was never the original agreement. That doesn't sound like piss taking to me.

WrittenandGrown · 20/04/2017 10:24

Could not agree more with Aderyn

fuzzywuzzy · 20/04/2017 10:24

I agree with Aderyn, why is it the OP's repsonsibilityto continue with somethign that is not working for her?

ex used to work shifts, I managed a toddler and baby, did nursery runs and hired a nanny, no way was I going to be beholden to or relying on favours from friends. It's taking liberties. I had firends and family ready for emergencies but if anyone wants a permanent arrangement they should pay for it or make a reciprocal arrangement, which could also end at any point it becomes inconvenient to either party.

This is madness, a favour is understood to be something that could end at any time. It's done out of kindness.

I don't get all the oh poor shift working DH, how is that even the OP's problem, the couple chose to have a child together, presumably they had a plan in place of how to handle things when the DC's needs increased and both returned to work.

I actually imagine the OP's type of favour to continue indefinitely, OP will be doing nursery runs and school runs and sorting out holiday care for friends DC, because poor old shift working DH and friend who chooses to go to work earlier than she needs to.
Their child they are responsible.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 10:25

"Why shouldn't I have said no? Why shouldn't I have said I can't do this any longer?"

Of course you can say no. Of course you can say you can't do it any more. Absolutely no problem with that. And you don't have to give a reason-"I'm afraid it's not working for me any more" is fine.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 10:28

But I hate the justification, the mean spirited talk of "lie ins" and taking advantage" and the building it up into a favour akin to donating a kidney. I hate the suggestion that helping other parents out is a bad thing. And I hate the tally chart approach to doing someone else a good turn.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/04/2017 10:32

YY Aderyn.

Butterymuffin · 20/04/2017 10:35

No-one's compared it to donating a kidney. Don't be silly (as you keep saying)Smile

Women being taken advantage of (as Aderyn's excellent post points out) is a real thing and we're conditioned to suck it up and be nice about it. It's fine for favours to have limits and for people to have boundaries. OP has been doing a favour within those boundaries and is willing to continue that, but not at the expense of her regular morning time over her friend's and the friend's husband. Hardly mean-spirited. It seems mean towards the OP that her issues should be dismissed whereas theirs are terribly important.

Astro55 · 20/04/2017 10:36

I hate the suggestion that helping other parents out is a bad thing

Don't be silly

dustarr73 · 20/04/2017 10:37

Ok BertrandRussell how long is this favour supposed to last.Till the child graduates.It's not the helping out that's the problem.Its people taking the piss,that's the problem.

If the ops friend maybe took both kids and give the OP a break.It wouldn't be so bad,but it's very one sided agreement.

Aderyn2016 · 20/04/2017 10:41

No one thinks that doing a favour is bad and I don't believe any reasonable person keeps a tally. I am a sahp and have a lot more time/flexibility than some of my woh friends. Of course I would help them out if they were stuck. But would I do long term, unpaid childcare that made my own life more difficult, when they have husbands at home capable of looking after their own children? Hell no.

CoolJazz · 20/04/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 10:45

lol they should get another job if they're crying about how hard it is and expecting other people to subsidise their lives.

If you don't reciprocate EVER then that makes you a piss taker. So there is something to be said for doing things for other people so long as they return the favour every once in a while. It's never ok for one person to do all the giving and the other person to do all the taking.

Really don't know what kind of world you live in.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 10:50

"Really don't know what kind of world you live in"

A world where jobs are hard to come by, and where nobody works permanent night shifts unless they have to.

A world where some people are more in a position to offer favours than others. A world where kindness is paramount.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 10:53

And before anyone suggests that I am a "piss taker", I have always, during my life as a parent, been in a position to offer more favours than I needed.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 11:04

and where nobody works permanent night shifts unless they have to.

sorry not really feeling the violins. You don't assume other people are there to prop up your choices in life. Certainly not without some gratitude or discussion and it looks like neither of those has been forthcoming in this situation. They have let the situation slide without another thought for the OP because presumably they are too wrapped up in themselves. A more thoughtful person might check in once in a while and ask how it's going and check OP is managing ok. They might offer her something in return as a thank you.

I can't imagine just taking this kind of favour indefinitely and not feeling indebted in some way. But then I've never felt entitled.

Aderyn2016 · 20/04/2017 11:07

I don't know any men who would make their own lives harder on a long term basis, just to be nice. Certainly not if there was someone within the household whose actual responsibility it was.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 11:08

The man doesn't do permanent nights.

CoolJazz · 20/04/2017 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 20/04/2017 11:15

Aderyn word.

I was going to say something similar. Far from Bert's perception that the naysayers are unwilling to help and lack kindness, I think it's refreshing and encouraging to see so many women here asserting their reluctance to practically take on someone else's problem.

Women are commonly socially conditioned to put themselves out and prioritise the needs and wants of others before their own...in this case the friend's dh because let's face it, the extra days are for him. One way or another, OP has become the fall guy to make his work pattern easier for him to bear. What is he doing for her in return...besides fuck bloody all?

So what does she get out of it other than another two year old to look after at 7am?

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 11:22

no one is saying don't help.

OP has already been helping but it is now detrimental to her so she should put her own needs first.

BattleaxeGalactica · 20/04/2017 11:26

I suspect when the arrangement started the other child was younger and more portable/biddable. I wouldn't want to be responsible for wrangling an extra two year old into and out of a car seat and I'm not surprised you're finding it stressful, OP.

They've had around a year or so of a massive favour and if it's not working for you any more it's absolutely fine to tell them so. You don''t have to justify yourself or explain. Reclaim your sanity!

FuzzyOwl · 20/04/2017 11:27

I think you need to have a chat with your friend because (hopefully) she has no idea and doesn't realise how you feel or what a struggle you find doing this favour. Plus you suggest a give and take arrangement from now so that you don't feel taken advantage of - so her DH can take your child to nursery on his days off, or pick her up to give you some free time?

I do think that when you work shifts, it often isn't really a lie in or early night but simply the equivalent sleep that we all need. However, she opts to go to work earlier and really they should be beyond far more appreciative and grateful for you helping out. I would be mortified if I thought a friend felt they were being taken advantage of in this way, so hopefully a chat will resolve things. But, no, YANBU to stop altogether if you want to - I have two under two and there is a massive difference in dealing with just one child instead of both at the same time!

Chloe84 · 20/04/2017 11:46

Getting a bit tired of OP's starting a post and then not updating. Seems to happen in 50% of posts.