Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

Yes to add I meant picking her up from your Mum's/friends/public place, not your home address of course.

The problem is he can't come here to get her because the court order includes him not having my address. So I would need to drop her somewhere neutral that he can show up to get her. I will be off to my own service in a bit, so he's left it too late really. Even if DD had said yes. They go some contact weekends, depending on what else they have on. He is more than welcome to see her this afternoon if he wishes, but he will need to let me know in advance where he is getting her from.

Ah sorry, didn't see your post! I will facilitate something if he makes contact with me later, but if he asks DD again and she says no again I'm going to leave them to it. Hopefully a no from her will make him think.

I hope so too Gaelic. Sometimes overnight stays just don't work anymore. You would be open to day visits and so might DD, but that doesn't address the lack of feeling unwelcome at F and EX's and their kids behaviour.

I hope EX realises that even though you make DD available for contact, he cannot make her see him or stay at his house. DC grow up, they have hobbies, friends and interests, and why should they have to tolerate step or half siblings if they don't make any effort to get along with a non resident DC. I hope EX has taken on board the contents of DD3's letter and will do something positive.

I hope EX has taken on board the contents of DD3's letter and will do something positive

Yes, that's a point, has he actually mentioned the letter?

I am so not coherent today, apologies if this reads horrifically. Damn painkillers. We've emailed him, DD basically has two requests for future contact weekends, which we've laid out. She wants a fixed weekend activity arrangement solution (in her words, DSS1 laying into her about it is not a solution) and she wants a fixed sleeping space with an area for "her" stuff. She is not fussed about where this is, but wants a fixed plan as to where she sleeps. I think that's pretty fair.

I also offered up contact this afternoon, but apparently they are having a family meeting to discuss how to accommodate dd's bed request, so will not be available. This makes me think DSD1 is preparing to go to war, so I imagine they are not having the best weekend.

He hasn't mentioned the letter, no. I would hope the fact that he seems to be backing down means he's taken it on board, although F is going to kick up a fuss about the bedroom arrangements I suspect because DSD1 is a gift from God. I will be very, very interested to see what they decide on.

I also offered up contact this afternoon, but apparently they are having a family meeting to discuss how to accommodate dd's bed request

Ok so it is pretty clear then that your dd does not come under the title of family then.

I thought that :( mine isn't family, she's the accident that isn't particularly convenient but F decided she wanted to play happy families with 5 years ago.

The obvious solution for right now is to swap over DSD1 and DSD2. But there is no way DSD1 will take that without a fight.

Tbh, looking at it as an outsider, the best solution for now would be that DD does not have overnights with her dad but has more daytime contact with him.

They are genuinely struggling to accommodate her physically (because of their own issues) the arrangement doesn't work because of her activity which clashes with the one DSS wants to do, and she isn't feeling particularly welcome.

Surely the solution is that he sees her in the daytime - maybe does something just with her? Or family cinema, restaurant, picnic, day out?

Would this cause you problems OP? Not sure if you have an exciting secret lover you whisk in for overnights when DD is away ??

I wondered about EX seeing DD3 one to one, I bet that has never happened in her life before, always in the chaotic family setting. I'm not surprised she's more bothered about her activity than seeing him.

Lol, I haven't had a secret lover since ex, my romantic life is long dead :(

I would happily stop the overnights. The problem would be he really can't have her more often than weekends, which is why 50/50 is so ridiculous. And they don't exactly do one on one time now because a lot of the time on Saturdays F is out with the girls and the twins and ex has DD and DSS1. If he wanted to make time I would be happy with that, but they are very much a family package in terms of contact. Unless the older DDs have a hobby to get to, of course. If they can't solve the bedroom issue I might suggest it, but I doubt it will go down well. And I can't even complain because ex will point out that I have more siblings than this. Which is ironic, given I had more one on one time with my parents. The simple fact is either he or F doesn't want to make time for it.

So apparently they have a solution, although it is definitely not one I would have thought of

They have discussed it as a family (minus DD, of course). Just to recap, atm they have the three boys in the biggest room other than the master bedroom, DSD1 in the middle room with a trundle bed and DSD2 in the box room.

Apparently, they are going to replace DSD2's bed with one of those high sleeper things with a desk and sofa underneath that folds out into a bed. This will apparently solve the issue of her wanting a quiet space to draw too.

DD is a little at this, as apparently DSD2 has a midsleeper with storage under it at the moment, and she says the room isn't big enough for a separate chest of drawers, shelves etc. But not my problem. We had two teenagers in a box with a wardrobe on the landing for them when I was a kid, I have no issue with two in a box. I am just amazed they have opted for that option and left DSD1 with the middle room all to herself. But then on the other hand, I'm not.

So in theory, it's solved. In reality, if DD is right things might change when they do the measurements, but DD could well have not judged the space well. We'll see.

The activity situation remains unresolved. I have pointed out the lift solution again, ex has apparently decided this is ok, but F isn't happy with imposing on them. DSS1 hasn't even tried this activity yet, so they're going to take him along this weekend and see what happens. I'm hoping he hates it not because I want him to hate it, because if it's F who's causing the fuss she is even harder to negotiate with than ex and I don't have the energy. So kind of a solution, kind of not.

Ok, it's a solution. Of sorts. My DS has one of those high sleepers and the space underneath it is pretty good. The sofa bed is reasonably comfy too, and we've put a couple of little cabinets underneath the desk bit to keep his stuff in. The sofa bed is pretty long when stretched out though, so it depends on what size the box room is-however, that's for them to sort out. As for the activity-so your ex is now agreeable to lifts but F doesn't want to impose?! Sorry, but it's got sweet FA to do with her-she takes her DDs to their own activity and your DD getting collected and dropped off will have zero impact on her. I think you should insist that the lifts happen-say "ok, so Xs parents will collect DD at 9am Saturday" (or whatever) and leave F no room to stick her beak in. How does your DD get on with F, it's difficult to gather. Maybe she doesn't spend much one-to-one time with her?

This is what DD thinks, love, she reckons the box room is smaller than the box at my parents' and if she's right, there is no way there will be room for a sofa bed folded out. But again, their problem! Although I maintain that this proves DSD1 rules the roost.

She doesn't not get on with F, but DD is a very easy-going child and she's spent a LOT of time around adults. F is definitely not her favourite adult, and I do think F struggles with the treating them all the same thing, DD is her only stepchild and she has her EOW, whereas ex lives with her three. But before she went all blended families and supported ex in pushing for custody, my sister and I used to call her the "We hate Gaelic and family club" founding member along with ex MIL, if that tells you anything about her relationship with me. She has never forgiven me for getting maintainance. This only started after he got access. I have one of those jobs that everyone thinks earns a much higher salary than it actually does. F is of the "Gaelic doesn't need it, it could go to our kids together" school of thought.

She sounds lovely! she shouldn't have pushed for contact then, if she didn't want him paying maintenance. And to say you don't need the money is despicable-I bet she gets maintenance for her 3 DC from her ex. She sounds a bit unhinged tbh.

They got EOW access right before F was pregnant with the twins, love. I often wonder if they would have felt so strongly had it been after. I don't know how much she thinks I earn, but I'm willing to bet it's significantly less than the reality. Plus DD gets less if they have another baby. Who is going to have to share with DSD1 now because everywhere else is taken

Oh that doesn't make sense. She thinks I earn a lot more than I do. I make no sense today

Don't worry, I know what you mean, I have a job like that also. Anyway, it wouldn't matter if you did earn what she thinks you do, your ex still needs to pay towards maintaining his child. Those high sleepers aren't cheap, so I wouldn't be surprised if that becomes an issue-although I will be surprised if the fecking thing fits in the room seriously, you may think you can't stand up to your ex or to F, however the last few days you have shown on this thread how you have calmly and consistently gone in to bat for your DD. She's lucky to have you in her corner-and your mum. Here's to strong Irish 🍀 women! hope you feel better and get off those antibiotics soon

Now here's me thinking you were Scots Gaelic!

Do people want to take bets on whether they will measure up for a convertible high sleeper or just buy one and find it doesn't fit?

drspouse not that I know anything about them but I'll take a bet on the latter!

A solution none of them will have considered, is DSD1 goes off to a sleepover every other weekend as she is so fond of them, and DD3 sleeps in her room. Imagine the peace without her kicking off.

I suppose the issue now, assuming the new high sleeper and fold out bed fits in the box room, is whether DSD2 will be kinder to DD3 than DSD1 is.

I agree, it's none of F's business about maintenance for DD3. Although you could calculate what he should pay if DD3 only stays one night/fortnight, and also no overnights. Has the rate changed per night since he started paying, and have his payments upped to reflect this? Then subtract deductions for each other child he has to pay for and see whether he should be paying you more. You could then bargain with him what you would be prepared to accept if he only saw DD for daytime contact with no overnights, or only one overnight/fortnight.

I appreciate that payments would reduce further if they have another child, or more, suppose F has another set of twins? That will really mess everything up.

Oh love you are lovely, thank you.

I really would not put it past them to not measure. I will be asking them if they're sure the bed folds all the way out before next weekend, let's put it like that! DSD2 is less of a spoiled brat used to getting her own way than DSD1, although I do worry giving her the potential to have sleepovers for the first time is dangerous. Although she is a little young to be inviting friends without it going through the parents. If they can't fit the bed I think the only practical solution is that DSD1 and DSD2 swap rooms, but I think hell will freeze over first.

girly I would love to suggest that, but I don't dare

Maintenance has gone down since her started paying, at first he had contact in a centre and it worked up to EOW. He has been promoted since then, but they've also had the twins. So yes, it will go down again if they have another baby. I don't want to make it about money, but if they decide they can't do overnights, I will certainly be raising it.

I totally want them to have another set of twins just to see where they end up putting them to avoid making DSD1 share with anyone. My guess is the coal shed.

Update. I've had an email from Ex.

The bed doesn't fit

Quelle surprise! what are they going to do now?