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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

285 replies

GaelicSiog · 18/04/2017 21:20

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 28/04/2017 18:14

Oh, I wish we had Jayyfa- long story short the activity thing remains unresolved and DSD1 is still kicking up a fuss at sharing a room. But I am very glad you agree with me, this has been going on for over a week now and it's difficult to maintain perspective!

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 28/04/2017 19:53

Gaelic you are such a strong mother, but how on earth do you keep a straight face at all this sh1te

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 28/04/2017 20:38

Mikey I have to admit, I alternate between praying today is going to be the day she decides she's done with him and his family and hoping she stays in contact with her dad forever so I don't lose out on the entertainment value Grin

They're not always this entertaining, but when they are, they take it to a new level.

OP posts:
HanShootsFirst · 01/05/2017 07:44

Have they decided on a room configuration yet OP? (And disassembled and returned the bed they didn't measure Grin?)

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 12:40

Update.

I am fuming at the outcome on DSD2's behalf, but it's a solution. The bed is on the local Facebook selling thing or whatever it's now called. They're assembling a regular bunk bed for, you've guessed it, DSD2's room this weekend, contact is next weekend for DD. I expressed concern that this would leave DSD2 with hardly any space and was this going to be the next issue- at the moment she has a mid sleeper with storage underneath. Apparently she's getting a bedside table and her bookcase will still fit, and they are going to "find space" on the landing for her clothes and other storage that used to be under the bed. Meanwhile, the three boys share, DSD1 keeps a whole full room to herself and they plan DC7 Hmm

DSS1 went to the activity on Saturday and "loved it." So next weekend is going to be fun. Not.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 01/05/2017 14:13

They really are something aren't they

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 14:36

canary, I can only assume they are keeping DSD1's room free so she can share with the new baby Wink

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 01/05/2017 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthel1ght · 01/05/2017 14:44

Jesus Christ they are a nightmare! Your poor Dd

Lovewineandchocs · 01/05/2017 14:44

Oh well, it's a solution, although poor DSD2. Are your DDs friend's parents going to collect her this weekend?

happypoobum · 01/05/2017 14:48

Poor DSD2.

This isn't going to help relations between the DC is it?

Yes what is going to happen with DDs activity and the collection/drop off?

DSD1 sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 15:03

Francis, I LOVE the family meeting idea. As they seem to trump everything Grin

The problem is F's girls go horseriding on Saturday mornings. She can't take them and take DSS1. They are looking at it from a DD's life only exists every other weekend viewpoint, and not a DD is with them every other weekend one.

I'm starting to feel more sorry for DSD2 than I am for DD, in all honesty. At least DD isn't trapped in this madness permanently!

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 15:05

Re what's the plan for Saturday, no idea. Ex is going to get back to me once they've sorted the bed assembling and they can discuss it. I get the impression DSD2 is far from happy.

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 01/05/2017 15:08

Don't send her on Friday night. They can have her after gymnastics on Saturday. She'll end up not going otherwise.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 15:47

This is my gut feeling too. The problem is what happens if he insists he wants her Friday night.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 01/05/2017 16:38

I would let her go this Friday and make clear he has to make arrangements for her to go to activity - either him or the friends offering lift. If he doesn't then the arrangement will have to change with her not staying at his Friday nigh as that is your dd's wish and you can go back to court if he isn't happy

Then the ball is in his court. Her missing you be session won't be the end of the world but will be very telling

happypoobum · 01/05/2017 16:57

Yes I would do the same as Anti suggests. Unless he makes it clear up front that he won't be facilitating her attending.

You can see that in the next few weeks/months DD is going to get fed up with all this and will not want to stay over on Fridays anyway, and of course it will all be your fault OP Sad

HanShootsFirst · 01/05/2017 20:30

If he won't agree to the lift to get her to gymnastics, then don't send her until Saturday afternoon. She's old enough to make these decisions, and she needs to have a parent in her corner which is clearly not him.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 01/05/2017 21:30

It won't be the end of the world, no, but they have a group rehearsal this weekend so her coach will be furious with him (it's not artistic gym). Which might be the kick up the backside he needs, honestly.

I do not see how they are going to function with dc7. At all. Unless DD is dropped for the new baby.

OP posts:
drspouse · 01/05/2017 21:53

I know it's not the done thing on here to say this but I actually don't understand why people continue to have children in this type of circumstance.

FrancisCrawford · 02/05/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 02/05/2017 07:43

Fs position is that her DCs come first and your DD has to know her place.

I get the impression DSD2 is expected to know her place as well.

FrancisCrawford · 02/05/2017 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mikeyssister · 02/05/2017 13:06

This so much reminds me of a family I grew up with.

DD1 had the box room, DS1, DD2, DS2 and DD3 all shared a room, including as adults. Even after she was married DD1 kept the box room Confused

There were no other children though which was a good thing.

The dynamic with your DSD1 will never change Gaelic, she will also rule the roost and your DD will never rank. The only question is how quickly her dad will decide she will not be going to gymnastics while she's with him. He will not advise you in advance, there will be a "justifiable" reason why she couldn't go, and the same will continue to happen unless you stop her staying over on a Friday evening. He will never tell you that she's not going in advance.

girlywhirly · 02/05/2017 13:10

Drspouse, you said what I've been thinking all along. I think it's F's desire to have another baby as the twins are now no longer babies themselves. I suspect she craves the attention she gets while pregnant and when the baby is born, and she can have a swanky new pram. I also suspect the poor little mite will spend much of it's first year in a car seat due to all the ferrying of older kids around.

Yes to not sending DD to theirs until Saturday afternoon. I don't think Ex will kick off that much due to what must already be a strained atmosphere at their home. (After the high bed fiasco)