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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

285 replies

GaelicSiog · 18/04/2017 21:20

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 19:13

More livid at SDD1 than DSS1. That family is bloody confusing.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 22/04/2017 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummytobe11 · 22/04/2017 19:38

I've been following your thread, so glad DD got to do her activity, sounds like your handling it really well.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 19:46

I feel like I'm fixating on the bedrooms, but hear me out. I don't understand their current setup at all. They have 3 rooms for the kids to use. DD13, DD10, DS7, DD7, DS3 and DS3. DD13 is in the second largest of the 3 on her own, DD10 is in the box room and the DSs together in the big room. I'm aware I say this as someone who grew up with that many bedrooms and kids into double digits, but I can't understand why they don't do DS7 in the box room, twins in the middle room, DDs in the big room with extra bed for the older ones sleepovers on the weekends it isn't DD's. Problem solved, surely? I have no issue with 3 in a bedroom, but there is no reason to have 3 in a bedroom more than twice a fortnight Confused

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 22/04/2017 19:47

SDD1 should've been put in the box room years ago. I suspect as she was the eldest when her parents broke up and your DP subsequently appeared she's been pandered to a lot for the sake of peace and quiet.
I knew a family like this, the eldest had a violent temper and as a result was given first pick of everything, made all the rules as it was easier to tell the younger ones to put up and shut up rather than have a screaming match with the eldest.

She should know better, of course she should - but teenagers can be jerks and she's following the example set by her parent and step father who enable it.

"My friend is coming over"
"No she isn't"
Why don't they do that eh!

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 19:51

See I thought about that canary, but if you put the girls in together you don't need 3 boys sharing. I grew up with 10 kids in a 4 bed, I have no sympathy for her Wink

DSD1 has certainly had the worst of it all. "Dad" they have contact with one weekend a month DD thinks is not her father but her father figure since she's been tiny. She's then had ex as live in partner to her mother since DD was born. Now she's a teenager and her parents are planning more babies. Again, I have little sympathy for that as such because I'm the last baby in a huge family, but I don't envy her the circumstances.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 22/04/2017 20:05

No I meant if she really must have a room all to herself (for whatever guilt reasons they have for pandering to her) she should have the box. The second dd can have the second room to share with your Dd for this infamous 50/50 he's so gonna go for ;)

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 20:11

canary, the tremors would be detected in China if that was proposed Grin how they are going to work it with DC 7 is anyone's guess.

I had to share with my two much older sisters as a child. I'm sure they hated it at times, but they never tried to kick me out.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 22/04/2017 20:15

Same here it was just something you got on with but sure they do that with the sons and they just have to put up with it eh

Reading again I'm wondering does your X not actually want to bring Step son to the activity and using your DD as an excuse?

Anyway I hope your DD is ok after all the drama

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 21:14

Oh, DD is fine. I think she'd pick an afternoon with my friend over an afternoon with ex anyway Wink I am worried though she won't want to go next contact weekend unless F's resolved. Need to work out what I'm saying to ex.

This is why the first time I met SDD1 still comes up whenever this stuff happens. Not because I think she decided to be an awkward madam that day but because she's always been an awkward madam.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 21:16

It's resolved. Not F.

It's interesting you say that about ex not wanting to take him, I hadn't thought of that. It is a lot of driving. I am convinced F is behind this even more now, today's nastiness has her stirring written all over it. But again, I don't blame DSS1 completely because this is what happens when the father of one newborn brings up another newborn and expects them to get how to deal with each other.

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 22/04/2017 21:29

I'm glad your DD is ok. Yes, DSS1 sounds like he was being a brat, but this seems to have all the hallmarks of F stirring. The thing is, there is no need for any of this to happen-you offered a perfectly reasonable solution, I.e friend's parents giving lifts. Your ex wouldn't allow this due to his ego-therefore this whole mess is his fault. It infuriates me just writing that-hate awkwardness just for the sake of it-so I can only imagine how you must feel having to deal with him regularly. In the meantime, does F like cake? There's a rather good pic on another thread this evening which you would probably enjoy sending to her Grin not really but it's a nice thought

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 21:54

F has been stirring since she sent SDD1 with ex on that hospital visit I keep banging on about. I am still not over it. she might even have been stirring when ex and I were still together, I don't know. Ex can be a bit rubbish, but this is the level of contempt he usually shows for me, not DD.

I want to ask for a clear explanation of what happened this weekend and how they will be preventing this in future. Does that sound too confrontational?

Oh which thread love? I'm tempted already Grin

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 22/04/2017 22:04

Sorry not sure how to link on phone but it's called "AIBU to ask her to clean up the fucking cake?" Grin Cake

Lovewineandchocs · 22/04/2017 22:05

Oh, and asking for a clear explanation is not too confrontational, it's the least you and your DD deserve.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 22/04/2017 22:27

Found it, love Grin did I mention I'm not sure if I'm more scared of ex or F? Shock Grin

I have no idea what is going on with this activity now Confused but either way the sleepovers need to stop. It's obvious she's doing it to be mean to DD. She's a teen. DD is 7.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 22/04/2017 22:54

You have no reason to be scared of either your ex or F. You are in a better position than you think (DD doesn't really want to go; she doesn't have a space there, so she's a second class child in the house; they want to giver away her activity time to another child, etc) and you have your DD's interests to fight for.

Continue to keep a record of everything. And record any interactions with either of them.

Lovewineandchocs · 22/04/2017 22:56

It's really nasty of her. F and your ex should be making it clear to her that she isn't to have sleepovers on your DDs weekends. And letting DSS1 have a sleepover, to "make up" for being "deprived" of his activity, to your DDs detriment, is just beyond shite. The good thing about e-mail is that you can set everything out clearly and re-read before sending (or run it by us Grin) to make sure you've got all your points in. The important thing here is that your DD knows she will still be doing the activity no matter what and that you will make that happen. If she ends up not staying there on Friday nights any more then she will undoubtedly be happier, she will be sharing a room only one night every other weekend. F sounds like a cast-iron bitch, BTW Sad

Cuppaoftea · 22/04/2017 23:00

You have every right to feel furious on your DDs behalf but I'd try and keep your email brief Op. I'd firstly raise the need to make a firm arrangement before his next contact weekend regarding DDs Saturday morning activity. You could again ask if he is agreeable to the friend assisting with lifts.

The second point is obviously sleeping arrangements. I would keep it to mentioning how upset DD was when you picked her up after she asked to come home early and request he ensure there is a more permanent sleeping arrangement in place for DD when she stays overnight with them.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 23/04/2017 08:50

DD has just informed me that before I emerged this morning she had an iMessage from ex (iPod, she doesn't have a phone, I refuse to give a 7 year old a phone) asking if she wanted to go to church with them this morning. DD said no Grin

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 23/04/2017 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 23/04/2017 09:01

Oh, she does francis- her grandmother, her aunts and one of my friends particularly are great at standing up to him. I'm not great at that!

The obvious flaw to that plan is he can't just arrange to come get her, I need to get her somewhere, and I can't see why I should. He had her this weekend, he created a situation in which she came back early. Not my problem.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 23/04/2017 09:07

Ha I wonder what he'd have done if she'd actually said "oh yea I'd love to go to that "

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 23/04/2017 09:09

I wondered if had she said yes he would have asked her for the address. Ex is not allowed our address and DD knows why. But I can see him thinking of it as a clever way around it. She gave it to him, he didn't ask or something Hmm but I could be totally wrong, usually things like this I would drop her somewhere.

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 23/04/2017 09:13

Would she normally attend church with them on a Sunday? Fully understand her not wanting to and I agree it's good she's felt able to speak up for what she wants this week but if she normally spends Sunday with her Dad I wonder whether it's best to encourage her to have some daytime contact (if he's offering to come and pick her up).

You needed to keep her with you Friday to ensure she got to her activity and the games he/his Wife played with DDs and their Son's activity followed by them yet again not arranging a firm sleeping arrangement for DD caused the issues yesterday. But you don't want to give him the opportunity to argue you're not encouraging his contact with her at all.