Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

What happens when ds1 has contact with his dad? Will ds1 be attending his new hobby, or will it be skipped?

Dd3 has been attending her activity for 4 years, presumably regularly (usual illness etc aside), so not a small commitment.

L has offered 2 good alternatives to R, who is being unreasonable in insisting it is his way (which impacts negatively on dd3) or no way.

I can understand that R doesn't want to lose Friday afternoon/overnight with dd3, but in that case, he needs to do the running around.

How about, instead of L having to be taxi and collect/drop off dd3, R does the running around - so dd3 goes to R as usual, R drops off with L on Saturday morning before taking ds1 to activity, then picks up dd3 after activity (or L drops off with F if better suited)?

Dd3 gets to continue her activity. Ds 1 gets his activity. R loses next to no time with dd3, as he wouldn't see her while at activity anyway. L isn't anymore inconvenienced than she offered (since she offered to keep dd3 Friday night/Saturday morning, so R not presuming she will drop everything), and not used as a taxi service.

Surely a win all round?

Although agree, R needs to examine his relationship with dd3, and try to ensure she isn't being treated as less a full part of the family just because she is non-resident.

So F thinks her children should attend their events every weekend, but her step daughter should skip every other week? Not reasonable at all.

i'f be pointing out to R that it's not DD3 who is instigating the slippery slope to lower contact, it's F if she thinks DD3 should come second fiddle to her three (who already have R full time) each time.

Also what "meaningful contact" is he going to have with DD3 if she has to be sat in the car for 45 mins each way to the DS's event whilst being upset that she's missing her own.

At the very, very most it should be a 6 weekly rota.

Week 1 - all go as DD with you
Week 2 - DD misses out
Week 3 - all go
Week 4 - DS misses out
Week 5 - all go
Week 6 - F's DDs miss out

GaelicSiog I think we knew you were L!

But it did not affect my answer!

R is the one being totally unreasonable. DD3 is understandably put out and as a parent and stepparent, I would struggle to take my stepchild to an activity because it's own parents can't whilst my child misses out.

I think lalalalyra's suggestion sounds fairest but would require a lot of communication/coordination.

So his the resident dc should be able to attend activities every week but nr dd should just suck it up that her father is putting his stepson before her.

Op you need to tell him straight. Either he takes her or she stays with you till after. Stupid idiot.

why are they forcing the contact to the detriment of DD3 - is it to do with money? I suspect about 30% generally upset at my solution (one less overnight EOW) 30% they'd have to pay more maintainance if they have her less (although that really isn't top of my priority list here) and 40% just to be fecking awkward.

F's kids have contact with their dad every month Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. So doesn't affect F's kids doing Saturday morning activities. All the kids are there every Saturday morning apart from DD3, who is there EOW.

Phone has stopped letting me copy and paste. Pandas I would be happy with your solution, my job means I have to work some weekends which I usually try to time so they're contact weekends, but for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping DD3 I would do that. Ex doesn't want to have to drive over to mine, which is half an hour away in the opposite direction to DS1's new activity. I am not compromising on both. Either I take her from mine in the morning and he picks her up or the other way round. He doesn't get both.

The joke is he makes a big thing in his family about how DD excels at this activity... Which she won't if she doesn't go to the sessions.

DD would rather less contact, more activity. I do comps. Not that many a year, but if it falls on his weekend, he won't have her that weekend. It doesn't fit into their family routine. The options were the arrangement we have now or she wouldn't be allowed to commit to the comps.

I agree Lala's solution is the fairest. The problem is there is no way F will go for that, and DD's coaches would still take issue with missing every third week. We could come up with some arrangement for DD's weeks but that will be seen as DD being given preferential treatment.

it's every 6 weeks

Francis but F can't take her DDs and her DS to different places. That's her argument.

DS1 is F's from her previous relationship. She's not ex's. Ex's kids are DD3 (my DD) and DTSs with F. Sorry, it's confusing.

Oh, sorry, brain not in gear every 6 weeks might be negotiable with coaches. If ex and F would go for that. I agree it's the fairest solution. Unfortunately, the last few years have proven that doesn't always fly with them.

how was contact agreed?

could he have a different afternoon with her than the friday? F is being incredibly selfish

How can R not see that his own DD will feel second best to his stepson?

She'll be so very happy watching her step siblings at their activities whilst missing hers and the opportunity to do competitions.

Could her dad keep her on Sunday night and drop to school on Monday morning, so he gets same contact time?

Contact was agreed in court- that's a whole nother thread. He gets her Friday evening-Sunday evening. Week nights wouldn't work because of his work and the distance.

It's a case of too many DCs across 2/3 blended families really. I know that sounds terrible, but what's going to happen when the DTSs are older and want to do similar stuff I really don't know. For now the solution is DD gets to sit in the car for 45 mins each way every Saturday if they get their way. Apparently I'm being unfair because she could choose to go with F instead.

F does the school run for her DCs. I live half an hour from them, DD goes to school here. Wouldn't work, unfortunately.

Surely, between F and R, one of them could manage to drop dd3 at yours once Saturday morning? That is, if R is actually keen to have dd3 on the Friday Hightower after all (and not just say he is keen, but then not engage in finding a solution a to how it is possible)

If they do that, then all dc get to attend whatever activity they wish, with no compromise from anyone.

What are the activities? Fixed start times (classes), or something with more flexibility (e.g. Playing tennis, where a court could be booked for slightly later)?

Is dd3 able to speak up and state her preference to R?

What is Fs problem with DD3s friend's parents giving lifts?

Grr, autocorrect.

*on Saturday

• Friday night

Sorry, R's problem!

Yes, what's with the 'not comfortable' with friend's parent giving lifts?

Not comfortable with what aspect?

R is.

Presumably F'a ex gets quality time with his children so does dd3 and R.

F's children all get R the rest of the week and their mother so either both parents or two parental figures - dd3 doesn't.

Dd3 feels passionate about this activity, DS doesn't even have one yet.

My senses tell me F is trying to push dd3 out. If R carries on he'll lose the rest of his daughter.

Not withstanding, R should care most of all about his daughters feelings.

Poor dd3 and poor you L - he sounds impossible.

Ok, DD staying Sunday night won't work (or could he drop DD to you early Monday morning rather than school, so he has time to get to work whilst you take DD to school).

The 6-week rotation seems fairest for all DC actually. If he won't go for that, it will show that his stepDC get preferential treatment to his own DD.

I'd bet money on F being the complainer here and R is a wimp who doesn't care enough about his daughter to grow some balls.

I agree that R, and by default his new wife L, is being massively unfair to his daughter.

This is an activity she is committed to, has been committed to for years, excels at, and competes in. R and L need to prioritize getting her there, even if it means daughter doesn't join them EOW until Saturday afternoons. The daughter has already lost so much, really. It would be cruel to make her give this up, too.

Ironically, I've always suspected F was a big driving force behind ex deciding he wanted contact. But that was before they had DTSs, who are their only kids together.

I will suggest the 6 week rotation. I doubt they'll go for it, because God forbid anything upset DD1 and DD2. But worth a try. The big question is what I do about this weekend if they say no.