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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

285 replies

GaelicSiog · 18/04/2017 21:20

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 27/04/2017 21:48

The bed doesn't fit.

Hilarious.

You knew that, and you've never even seen the room! They are clearly all idiots who live to kowtow to DSD1.

Out of curiosity, have you or DD actually suggested that their two girls swap rooms so DD?

CanaryFish · 27/04/2017 21:51

Was that the whole email?
What's he suggest happens now?

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 27/04/2017 21:56

I've replied and basically just said I only believe overnights should be facilitated if it is in DD's best interests- and believe me, the moment DD says she doesn't want to, that's it as far as I'm concerned, but right now she does- but I do NOT believe it is in DD's best interests for overnights to be stopped because they have nowhere for her to sleep, given there is plenty of space in a room occupied by one child only, who refuses to share.

They are going to discuss again, apparently Hmm realistically, the only options left are DSD1 shares with someone, be it DD or her full sister, or DSD1 goes in the box room.

His response- they are going to discuss as a family. Apparently DSD1 has suggested regularly bunk beds in DSD2's box room. I bet she bloody has Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 27/04/2017 21:59

Haven't told them in so many words, ewe, I don't want to piss him off any more than necessary. But I have indirectly made it perfectly clear she is the problem.

And yes, they bought it and attempted to assemble it.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 27/04/2017 22:05

If DSD1 has any sense she'll take sharing with your Dd every other weekend rather than her sister every day. she won't tho because her mother and step dad have pandered to her thus far. Really she should be given the box.
Ugh.

HanShootsFirst · 27/04/2017 22:16

They bought the bed and started assembling it without measuring? Priceless. Grin

drspouse · 27/04/2017 22:32

Ha ha, I win!
Would your DD be OK sharing with this stroppy teen who's used to getting her own way? She sounds like a really bad roommate.

Lovewineandchocs · 27/04/2017 22:59

FFS, how many more 'family' discussions are they going to have?! And I'd love to know what they are going to do with the bed, my DS' highsleeper cost £800! How stupid of them to buy it without taking measurements first Grin

TheAntiBoop · 27/04/2017 23:00

Well it will fit in dd1's room!

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 27/04/2017 23:30

Yes Han. Yes they did Confused

DrSpouse are they that predictable Grin what would you like your prize to be, a brand new high sleeper? Wink

Ex suggested that. DSD1 said no, and they should get regular bunk beds for DSD2. There will be no space for anything else in her room with regular bunk beds. That was the appeal of the high sleeper.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 27/04/2017 23:30

love I wish I knew how much of it they assembled before they realised.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 27/04/2017 23:31

DD is used to sharing with DSD1 at this point, she's always shared with her. Until the sleepovers started Hmm

OP posts:
RhodaBorrocks · 28/04/2017 00:17

Well I've just sat and read this whole thing. This is the thread that keeps on giving, isn't it? Grin

To be honest, they sound like a bunch of knobbers.

NightCzar · 28/04/2017 05:28

You have to give them a tiny bit of credit for getting onto it so quickly. Or not.

NightWanderer · 28/04/2017 05:56

Wow! Who could have possibly predicted the bed wouldn't fit?

FrancisCrawford · 28/04/2017 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 28/04/2017 09:42

Francis I asked him about that. He said he meant the "resident children." Hmm Now obviously they are there either full time or more or less full time and so of course they're not going to allocate DD a room to herself, that would be madness. But that doesn't mean they can't all discuss the solution.

Rhoda Grin he wasn't like this when I got with him, honest.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 28/04/2017 10:55

That's hysterical.

Who actually goes to the bother of ordering, buying and putting up a bed, without actually checking that it fits although of course it will fit, just not in the bedroom that they want it too. They sound like absolute eejits.

Tanaqui · 28/04/2017 11:21

They are being ridiculous- I do feel sorry for dd1 (biodad not her actual biodad did you say?, and it sounds like she has had a lot of disruption in her life- and if she thinks of your ex as a father figure, she may be jealous of your dd, or worried he might start treating her like he does your dd), but ffs, put her in the small room and dd2 and dd3 share! Why they ever thought putting a 7 yr old in with a teen was a good idea is beyond me- even the nicest teen might not want a basically unrelated child in when dealing with boobs and periods! Your dd is lucky to have you- hope it all gets sorted.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 28/04/2017 13:27

I think there is a large element of it "had" to fit, if you get my drift!

The problem is that although the actual bed frame fits in the room, the sofa bed bit doesn't fold out, it only fits as a sofa. I imagine they didn't bother checking that until late into the process. So in theory, DSD2 could keep it. It just will be a sofa, not a sofa bed. But yes, the obvious solution is to put it in DSD1's room.

I'm not entirely sure re DSD1. I had always assumed F's older three were all from the same relationship since the three of them have contact with her ex- the one she left for my ex. But DD seems to think he's DSD2 and DSS1's dad and DSD1's "stepdad." I do feel sorry for her if that's the case, and I do think it would explain why she's been pandered to so to speak. F's kids certainly do have a close relationship with ex.

I do get the point about a teen sharing with a 7 year old. I'm the youngest in my family and shared with my two much older sisters with no problems, but it possibly does make a difference that they were my full sisters and my brothers all had to share too. Apparently the room swap has been suggested, but F has rejected it because DSD1 has more stuff. Probably because her sister is in the box room!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 28/04/2017 13:42

Of course, buying just a high sleeper isn't without risk. Some are higher than others, and if bedrooms have lower than usual ceilings, there won't be enough head space to even sit up or crawl on and off!

Seriously, they do sound dim. They are wasting time with family discussions when solutions are staring them in the face. But no-one seems able to stand up to DSD1. They ought to present two options, either she swaps rooms voluntarily with DSD2 (in which case she gets that room to herself and doesn't need to share with DD3; or if she doesn't there will be no more friends to sleep over at all. (Or the third option is she stays at a friends once a fortnight, I'm sure F must be owed a few by the other girls parents.) A radical option four would be to wait until she had gone to school and swap the rooms over as a fait accompli which would be guaranteed to cause WW3. I wouldn't do this to a child unless they were warned it would happen and they continued to be defiant and disobedient.

FrancisCrawford · 28/04/2017 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 28/04/2017 14:45

Oh, I know Francis. I don't think family discussions are happening at all, to be entirely honest. The three boys already share, so they're out. DSD2 can't share now unless they put regular bunks in there, which would mean no room for anything else. I'm convinced even they are intelligent to realise the only "discussion" to be had is whether DSD1 wants to swap or share, but that child is used to being the family princess.

OP posts:
Jayyfa · 28/04/2017 15:09

Read all through it.

R chose to become parent.

DD3 has long standing arrangement, is already upset about missing competitions, already feels as though her needs being set aside in favour of another child. She is not being unreasonable.

Shortened contact hours feels 'unfair' to R but, come on, if that is what it would take to show that R is considering his daughter's feelings and respects her commitment to her activity, then he should do it as it will actually benefit the relationship longer term as long as properly explained.

Children aren't property like video game that you can demand an allotted time with - they're people you try to build relationships with.

Jayyfa · 28/04/2017 15:13

Sorry - when I said I read all through it I mean the first post! Didn't clock that another 10 pages of thread opened up...you've probably gone way beyond that question!

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