Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

Poor you - and poor all those kids- doesn't sound like any of them have had an easy time except maybe the twins!

How did he get away with saying you had hidden the baby from him if he visited you in hospital with his new stepdaughter (and I do feel sorry for her to- presumably she hardly knew him then, and not only did she get a new brother, she seems to have lost her dad and got a step dad and step sister all at once!).

Hope it all goes smoothly for you.

So I've caused a right drama

Picked DD up early as arranged. F called just as I got through the door. I answered, ready to tell her I wasn't speaking to her and she should get ex to text.

F says she's at the activity venue and she can't see DD.

The cunt has either not checked his emails or didn't let her know they're getting DD tomorrow. She drove all the way over there

what did she say?

She said "oh for fuck's sake, he knows I've got the kids with me."

I said I'd let her go as I expected she'd like to call ex

Sucks to be him!

It will all be your fault just you wait and see.

Thank god for the fajitas!

I can only assume he logged out his emails to go unreachable and piss me off, not for the first time, before I sent him my latest email saying I would pick her up tonight.

Oh, I know, happy. but right now it's the funniest thing ever

He will have read your emails, he's playing games and won't have thought of you picking her up early.

You emailed repeatedly, posted DD's letter, your Mum spoke to his Wife on the phone. His Wife has only him to blame and if they try and turn it round on you you have the paper trail. He only needed to confirm DDs friends Mum could pick her up Saturday really. One line email reply.

You've done the right thing keeping your DD with you tonight, he never had any intention of taking her tomorrow morning did he.

Hmmmm, thinking about it, if he had read the email and knew you would be there to collect DD, he actually set you and F up to have a barney in front of DD

Nice.

You must be so glad you collected her early.

By the way - not saying that you would have behaved badly in front of DD - just that it would have created a horrible situation that could lead to conflict......

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. He does have form for going off the grid, usually when I want to negotiate with him over this kind of thing. Although this is also believable. I used to be terrified of ex (still am a bit) but my god can that woman compete with him. Although I am no good in a confrontation, I would have cried. DD's coach on the other hand is terrifying. F would not come out of a confrontation with DD's coach well

But yes, now you mention that I am very glad I got her early!

All you ever need to say to his Wife in that situation is 'Could you please ask Ex to email me as he repeatedly hasn't responded and I can only discuss this directly with him' or words to that effect. And leave with DD.

DD's coach is good at keeping parents in line as well as the kids then

Ohhhhhh up, of course! Can you explain choice parenting? What happens if it's something they have to do? It's worth pointing out mine is very strong willed

Sorry, wrong thread I keep doing this today. I do have an update for this thread but got in a muddle, I will be back

He called about half an hour ago. I rejected the call a few times, he's now emailed. To the point, he'll be getting DD tomorrow. I'm tempted to ask my mam to take her in case he shows early, because I am a wimp :( although early would of course interfere with DSS1's activity.

I would ask your mam, no point in seeing him if you don't need to.

I'm glad you've got her tonight and she's going to her activity tomorrow morning.

I do think you need to stand firm with him, even though you're afraid of him. Take your mam with you, instead of just sending her. Or make sure there are people around. And keep reminding yourself he can't actually do anything to you, and if he kicks off, there will be witnesses and it will be used against him. And keep your phone in your pocket with a voice recorder app turned on! You can tape any conversations you have with him. YOu don't have to tell him you're doing so.

If your child really wants to do some activity, and you can afford it, you facilitate it. That's what a parent is meant to do. Any parent not doing that (R?, I couldn't be bothered with all the algebra) is being a tosser. She'll resent him if he doesnt.

P.s. Is it gymnastics?

Yeah OP confirmed that. Hope DD enjoys it!

Well, she's back.

My mam came over this morning and we took her to her session early, all fine. Had a text from Ex after to say he'd collected her.

DD then sent me a message from her iPod this afternoon saying she wanted to come home. Texted ex to ask if she was ok.

Apparently, they didn't take DSS1 to try his activity this morning and told him it was because of DD they would have been able to get back over to collect her no problem, so goodness knows why. DD seems to think they're sticking with her activity, although I think this may be a little optimistic. But anyway, so DSS1 has basically spent the whole afternoon making digs at DD. DSS1 is having a sleepover tonight in the living room with his friend, which I think was a trade off for losing the activity. So F and ex were working on the basis that DD was sleeping in with SDD1. SDD1 knew this. She then announced her friend was also coming over for a sleepover, she pulls this stunt quite often. Means she doesn't have to share with a 7 year old. So Ex and F said DD would have to go in with DSS2 and DSS3. I don't think DD was opposed to that as such, she was just fed up of the whole thing at that point and messaged me to say she wanted to come home. Ex didn't tell me this, just said she was unhappy with sharing a room with the twins. So I said if DD wanted to come home I was coming to get her and that was that. My wonderful friend and I were out together for the afternoon and she dropped everything and came with me to get her because I thought he was going to kick off. she lets him get away with nothing Actually he didn't object, he did admit when we turned up that DSS1 was being a brat. Which is pretty rare coming from ex. So friend and I got DD, took her out for the rest of the afternoon and she's not due back there until the weekend after next now. Before which ex will be getting a long, long email from me to work out what he's going to do differently next time so this doesn't happen again.

Oddly enough, 50/50 has not been mentioned today, so that's something.

OP, so sorry to hear that.

And how awful of them to tell your DD that he didn't go to activity BECAUSE of her

Please please do keep noting it all down, and the fact DD asked to come home etc

They really are pathetic aren't they?

I hope your DD is OK OP.

That he didn't put up a fight says it all really. He knows he can't argue with me on this one.

I am more livid at SDD1 than I am at SDD1. SDD1 is a teenager, she is old enough to know better.