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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kick dh out

193 replies

Mrsdropdeadfred · 18/04/2017 10:39

Ok so dh went out last night at 11.30, said he was only going for a few pints and would be back soon so he could still help out with the kids in the morning (36 weeks pregnant and struggling to shift my fat arse at the moment)
To cut a long story short he's still not home. He was out two nights last week so it's not like he's desperate for freedom, he knows this sort of behaviour is a issue for me and it's something we've been arguing about recently. Apparently just because I'm pregnant, tired and insecure he should still be able to do what he wants (his words).
I also found out after some detective work on Facebook that the girl he added a few weeks ago who was 'just someone from work' turns out to be a girl he met at a nightclub.
Right now my head is up my arse, I'm sick of him promising he will change and everytime he goes out it turns into a massive bender. Right now I just want to start packing his shit up for when he eventually crawls back. He can never just have a few pints at the pub and I think what's worse is the lying about him not going out late and now who random girls are Hmm and I've just realised while typing this he's took my card and keys! So that's me and the kids stuck in the house Angry
Sorry for the rambling I'm far too embarrassed to talk to anyone irl about this

OP posts:
elfies · 18/04/2017 11:19

You and the bairns deserve better .
Change the locks and stop the bank card now , before he realises you mean it .
Hugs and good luck x

ohdeaeyme · 18/04/2017 11:20

get rid

PietariKontio · 18/04/2017 11:22

YANBU to kick him out. He'd totally deserve it, you totally deserve better.

Evilstepmum01 · 18/04/2017 11:25

Sorry about your baby OP Flowers

You and your bairns deserve better. I'd kick him out too, especially as its your home. You sound like you've been doing all the hard work anyway, would it make much difference?

Do it, you'll be much happier

Anyone else want to see AF's arse?

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/04/2017 11:28

Glad it's your house. I do think that from what you've said, you'd be better off emotionally, physically and mentally co-parenting rather than being together. And it will teach you DC that respect of partners is important

millyv · 18/04/2017 11:33

Firstly sorry for the loss of your child, I cannot imagine how horrendous that must have been for you.

Secondly please do not take this man back in. It is your home for you and your children to have a safe haven.

Cancel the card with the bank and get them to re-issue, I know lots of banks will let you withdraw cash from machines with a code they send you if you've lost your card - is this an option?

Has he got your car keys or all keys? Change the locks, can you pay be cheque or online banking?

Leave the bags of his belongings at the door step and leave him a message saying that it's over. That way he has time to think about his actions before he gets back to your house.

Can you call anyone to come and sit with you? Flowers

PovertyPain · 18/04/2017 11:38

He's taken the keys so you can't lock him out, so the prick knows how upset you were. He's taken the card so he can clear your account if you do lock him out. Get onto the bank and cancel your card NOW. I wouldn't trust that prick as far as I could throw him. 😡

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 18/04/2017 11:50

And yet you keep having children with him.

Why?

innagazing · 18/04/2017 11:52

Normally, I would probably agree that you should kick him out. But, you've told us you lost your youngest child last April, a year ago. I'm so sorry that this happened to you both, and it must be unbearably painful and still very fresh in your minds.

I would suggest that it's very possible that this could be impacting on your dh's behaviour, especially as it must be around the time of the first anniversary of your baby's death. I expect it's also impacting on your relationship too. Grief can make people behave very destructively and cloud judgements. Such a huge loss for you both is likely to show up any weaknesses in your relationship. The fact that you're expecting another child soon could compound this very sad and complex situation.
I'm inclined to say that you and your husband may be at a crossroads about whether to continue the relationship or not, but that perhaps you should go to counselling together before you make a hasty decision.
I hope things work out well for you.

EweAreHere · 18/04/2017 11:55

I hope you've managed to cancel your card and get the door open, O

Hekabe · 18/04/2017 12:01

Oh my OP... First of all can I say - a massive hats off to you for coping with everything that is on your plate right now! I'm in awe. You super woman.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What an awful thing to bear, however another on the way - you must be feeling all sorts of things. Whilst it's only right for some of the time our partners ( and our selves share the responsibilities and freedoms (i.e. going out) at 36 weeks anything could happen - to not even check it! I'm usually tremendously easy going about these things but he is being a dick, and massively infantile.

Totally agree on not reacting to his behaviour out of immediate anger - cool down. Take a breath. Think about things long term - but I'm inclined to agree that you and your little ones really don't need this. Off with him. He sounds like he's got ussues that he needs to deal with but, sadly - he's not recognising that. Making you feel insecure and lying really f*cks me off too - why do guys do this? What a coward. Tell him you've got an actual baby on the way, you don't need another.

Sending you all the love and strength in the world - and a bloody good birth partner. xx

confusedat23 · 18/04/2017 12:01

What a shitty situation OP!

Fristly I think you do need to kick him out... mainly so the pair of you can have some space and I can't imagine he is much help to you in recent weeks if he is just getting you stressed out and pissed off with his behaviour.

I also have a selfish manchild DH who cannot simply have one drink... but I tell you what since trying to and becoming pregnant he has not let me down like that once! Although I simpathise with you because I know how it feels and I almsot didn't marry him when he did it the night before our wedding!

The thing really ringing bells here is that he took your card and your keys... You need to call your bank and tell them you and your DH recently seperated and to cancel all payments from now onwards on your card, you can withdraw money at the bank if needed. Do you have joint funds to use to cover the shortfall if he has spent all your money? Would you consider calling the police as he has committed fraud if it is not a joint bank account?

Also you need to get a locksmith to change the locks... I would also suggest he stays elsewhere and you do not give him a key until he can be trusted with one.

Is it possible for you to contact citizens advice at all OP?

Forager · 18/04/2017 12:02

You're 36 weeks pregnant and he's meeting women at nightclubs and lying to you about their relationship, and then he stays out all night??

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what he was up to last night.

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/04/2017 12:05

You need this extra stress like a hole in the head. If he wishes to act like a selfish man child then let him get on with it.

No arguments or discussions, he's made his choices let him deal with the fallout.

Concentrate on YOU, your unborn child and DC.

Original poster
Mrsdropdeadfred · 18/04/2017 12:16

The anniversary of youngests death is coming up on the 24th and weve been doing bereavement counselling together. I think I could put it down to that if this hadn't of already been a problem before and if this is how he is dealing with it then I'm sorry he needs to go a deal with it away from me and the kids and realise what he's about to lose.
Just to be clear our relationship seemed pretty solid when we had our first two boys. The drinking and being an arse hole really started when I was pregnant with our third.
I was told after third I'd struggle to conceive and my periods never came back after I stopped breastfeeding my youngest. I'm an idiot I know I should of protected my self even though I thought the risks were low. This pregnany has honestly been both torture and wonderful. I feel very fragile now the birth is getting closer and he knows this and he still causes me all of this added stress.
I feel like I've been so desperate to make this family work I've let so much shit slide. He does quite a bit round the house and for the kids but thats not exactly worthy of a medal and a gold star is it. Hes only took the front door key so we could get out to the back garden if there was an emergency and I've transferred my money to a different account. Now to start packing his shit up and think what to do next.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 18/04/2017 12:16

Jesus H, he's gone on a bender with your money?! I'd be spitting fucking feathers. NO, this is not 'in your heads.

Agree to cancelling card asap, and yes, packing bags also.

(would like to see AFs arse yes, but she's always right, so unlikely)

tabbymog · 18/04/2017 12:19

As said upthread, report your bank card stolen, which it has been. When I had to do that I got my new card in three days, Halifax bank. You can get cash from a branch of your bank if you go with photo ID and address confirmation, like a bank statement or utility bill. I'd report your car keys stolen, too, with those your car will be stolen. Is it your own car? Sending you hugs and best wishes for the future.

mogloveseggs · 18/04/2017 12:21

Flowers he is behaving despicably! Definitely cancel the card and I do think I'd be telling him to never come back.

Ceto · 18/04/2017 12:23

Binbags for his belongings ready for dumping them on the doorstep. If you can, change the locks.

innagazing · 18/04/2017 12:37

I posted earlier..
I'm glad you've already been receiving counselling. He is behaving very badly, and being a complete arse.
After reading your last post, I think my advice would be to get a locksmith out now to change the lock and not let him back in the house for the time being. This will at least give you a breathing space to consider your future, (and find a birthing partner and someone else to look after the kids when you go into labour)
guess you have to then just follow what your head and heart are telling you to do.

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/04/2017 12:43

Fucking hell, lots of good advice but I'm sending you massive ((hugs)) you poor love, what a fucking cunt he is

Original poster
Mrsdropdeadfred · 18/04/2017 12:47

He's just rang, apparently he fell asleep and can't possibly understand why I'm pissed off as it wasn't his fault he passed out and his phone died Hmm Asked him what would he do if I went into labour and his only response was well you didn't told him I've had enough that's when he switched and started banging on about my paranoia and how hes never allowed out and this is all down to my insecurities. Not even a hint of an apology or anything. I've told the kids daddy's at work. His bags are now packed and waiting by the front door

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 18/04/2017 12:49

Fell asleep until nearly lunchtime the following day?! He's a bullshitter and sounds like he's cheating on you.
You're doing the right thing packing his bags. Don't let the fool manipulate you and make you think you're crazy. He's 100% in the wrong

CakeUpWall · 18/04/2017 12:49

What an absolute shit - how could he stoop so low? So sorry for the loss of your baby. You've been through so much, you poor thing. Flowers

Please do not let him back into your life. It will be really tough initially on your own, but in the long run you will be far, far better off in every way.

Thinking of you. Keep strong.

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/04/2017 12:50

I think it's the issue that at 36 weeks, it's not impossible for you to go into early labour and he's actively creating stress for you. That shows to me, that even with the added stress of the anniversary, he's unable to step up to be a good dad to his DC. Glad you're focusing on practicalities. Don't forget to inform the midwife and change birthing plan if you don't want him there.

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