To not want PIL to buy us a v expensive house

[sashimiandsake]

Sorry this is long, don't want to drip feed! Also NC bc of financial info... DP and I are 24 and 23 - we were each other’s first BF/GF when we were 15 to 17 and a year ago we got back together when he moved to London for work (I've been living here since 18 for uni). We've known since we got back together that we would get married someday, but we didn’t think it would be this soon… however, he is European, and we decided to safeguard our future against Brexit. Our wedding is next year, and DP's family are paying for almost everything as they are really quite wealthy and insisted on helping!

Atm we live together in SW London in a lovely Victorian house, sharing with four friends, and we have a healthy savings account due to this, some inheritance and the fact we have reasonable jobs. But now we're getting married we feel we need to leave our houseshare days behind! Our options are:

1. PIL have reached out to our landlord and they would be open to selling to us. Valuations put it at around £1.1 million (eeeeek, crazy money). We'd then use our savings to renovate it as there's a few problems our landlord hasn't dealt with. I ADORE the house and I've lived here for four years so it really feels like home... but it's SO MUCH MONEY to accept from them. We've also never had any handouts from them before.... and now a wedding AND a house in less than a year? My side of the family and friends think I am being ridiculous not to immediately accept. However, I am also a bit worried DP's family would use it to try and control us, as they have form for using money to do so with his two sisters. We've assumed the house would be in our names not theirs but I've realised typing this it's not been clarified...

1. My DF and I own a rental house together in East London (future crossrail area) that we bought from the sale of my DGM's house three years ago. DF has asked if we're sure we don't want to live in it and I could buy him out of his half over time. I don't like the area and wouldn't feel totally happy letting my Dcat out there (I realise I sound mental ). But the house itself is nice and the area is gentrifying.

1. Sell the East London house and buy a flat with a mortgage in our area in SW London (DF happy with selling)

1. Leave London altogether. I grew up in the East Midlands and it's how DP and I met as my DM and his older DSis live in the same village (where we're getting married next year). We could get a little cottage in the village with our savings and have a teeny mortgage. SIL is due her first baby in July so we’d be close for future DN. However, I don't have a driving licence and I felt very isolated most of the time growing up there even though I love visiting now. DP could relocate his job but I'd have to give mine up. But then I could try and start my own interiors business like I've always dreamed of... I'd also still have the East London house (with DF of course!)

AIBU to even consider options 2-4?

I personally totally get where your coming from! We will have similar issues I feel with pil wanting to pay for our wedding although we are happy to do our own.
I know it's a different scenario but being in the same position with two good jobs and a property I can see how you feel.
I'd personally look at options 3/4

It's loads of money. But if they have it and want to help you then I'd take it but ONLY if it was yours and your husband's with no conditions attached. If they use money to manipulate then I'd refuse for sure.

Otherwise sell the house with your dad and use that as a deposit.

I agree with option 3&4 depending upon how much you love your job. Aside from the potential finance control questions you have in option 1, renovating a house is very stressful and it depends how much hassle (it can be a NIGHTMARE) you and your DHtobe can handle.

Clarify the terms of them buying the SW london house. Will the house be in your names as joint owners? Will their son just have it in his name?

You are both young and london is great.

As long as the property is in both your names I'd take it. I wish I was worrying about whether or not to accept a million pounds from someone.

I personally would not move to a remote location if I couldn't drive. What happens to the house if your marriage doesn't work out? Would you be happy to be bought out of the house if your OH's family want to keep it? Will your name be on the deeds? There is no such thing as a "free" lunch so I'd wonder what is the catch? How often will they visit? What is expected in return? Have you got a support network if you decide to have children?

Just check the property will be in your name and no pre nup then do it. Didn't know you could buy a four bed property I SW London for 1.1 mil sounds quite cheap

I'm going to say something controversial.
It's a lot of money - what happens if you get divorced?
Will the house be his? Split 50-50? Or will you get a lesser amount? How will your share of the East London house affect things?

I firmly believe that everyone should protect their financial future, that you should consider & put in place the mechanisms for dealing with what ifs now when you don't think you'll need them & will treat each other fairly.

Could you spend some of your savings on learning to drive?

Getting driving lessons wouldn't be that difficult, so don't rule things out on the basis of not driving.

You are secure where you are.
23/24 is very young to be thinking about settling down.

Some PIL would see paying for your house as carte blanche to tell you how to run your life.

Together these things would make me want to keep hold of my independence at this stage. Your youth is for being young!

don't take the money. you'll never hear the end of it and you'll never feel like your home is your own.

I think accept. There is so much negativity about baby boomers strangling the younger generation- here are some really trying to help. If I were in a position to do this for my DS I would really want to, and would be really disappointed if I couldn't because of his wife's views.

Obviously you need to be sure of what the deal is for you should things not work out.

Fuck - a million quid? Accept it dude. Don't worry about the future. This is a great opportunity, live in the moment. And learn to drive if you want.

Move to East London. I did 20 years ago, along with many other 20 and 30 somethings who couldn't afford West London. My family was very worried at the time. Now they think we made a major investment success. We're still here with DC and they go to a lovely school and have lots of good friends, lots of clubs, opportunities etc... And you're in your 20s and there's a lot of funky things going on here, nightlife, clubs, shops, etc etc...

Good luck anyway...

If you think his parents will try to control you with money think very seriously before agreeing to this. Because even if the property is in J/T with your soon to be DH and his parents have simply handed over the money and they're nowhere on the deeds, there is nothing worse than hearing a continual litany of "We paid for your lovely home and you won't even......", "You know we bought that house for you and we think you should.....", and worse yet "We're so glad we bought you such a big house so we can move in when we can no longer live on our own". Is that really what you want?

Much better to do it on your own. The most I'd allow them to do would be to possibly accept a small loan from his parents as long as I could repay it rapidly.

We have just declined a gift from my PIL in order to buy our 'forever' family home - over the years DH and I have watched my FIL become increasingly controlling over DH's two sisters, who accepted similar help previously. Although we seriously considered accepting, there were just too many conditions. He was coming to view houses with us, and made it clear that the 'gift' would not be forthcoming if we decided to buy a house in a certain area (short commute for us but further away from the rest of the family). We decided to sell our flat and use the equity to fund a deposit for a smallish mortgage to buy our house, and are both happy with the decision. Independence is great.

Where my dh is from it's completely the norm for parents/in laws to buy their children a property when they settled down, or even give them the house they live in and move somewhere smaller. So, I wouldn't necessary worry about their motives, it might be a cultural thing.

Personally, I'd have the contract drawn up already! You could also have the possibility of moving to the other house you own one day, once you see what the area is like after gentrification. You will be in a fortunate position to be able to do the same for any children of your own one day.

It's a tough one. If I was in a position to buy a house for my daughter, I'd be quite upset if she wouldn't accept. What would be the point of her struggling to but if I could help? Anything I have she inherits anyway, if I could make life easier for her before I die, so much the better.

I think sound out their motives. They may just want you to be happy.

MrsTwix I've always fully intended to learn to drive someday. I failed my driving test very very badly at 17 (actually caused someone else to fail theirs as well ) and moved to London shortly afterwards so gave up a little. I've had a couple of lessons here but really didn't get on with the instructor so I'm looking for another one at the moment!

Hmm, i think PIL would be a bit crazy to put the house in your name, as you're not married and so young.

Why don't you let them buy the house for DP and you live there rent free?

I really like the sound of moving to the village and starting own business BUT to me it's more of a move if u want to start your own family in a couple of years

I just wonder what would happen years down the line if you wanted to sell the Victorian house and move away?

I've found many of my friends have moved back nearer "home" once they've had children because it can be very difficult juggling everything if you have no family nearby.

Would your pil expect their money back?

simple solution - they lend you the money, your friends go on living with you and you make repayments out of the rent you get from them. Sell the property you share with your Dad and use the profit as a "deposit" for this property. In a few years hopefully you'll have paid off enough to give up the house sharing. If not you'll have the equity for a bigger property than you could afford now.

It's young to be getting married so I think it's sensible to have a chat about what would happen if you split up. We will be offering to buy our DC houses when they want them and while we will do it without conditions I would not want my child to lose it in any future divorce.

I am not sure how this would work out. I don't know if your partners family will be thinking the same way. If they are then you need to work out how to protect your money and how to ensure that you aren't putting money into a house where you won't be benefitting from any future increase in value.
You will also have to think about how your house that you own with your Dad will be treated if you and your partner split up.

It's much, much better to have all these discussions sooner rather than later. It might be an idea to get professional advice.

BTW Have you posted before? The situation sounds familiar?