To not want PIL to buy us a v expensive house

[sashimiandsake]

Sorry this is long, don't want to drip feed! Also NC bc of financial info... DP and I are 24 and 23 - we were each other’s first BF/GF when we were 15 to 17 and a year ago we got back together when he moved to London for work (I've been living here since 18 for uni). We've known since we got back together that we would get married someday, but we didn’t think it would be this soon… however, he is European, and we decided to safeguard our future against Brexit. Our wedding is next year, and DP's family are paying for almost everything as they are really quite wealthy and insisted on helping!

Atm we live together in SW London in a lovely Victorian house, sharing with four friends, and we have a healthy savings account due to this, some inheritance and the fact we have reasonable jobs. But now we're getting married we feel we need to leave our houseshare days behind! Our options are:

1. PIL have reached out to our landlord and they would be open to selling to us. Valuations put it at around £1.1 million (eeeeek, crazy money). We'd then use our savings to renovate it as there's a few problems our landlord hasn't dealt with. I ADORE the house and I've lived here for four years so it really feels like home... but it's SO MUCH MONEY to accept from them. We've also never had any handouts from them before.... and now a wedding AND a house in less than a year? My side of the family and friends think I am being ridiculous not to immediately accept. However, I am also a bit worried DP's family would use it to try and control us, as they have form for using money to do so with his two sisters. We've assumed the house would be in our names not theirs but I've realised typing this it's not been clarified...

1. My DF and I own a rental house together in East London (future crossrail area) that we bought from the sale of my DGM's house three years ago. DF has asked if we're sure we don't want to live in it and I could buy him out of his half over time. I don't like the area and wouldn't feel totally happy letting my Dcat out there (I realise I sound mental ). But the house itself is nice and the area is gentrifying.

1. Sell the East London house and buy a flat with a mortgage in our area in SW London (DF happy with selling)

1. Leave London altogether. I grew up in the East Midlands and it's how DP and I met as my DM and his older DSis live in the same village (where we're getting married next year). We could get a little cottage in the village with our savings and have a teeny mortgage. SIL is due her first baby in July so we’d be close for future DN. However, I don't have a driving licence and I felt very isolated most of the time growing up there even though I love visiting now. DP could relocate his job but I'd have to give mine up. But then I could try and start my own interiors business like I've always dreamed of... I'd also still have the East London house (with DF of course!)

AIBU to even consider options 2-4?

I'd buy your DF out and live in the East London property for a couple of years. Then you could sell when you want to expand your family and look at either moving to the Midlands with no mortgage or to the 'suburbs' with a small mortgage and a reasonable commute.

IfYouGo DP would like to buy the house we're living in at the moment, but I think that's because he knows how much I love it rather than any strong connection to it himself - he's only lived here six months! He's told me he really likes this part of London (and our local pub, haha) but he's one of those people who could find positives about living in a bin bag. Having said that, when I showed him the house in East London he was a little on the walk from the station (better reaction than I had when I saw the area for the first time though!). He's not exactly used to being subsidised by his parents, but he's not NOT used iyswim.

I know he would love to move back to the Midlands someday - he's told me it's one of the first places he really felt settled as his family moved around a lot when he was young but equally he's satisfied with his career here in London (and he's brought up the fact that there's not as much room for progression in the branch he'd move to), so emotionally he'd like to go but logically he'd like to stay! Most of our friends are in London as well, having moved down after uni, so it won't be the same there as we remember it.

Chavelita That's right, just his say-so for now. We really have to look into it with his parents more. I was very overwhelmed by the idea when they told us and burst into tears so perhaps didn't ask the questions I should have been asking. I know it seems a rather short time frame but I have known - and stayed in contact with both him and his family for eight years. When we told his DM we were back together she said she'd always known it would happen one day!

I think you should take the offer. And try to keep the flat. You are very young to be considering moving out of london and limiting your career progression. You dont have to stay in the house forever. But having it might give you more options.

I also dont think telling their dauhjter she has to stick it out at her prestigious university was a Bad thing! Lots of peopel drop out of uni and they get homesick and not used to doing for themsves. Remember the first days of uni when the dean would say, 'look to your left, look to your right, one of those people will not be there at graduation.' Very true at my uni! Bit of tough love and she is now close to finishing and has met friends and is happy. That degree will set her up for a great start in her future.

I'd further explore option 1. It may not be all menacing... as a parent myself I hope I'd be in a similar position in future where I can help my children out this way.

My cousin has a similar arrangement with his parents when he got married. They bought him and his wife their current house with the understanding that if they were to split up, they would only be able to split up the profits of selling the house after returning his parents the original cost price. It's drawn up by my uncle's lawyer.

Learn to drive, go for option 4 and start your business. If you have children in the future then having family nearby could be invaluable. If things don't work out in that area you still have the house in East London and could move back to the city.

I also dont think telling their dauhjter she has to stick it out at her prestigious university was a Bad thing!

Of course it wasn't but trying to blackmail her into staying by saying they would refuse to pay her flight home and that they wouldn't let her home was nasty and very controlling.

I think it's crazy to do anything so rash after only a year of dating especially at your age. It's way too much way too soon. One year is nothing even if you dated when you were young and kept in touch. What's the rush?

Wow. They have £1.1m to GIVE?????

My daughter's parents won't even buy her a Xmas or bday pressie! Or even visit her!!

I personally would get a mortgage somewhere. I don't mind to be the pessimistic one but if they bought this house would your name be on the deeds? What would happen should you (god forbid) divorce in the future?

I absolutely wouldn´t take the money. I just don´t believe that they will give you a million pound house with no strings attached. They would have to be fools to do so and people who can buy their offspring million pound houses in London are not fools when it comes to financial dealings. I think you will come to regret that you took the house and money at a later date.

Start off in life with what you can afford together, and build up to the nice house and fine lifestyle. I´d go for option 2-3 for now, and then maybe go for option 4 some years from now. You are still both young and have your lives ahead of you. You don´t need to have everything clear right now.

My perspective - I'm a few years older than you, also have 'lucrative in the future' professional London job. My parents have nothing to give, but would want to. DPs parents are wealthy, and in the future may well also offer to buy (or build) us a house. We're in Surrey but it's not much cheaper than London were we live. I also live in a lovely rented Victorian house I'd love to buy if it was offered to me! FWIW DPs dad paid all the rent upfront, deposit and fees when we moved in, to the tune of several thousands.

If DPs parents offered to buy this house for us, I'd take it in a second, but only on the condition it was in our names and we were full, equal earners. I have much higher earning potential than DP over the next few years at least, if not always, and I think we're rock solid, but I would also want to protect myself should something happen.

London is fun, and the majority of jobs and prospects are there. I wouldn't move back to the East Midlands at this stage in your lives or careers. The chance to keep living in London without paying rent/mortgage would enable you to spend your twenties making the career choices that are best for you rather than the one that pay what you need. Make sure the house is bought in your name, and have a clear plan for what happens if you do choose to later move from that house and any money left from the sale of it. Negotiate a long notice period with your friends, so they don't feel rushed out.

I should add I know my PILs well enough that there would be no strings in a similar situation, but your PILs are not mine.

That should be equal owners, not earners* sorry I've had a wine

I just don´t believe that they will give you a million pound house with no strings attached. They would have to be fools to do so and people who can buy their offspring million pound houses in London are not fools when it comes to financial dealings

Very much agree with this ^^

Another thought, given that many feel current London prices are beyond ridiculous ... what happens if they fall and the house becomes worth less? On the face of it that wouldn't matter if you were mortgage free, but what might the implications be if you divorced and PIL's wanted "your half" of their cash back?

I don't see the problem with accepting. I don't think the example you gave is one of PIL using money to manipulate your DP's sister. It's an example of parents saying they would only pay for a university they approve of. Not great behaviour, but not the same as using the fact that they had paid for something to get her to do what they want. And telling her to stay in Harvard rather drop out after the first year and go to Strasbourg III or whatever is typical French parenting and probably not bad advice.

I'm also not getting the angst about divorce. Even if the parents insist on buying the house in the son's sole name or keeping it in their name, the OP will still be better off through having saved on rent and mortgage payments.

longlostpal Accepting money from others can sometimes come with a very wide range of totally unexpected and miserable consequences - the kind that can break a marriage back up. We've all seen enough IL posts to know that that particular relationship can be fraught anyway. This may be an exception and it may all be perfectly smooth, but better to proceed slowly.

Regarding the angst about divorce, one possible way that she might lose out is in sinking thousands into repairing this house. If they split, she won't get that back. True, she won't have paid rent/mortgage, but neither will the DH-to-be, and he'll likely get to walk away with a nicely fixed house, whilst she would walk away with nothing of that investment. If both their names are to be on the paperwork, I would again want to know what the ILs would think in the event of a divorce. Would they be happy for her to leave with half the value of the house? I bet not.

For all these reasons and more, OP should think things through really very carefully and get some external, objective, professional advice.

Are they really talking about buying DP a £1m house outright, or just giving him the deposit for it? Who would pay for the renovations?

Assuming english divorce law would apply, buying a property outright and putting you as joint owner sees odd, unless they have money to burn. Most people with that kind of money would take legal advice on keeping money/assets in the family in case of divorce.

With potential in laws like this it's important to understand your DP's attitudes and work out if they fit with yours. Eg if he is comfortable taking financial handouts and having them interfere and you're not, that could cause conflict.

Well, yeah, I'd agree that she shouldn't spend thousands on the house if she's not on the deeds, without some kind of agreement as to her beneficial interest. Not sure that she should refuse the money on the assumption that she will have to spend thousands on it and will be unable to get such an agreement.

If they convey the house to the OP and her DP as a gift to them both, I don't see how the DP would be able to argue on divorce that the intent was for the OP to hold her half on trust for him or something. I mean, maybe the OP should seek legal advice on that point, but I personally can't see how it would work.

Agree there may be an attempt to control etc on the part of the in laws. On the other hand, I do think that some parents do just want to help their kids out.

I want to be able to offer both my sons this kind of assistance when they're old enough. However I'd be looking for some kind of legal agreement of what happens in the case of a split - particularly on the back of the marrying well thread! I certainly wouldn't want half a million to walk out of the family but at the same time, I would want the gf's contributions in terms of renovation investment to be protected for her.

I am not a controlling narc though so it wouldn't come with any strings at all aside from the above. I don't know the ops in laws so can't say if it would be the same for them!

It may make a lot of sense from an inheritance tax perspective to give you the house now. If they are very wealthy they will have considered this, I would accept.

Mmm I think you and your DP are being quite naive. His parents didn't make their millions by being overly generous or stuipid. There is no way on earth they will risk their sons GF of 12 months potentially walking away with £600k of their money. Make sure you're fully lawyered up before you accept this deal or sell your East London property.

Personally I'd want to start married life on my own two feet. I'd move to the East London house especially as that's become the most interesting part of London anyway. That house may end up being a very shrewd investment. You know you have DPs parents as a safety net so you have nothing to lose.

I would accept the offer providing your name was on the deeds and you were protected. Having said that, you are both so young, why not continue to rent to your friends and use that money to fund the renovations. Do they really have to move out because you have decided to get married. The thought of being mortgage/rent free in London with all it has to offer would be so much fun. Enjoy yourselves, travel.

As someone earlier posted house prices in SW London are nuts and rise like sweaty dough. Within a few years after renovations if you decide to start a family and move back could you not make a gesture to pay back some of the increased value.

If the PIL live abroad, it's not as if they will be letting themselves in or peering through the windows on a regular basis. They clearly adore you, and I think it is a lovely gesture that I would love to do for my children in the future.

I wouldn't do it, and having been in a similar position to you, we said no thanks each time. First, we turned down the offer for them to pay for the wedding. Thank goodness too when i look at how controlling they tried to get with us, and succeeded in being controlling with poor dsil when she got married. Then we turned down house deposit help (no way did i want them to think they had a vested interest in the house, especially as dmil has strong opinions on decorations) then we turned down school fees help (didn't want our dcs under any pressure down the line) and then finally we turned down cash not dissimilar to the amounts you're talking about. I love them to bits but I sleep better at night knowing that we can live our lives exactly as we want to, free from interference from well meaning parents. I would think long and hard before you go with option 1.

An old uni friend of mine has just been bought a humongous house by her parents, a similar kind of value to yours.

I was almost jealous for a minute, but then I saw how much her parents were running the show and I have to say, I wouldn't want the house if that was the only way to get it.

All through the house hunting and various stages of the purchase it was 'we have to get such-and-such survey because my dad says so', 'we might do such-and-such but I need to see what my dad thinks', 'if such-and-such doesn't get resolved soon then my dad might pull the plug...' and so on.

She will never be able to do any kind of serious work on the house without running it past her dad first. We are both in our thirties and I just can't imagine my parents having so much influence over my life. Of course, she gets a beautiful home out of it and maybe that's worth it to her, but personally I'd rather scrimp and save for my own tiny home that I could be totally free to do whatever I wanted in!