To not want PIL to buy us a v expensive house

[sashimiandsake]

Sorry this is long, don't want to drip feed! Also NC bc of financial info... DP and I are 24 and 23 - we were each other’s first BF/GF when we were 15 to 17 and a year ago we got back together when he moved to London for work (I've been living here since 18 for uni). We've known since we got back together that we would get married someday, but we didn’t think it would be this soon… however, he is European, and we decided to safeguard our future against Brexit. Our wedding is next year, and DP's family are paying for almost everything as they are really quite wealthy and insisted on helping!

Atm we live together in SW London in a lovely Victorian house, sharing with four friends, and we have a healthy savings account due to this, some inheritance and the fact we have reasonable jobs. But now we're getting married we feel we need to leave our houseshare days behind! Our options are:

1. PIL have reached out to our landlord and they would be open to selling to us. Valuations put it at around £1.1 million (eeeeek, crazy money). We'd then use our savings to renovate it as there's a few problems our landlord hasn't dealt with. I ADORE the house and I've lived here for four years so it really feels like home... but it's SO MUCH MONEY to accept from them. We've also never had any handouts from them before.... and now a wedding AND a house in less than a year? My side of the family and friends think I am being ridiculous not to immediately accept. However, I am also a bit worried DP's family would use it to try and control us, as they have form for using money to do so with his two sisters. We've assumed the house would be in our names not theirs but I've realised typing this it's not been clarified...

1. My DF and I own a rental house together in East London (future crossrail area) that we bought from the sale of my DGM's house three years ago. DF has asked if we're sure we don't want to live in it and I could buy him out of his half over time. I don't like the area and wouldn't feel totally happy letting my Dcat out there (I realise I sound mental ). But the house itself is nice and the area is gentrifying.

1. Sell the East London house and buy a flat with a mortgage in our area in SW London (DF happy with selling)

1. Leave London altogether. I grew up in the East Midlands and it's how DP and I met as my DM and his older DSis live in the same village (where we're getting married next year). We could get a little cottage in the village with our savings and have a teeny mortgage. SIL is due her first baby in July so we’d be close for future DN. However, I don't have a driving licence and I felt very isolated most of the time growing up there even though I love visiting now. DP could relocate his job but I'd have to give mine up. But then I could try and start my own interiors business like I've always dreamed of... I'd also still have the East London house (with DF of course!)

AIBU to even consider options 2-4?

Yes let them buy a house for dp and live there rent free. Be wise with the cash you save.

They have form. That's all you need to know.

How have they tried to control the sisters with money?

I'd take up the inlaws' offer. It will be a protection against inheritance tax in the future, and an amazing blessing.

I wouldn't take the money, even if it was put in your names i think it would never truly feel like yours especially as PIL have past form of using money to control other siblings. I'd look at options 3 and 4 and crack on with learning to drive.

You need to know exactly what the deal is with your PIL and what will happen if or when your situation changes.

Is the house going to be in the names of you and your partner? If they decide it should be solely in his name, which with that sort of money could be understandable for a while, then what happens to safeguard the money you are investing in the house?

If you get divorced what happens? That might be clear if it's just in his name, but something else to think about is what happens if he dies? Or if you/he get sick?

How much entitlement will your PIL feel over the house? My PIL paid for our extension, but it was a gift and is no more referred too or lorded over us than the fact they bought me slippers at Christmas. My friend's PIL gave them 5k toward their house about 12 years ago and it is still brought up if they don't want to do something his PIL want to do.

If it will be in your name, you would be MAD to say no. I say this as someone also in SW London about to buy with family help. Seriously. It will set you up for life.

Why don't you both sit down with your future PIL and discuss things? I would think a legal agreement about who owns what regarding the SW London house would be quite reasonable as you are both so young, working FT and have no children. However, were you to have children that would be different. Could you not get a mortgage jointly with PIL, think HSBC Premier does this, and then gradually buy them out. Of course, if they are seriously wealthy and it is a gift without strings you could just say thank you.

As long as the house is in both names, hell yeah, I would take it!

Obvs marrying into money. Some people would kill to be in your position.

After many years of struggling and living hand to mouth and having all kinds of problems caused by poverty and finances, I would encourage ANY young person to grab any opportunity to become well off. (As long as it's legal.)

We are OK now, (financially,) but have encountered a lot of problems in the past. So yeah, grab it with both hands OP.

But do get everything in both names.

As someone who will never be in a position to buy a house I would be taking them
up on their offer regardless if any conditions attached. But I understand why you would
be wary.

user I'm basing the money thing mainly on DP's younger DSis, who wanted to drop out of her expensive American uni about a year into her course. PIL pushed for the (admittedly quite prestigious) course and choice of college in the first place - she originally wanted to go to their local university in France. She was really miserable for a while because she hated the culture there and wasn't getting on particularly well with the course but PIL told her if she dropped out that she couldn't come and live at home and they wouldn't pay for her flight back!

In her third year she ended up making new friends and having a good time, but she still feels she was made to stay against her wishes... She's finishing up her last year atm but still can't wait to leave America.

I can't imagine they would put your name on the deeds while you also part own another property, 3% of 1.1million is a lot of extra tax to pay after all. Still might be worth it if there aren't too many strings attached of course, but tread carefully.

Move back to the Midlands. You can be a bit more self sufficient financially which will alleviate any worries regarding your future in-laws and them buying you a home. You can tackle the loneliness problem by learning to drive and you will also have family members closer by. Sounds like a lovely setting for your future if you decide to have children too.
Best wishes for your wedding!

Take it. Take it take it take it.

In 5 years the house will be worth 50%+ more and you will be able to sell on / repay them if you wish, PLUS having enough for a forever home nearer your family in the north.

This will set you up for life and is an amazingly generous wedding gift from your new family.

Please think carefully

DP has finally rolled back in from the supermarket with wine and says of course the house would be in both our names and he doesn't know why I would have ever assumed otherwise . I suppose it does just seem a bit ridiculous to me that it could actually happen. I've lived here since I was a 19 year old undergrad and used to spend big chunks time daydreaming about owning it and renovating it...

But I do agree that I might need professional advice, especially regarding the house I own with DF. It seems very unfair to DP to have this house in both our names but me own property elsewhere. Equally, DGM's house was left solely to my DF and I'm very grateful that he decided letting me own half of the buy-to-let investment house was the best way to go! We have it set up as a limited trust at the moment under both our names but I assume that doesn't change anything?

I also feel very very guilty about potentially having to 'evict' my housemates. We rented the house to begin with as four uni students and my best friend found and did all the admin for it - we were very lucky to get it and still have it all these years later. Even though we both moved our DPs in to save on rent it still feels like it's hers and my house sometimes and I'd feel so bad telling her to leave...

If they bought it in your name would they be covering the stamp duty? As it would be a lot on a second home (you own a house already) at that price.

I didn't get past 'they have form for trying control...'

bad enough with the wedding which will turn into a giant frilly frock circus, like it or not. With the house - 'why haven't you had kids?' 'why haven't you had more kids? ' we're moving in so you can look after you'...unlikely but not impossible.

money brings control. Gifts are unconditional.

Ask them to pay for a joint buy to let if they want to invest. Option 4, learn to drive. This is not a rehearsal.

you dont have to tell them to leave straight away, why not continue to share and pay PIL back?

I'm not sure how the trust affects the extra 3% stamp duty but you need advice on that.

I also feel very very guilty about potentially having to 'evict' my housemates.

That's not something to take lightly either. Will you be able to kick them out? Will that be something you can do before you/PIL buy the house? If you let them stay how much will the dynamic change?

It's another consideration.

Well, the cynic in me would tell you to accept the house. 50% of marriages don't last, and if you did split up, your half of that house would mean that you could live worry free for life.

There is nothing stopping you from moving up North a few years from now. You could renovate the £1m house, sell it for a tidy sum, and pour some of that money in to setting up your new business.

Our PIL contributed to our first home quite substantially, but I also had a substantial amount to invest so it didn't feel like it was all one sided.

They did the same for their daughter, but her DH did not have any money to invest, they subsequently divorced and he got nothing out of the house other than a little bit of what was deemed to be the increased value of the property during their marriage.

Option 4 & learn to drive. Don't leave yourself open to the inevitable emotional blackmail that accepting so much money will involve. Do it yourself & it will feel so much better.

You (and they) need to figure out whether the house would be in DH's name, both your names, the parents' names (?) or a trust-type structure, because that really affects the correct course of action IMO.

Personally? I'd likely take the offer, and make sure that you (personally) are taking some of the money you'd have otherwise spent on housing and saving it/paying off your BTL.

I wouldn't leave London at your age (I'm 31 and still wouldn't leave!), unless that's the kind of lifestyle you both want.