To not want PIL to buy us a v expensive house

[sashimiandsake]

Sorry this is long, don't want to drip feed! Also NC bc of financial info... DP and I are 24 and 23 - we were each other’s first BF/GF when we were 15 to 17 and a year ago we got back together when he moved to London for work (I've been living here since 18 for uni). We've known since we got back together that we would get married someday, but we didn’t think it would be this soon… however, he is European, and we decided to safeguard our future against Brexit. Our wedding is next year, and DP's family are paying for almost everything as they are really quite wealthy and insisted on helping!

Atm we live together in SW London in a lovely Victorian house, sharing with four friends, and we have a healthy savings account due to this, some inheritance and the fact we have reasonable jobs. But now we're getting married we feel we need to leave our houseshare days behind! Our options are:

1. PIL have reached out to our landlord and they would be open to selling to us. Valuations put it at around £1.1 million (eeeeek, crazy money). We'd then use our savings to renovate it as there's a few problems our landlord hasn't dealt with. I ADORE the house and I've lived here for four years so it really feels like home... but it's SO MUCH MONEY to accept from them. We've also never had any handouts from them before.... and now a wedding AND a house in less than a year? My side of the family and friends think I am being ridiculous not to immediately accept. However, I am also a bit worried DP's family would use it to try and control us, as they have form for using money to do so with his two sisters. We've assumed the house would be in our names not theirs but I've realised typing this it's not been clarified...

1. My DF and I own a rental house together in East London (future crossrail area) that we bought from the sale of my DGM's house three years ago. DF has asked if we're sure we don't want to live in it and I could buy him out of his half over time. I don't like the area and wouldn't feel totally happy letting my Dcat out there (I realise I sound mental ). But the house itself is nice and the area is gentrifying.

1. Sell the East London house and buy a flat with a mortgage in our area in SW London (DF happy with selling)

1. Leave London altogether. I grew up in the East Midlands and it's how DP and I met as my DM and his older DSis live in the same village (where we're getting married next year). We could get a little cottage in the village with our savings and have a teeny mortgage. SIL is due her first baby in July so we’d be close for future DN. However, I don't have a driving licence and I felt very isolated most of the time growing up there even though I love visiting now. DP could relocate his job but I'd have to give mine up. But then I could try and start my own interiors business like I've always dreamed of... I'd also still have the East London house (with DF of course!)

AIBU to even consider options 2-4?

Unless your PILs are the Four Tops, YABVU in saying they reached out to anyone.

DP has finally rolled back in from the supermarket with wine and says of course the house would be in both our names and he doesn't know why I would have ever assumed otherwise

Sounds good for you then OP, but I still think DP's parents are stark, raving mad!

they cant blackmail you if its in your names only

they could put pressure on your dp for certain things but thats for you to dicuss

do your housemates know youre thinking about buying-dont feel bad they woujdnt lie there forever would they

I can only speak from my own experience, which is trivial in comparison - my MIL put down about £20,000 "gift" for the deposit for our first house, without which we wouldn't have been able to get on the property ladder. If I could go back in time and slap her in the face for that offer, I would do so without regrets. DH promised it would absolutely be with no strings attached. No "holding it over us". No guilt trips. Ha! Now, if she wants a favour and we don't snap to it, she lets us know how ungrateful we are. If we spend money on something she doesn't approve of, it's all about how she saved up and took food out of her own mouth to put our deposit down. (She didn't save it up deliberately for that - she's a lifelong saver.) If she buys us things and I don't approve, she reminds us how happy we were to take her money. I am actually in the process of remortgaging the house to get the £20,000 back out and give it back to her because I am fucking sick and tired of being beaten over the head and coerced with it. She'll be mortally offended but I am beyond giving a shit. Last year she wanted to buy us a newer, bigger car for our expanding family and I could not tell her no fast enough.

Just consider for yourself - if you get this £1.1m, will you ever be able to give it back if it turns out to be a massive poisoned chalice?

Basically, don't put yourself in the debt of a person who has any track record for being controlling.

OP
user I'm basing the money thing mainly on DP's younger DSis, who wanted to drop out of her expensive American uni about a year into her course. PIL pushed for the (admittedly quite prestigious) course and choice of college in the first place - she originally wanted to go to their local university in France. She was really miserable for a while because she hated the culture there and wasn't getting on particularly well with the course but PIL told her if she dropped out that she couldn't come and live at home and they wouldn't pay for her flight back!

OMG That sounds awfully controlling and nasty . I would be very careful accepting a gift from them. Even if you can't be controlled by them it doesn't mean that your partner can't be.

GabsALot Our housemates don't know any of this - DP and I took some time off work last week and went to stay with my DM as PIL had arrived from abroad to visit SIL and we could all spend some quality time together and nose around our wedding venue. We've absolutely loved our week oop middle which is why option 4 is even on there, but I'm not sure we're ready to leave London yet!
PIL only broached the subject of our house last week so it's all very new...

How have they been with the wedding plans? Has everything been pretty much yours and DP's choices?
I would be very hesitant in accepting them buying a house for you. I don't think I would feel very comfortable about it. But I might change my tune if my inlaws had offered to buy ours!
You're in a very good position at the moment in that you have plenty of options. If you both love London then don't move just for the sake of house prices.
I would personally consider 1 and 4 to be your least desirable options. It's worth looking into 2 and 3 in more detail. Maybe get a valuation done on the rental house, see what they would get you in the area you want to be in, etc.
Would there be an option of them paying the deposit for the current house and you paying the mortgage and either paying the deposit back to them over time or classing the deposit as a (very generous) wedding gift? You could still own the house but feel slightly less beholden to them.

Have you discussed buying the house with your friend? And the other friends you live with? I'd certainly have that conversation and see if buying the house would jeopardise the friendships.

Also, do you need to rush into it? I know you feel like it's time to live on your own when you're married, but I think I'd see how your inlaws are about the wedding before accepting any more money off them. They could be absolutely wonderful and have no expectations from you, or they could ride roughshod all over your plans.

I wish I had this problem! You are so lucky. I understand what you mean but take the offer with both hands. If they are offering, they want to do it.

Think long and hard, Sashimi. Please. Get legal advice, and very seriously consider all the scenarios - if this marriage works out, if there are children, if the marriage ends in divorce with or without children, etc. It may sound grabby and opportunistic but in a society where as many as half of marriages end in divorce, you should also think how a prenuptial agreement may help to protect both you and your DHTB/DCTB.

It can be very, very easy for smaller contributions (e.g. from your own salary) to get swallowed up and lost among giant capital investments and assets in the event of a divorce. From this end of the lens when everything is rosy that might seem a matter of utter indifference, but in ten years if you're setting up your life all over again, the "meager" pennies you may have paid into the arrangement might be a lifesaver. Just take care that in all of this throwing-around of large sums of money from another family, you don't let go of your own safety nets and protections. There are so, so many women here who are now looking at life from the other end of the lens and would tell you the exact same thing in earnest. No one ever marries for it to end in divorce, and yet it happens all the time. Plan for the fair weather as well as the foul.

That is a lot of money to accept from someone. Would it be more paletable if they were to stump up the deposit and you guys pay the rest of the mortgage?

You would be crazy to turn this down, it's an amazing opportunity.

Option 4 and learn to drive!

The fact that the other house is in a trust may mean there are some differences around the stamp duty - think you'd need to talk to a tax accountant/solicitor about that! Doubt it'll make things worse, could make things better.

Buying a home for the couple is the done thing in my family when it is the son getting married. My father paid for my brother and his wife to have a lovely home. Its owned jointly and has extra bedrooms for children. The idea is you are set up to start a family. My Dad paid for our wedding as is traditional.

Is your DP Greek by chance? If so, this is a cultural gap and you are absolutely fine to accept the money. It is their way of accepting you into their family.

Oh and if he is greek divorce is not an option. Know that going in and go to church for the premarital sessions with the priest. There are plenty of cultural gaps you will have no clue to and once kids are involved it can get overwhelming when you have not grown up in that environment.

I wouldn't take the money. You're v well set up already by the sounds of things. Most people would be thrilled to own a house in east London or a flat elsewhere in London or even a cottage in the midlands so I don't see why you can't go for one of those options and not even risk the aggro of the parental 'debt', even if it's only emotional not financial. You're so young and already have a good deal of financial security. You don't need anyone to buy you a £m house. Move on and make your own life together. Whatever you achieve that way will make you happier than this 'easy' option.

What I would do is sell the house that I was renting out, and look to buy with that money.

It sounds like an extremely generous offer. You do need legal advice - why would they give you such a generous present if you only got back together quite recently? I imagine there would be strings attached. You also need to consider that you'd have to fork out tons of money to afford the refurb, perhaps sell your investment property to fund it. The last thing you want is to be left empty-handed in case of your marriage breakdown. What might be a better solution is that they give some money to their son and once you're married, you can work out what you want to do about buying your first property together.

DP's mum is Hungarian and his dad is French. They moved around a lot as children (Canada, Germany, the UK of course) but PIL are now firmly settled in Nice and have been for as long as I've known them. They once went on a sailing holiday to Greece though so they might've picked up the custom of buying us a house there

What does your fiancé think of all the options?

Personally I'd go with either 3 or 4 - I wouldn't even consider taking such a huge sum from them, especially given the "form" you've mentioned

It's all very well saying they'll have to butt out if the house is in your names, but it doesn't always work like that; especially with those who've already shown an urge to control, there's far too much temptation to use it whenever it suits

I've a young friend in just this situation; it all looked very attractive at the time, but now she's found that her PIL's have stitched her up like a kipper

I think your DP may be being naive -- you've only his word for it that there's no question of the house not being in both your sole names, is that right?

But I doubt any parent, still less any comparatively wealthy parent would be naive enough to potentially give a hugely valuable present to a very young woman who's only been with their son a year, and who wouldn't be considering marriage if it wasn't for Brexit.

If you are considering accepting the money, you will need to get advice, and have some very Awkward direct conversations with the potential ILs about what happens if the marriage ends, with or without children.

I would no way, no how, not in a million years accept this from my PIL. It would never be our house. But you know your PIL better than any of us-would they leave you to it or would the house belong to them? And what if you were to split and you'd put all your money into renovations-could you be sure you'd be left with a fair %?

I doubt any parent, still less any comparatively wealthy parent would be naive enough to potentially give a hugely valuable present to a very young woman who's only been with their son a year

This ^^

At least, I can't quite see them doing it without some very strong safeguards in place (for them)