Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

I do agree that a debrief with your notes and a couples counselling session would both be worth having. I hope you can jointly get to a place where you can accept what happened. It sounds like you were both overwhelmed by the situation. Of course he should not have been such a barrier to pain relief. But I remember the daft doula I interviewed who said that epidurals were dangerous to the bond between mother and baby due to a study in sheep. He presumably thought he was doing his best for you but without actually paying close attention to you. That's not good but nobody is perfect. Get talking, get angry if you need to, it sounds like a horrible trauma that nobody could be equipped for

I think the talking to him is a good idea. Especially so long after it will really highlight just how awful it was to do it and how upset you were/are.

Palmtree have you had a frank discussion about this with your DH? Does he know how resentful you are and why?

Can I just say OP although I'm sure writing and reading this thread has been upsetting for you, thank you for it because I'm 33 weeks and didn't know what to write in my birth plan or if an epidural was right for me and now I do. Hope you and DH can get past what he did

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you

I think your husband and midwife were both very much in the wrong, and I'm not surprised you still feel anger and resentment towards him. He should have respected and supported your wishes. It should always be the choice of the woman giving birth and I think the midwife was arguably negligent in refusing your request and listening to him over you.

I'm not sure that I would be able forgive him at all and I think it would depend on his willingness to talk about it, listen and respect your POV, understand that his actions were wrong, apologise, and promise never to do it again. It would also depend on the rest of the relationship - if he is otherwise respectful I'd be more willing to try than if he was controlling in other ways too.

And I agree with PPs who suggested complaining to PALS about the midwife.

Bring it up again with him. Have one of those late into the night heart felt discussions.

I understand the hurdles - I was sent for a (luke warm, way too shallow) bath, and offered paracetamol (I felt like a child, I'd done all these things at home before the pain became too much, like tech support walking you through turning your computer off and on again).

DP took one look at me, heard the tone in my voice, and backed me up each time.

It's going to fester, especially if you're ever thinking about having a second child, you need to bring it out now (before you can be told you're being irrational because you're pregnant and full of hormones)

OP did your dh know that the operative word was " try" for a natural birth? Or did he think he was doing his very best to give you the birth he thought you wanted?

I would suggest you ask for a copy of your notes from the birth or a birthing debrief. Then go from there with regards to needing counselling. Some find the debrief helps a lot to put away any bad feelings from a birth experience.

Mine with DS ended up with a massive complaint about the midwife and consultant (mw was awful for many reasons and consultant threw a toddler tantrum when I didn't wish to go with his idea - him having not spoken to me at all about what I wanted stormed out of the room and slammed the door) I didn't go for a debrief as I did not feel I could cope with the hospital again. For me it was the right choice to go to counselling to deal with what happened, it lingered for a long time and really kept up again in next labour where I felt I would rather have a unassisted birth than a trip back to that hospital. (I didn't do that had a home delivery and a good experience that time) However it took me years to digest what was a very poor experience and in my case I had a very supportive dh who was equally enraged over our experience so I think for you it is additionally hard.

A debrief could be the beginning of closure for you. If there is another time I would suggest a birth plan that covers all eventualities. Not just a "this is the birth I want" more of a this is the idea however if I ask for an epidural I do wish one do not try to talk me out of it - I really do not want pethedine it didn't help in my last labour please do not offer it to me I btw agree with you there had it in DS labour and it is awful stuff I felt utterly out of control with it in effect and was SO relieved when it stopped. Refused more.

Thing is it can take a long time to heal. sometimes we need to be good to ourselves and help ourselves to get over hard stuff.

Oh I can WELL believe the MW discouraged you. At both my births - Queen Charlottes in case you're interested - the midwives tried to discourage epidural and one midwife was so obvious in not wanting to examine me that when she was told to she was horribly rough and I was in agony. The next day I cried when a midwife said he needed to do an examination but he was as gentle as could be and I hardly felt it despite being in terrible pain, it didn't need to be how the previous midwife did it and I know she did it on purpose. I still get angry and stressed when I think of her.

OP my ex was very unsupportive at my second birth, left me to Labour alone for five hours while he twatted around at home supposedly taking DS to his Mum for childcare. He admitted as much because "it was so boring first time with DS". I found that hard enough to get over and your experience was far worse. I'd struggle to forgive him to.

I would have been so angry. It's your choice. You are the one giving birth. I hate the way women giving birth and immediately afterwards are treated as idiots who don't know our own minds. If it hurts and you want pain relief you should get it, no arguing.

About birth plans, I think some people see them as pointless because births rarely go to plan, but I think that makes them even more valuable - it's important to think about different scenarios, and (for example) not just "I want a natural birth", but pain relief preferences if it comes to that. I just used gas and air but had listed my "Birth Preferences" which said no pethidine, and a mobile epidural if I felt that I needed one.

There are several things DH did during and just after birth that pray on my mind too so i completely understand your simmering resentment.

However the one good thing he did was call my mum to come and help. She actioned an epidural and later a Emcs.

I honestly think having dads as the norm at the bedside is not what labouring mothers need.

Spudlet can you still complain about your birth experience 2 years later? I had a horrifically traumatic experience resulting in me not being able to bond with my baby. She's 2.5 now and still can't bond

I suspect he thought he was giving you what you wanted as many many men are asked by their wives to try to ensure they don't have an epidural. What you need to do this time is tell him you will be having an epidural as soon as it can be arranged and make sure the hospital know that. That's all. If you think he won't respect your wishes he has not right to insist on being present and you could hire a doula or have your mother or father in there as birth partner.

I only wanted an epidural with one of 5 births and it was the right decision and I was in control of that which is what makes the difference.

Do be aware that second babies tend to be a lot easier and quicker so perhaps make it clear in advance you probably will want an epidural but then decide at the time.

Only the person pushing a melon out of their foof gets to decide if they want pain relief or not. In consultation with medical staff, of course.

Your husband's wants should have been pretty much bottom of the pile.

I suggest that if he goes for the snip in the future, you accompany him and hand him a belt to bite on at the appropriate moment.

What a complete arse.

I'd hate him for that forever, and would never, ever forgive or forget.

Searching - yes you can. I started my complaint when DS was 3 and it lead to the midwife volunteering for retraining. It was hard going over everything again but it did help me in the (very) long run. So sorry you're in this position too x

*The midwife had a laminated list of 'risks' to consider

bitch.

There's something wrong in this country, this should be discussed prior giving birth, not during! What are the appointment with a midwife for, if you don't discuss the birth.*

As a midwife can I slightly defend the above? Firstly I will never discourage a woman from an epidural. If she asks for one mid contraction I will wait for that contraction to finish and then ask her if she wants one.

I then have to produce the laminated risk sheet for her to read. It's a risk process that we can evidence that woman have been given all the necessary information to make an informed choice. So if down the line someone gets a dural puncture they can't sue, saying that nobody told them there was a risk of such a thing.

There is a lot of evidence saying we shouldn't discuss such things antenatally because then we're planting a seed of doubt in women's minds that they may "not cope" with labour and may need an epidural. If you're planning a pool birth you'd be pretty pissed off if your midwife said ok but let me just tell you this list of stuff about epidurals as well. Plus women who at that point are sure they won't be having an epidural won't pay attention. Information needs to be given just prior to a procedure to ensure the care givers at that time are happy the woman is making an informed choice and so they can answer any questions.

The role of a midwife is to be an advocate for women.

I've had the odd partner pipe up with "I don't think an epidural/diamorphine/whatever is a good idea. I firmly but politely point out it's not up to them at all.

YANBU...
I had a situation during my labour where I felt I wasnt supported by my then partner. Whrn I felt vulnerable I too felt like he stood against me rather than standing up for me.

I resented him too and for this and other reasons he is now an ex.

If you want to stay in a relationship i woukd defintely suggest counselling as the resentment will not go away

The thing is, you see someone you care about in pain - most of us want them out of that pain.

After my first really quite awful birth I opted for various reasons for a home birth second time - it's actually how I first came to MN. My DP was v anti because he was worried it would all be horribly painful this time and I'd also need last-minute intervention. I stuck with it - the professionals were strongly pro, btw - because that too was about my birth and my informed choice.

We are the ones giving birth, dammit.

Some midwives should be kicked out, seriously, it's ridiculous.

Not contradicting what I wrote earlier at all, but I feel sorry for some of the husbands/ partners: your wife has told you before that she did not want an epidural, but is now screaming in pain and unable to think straight, just begging for help. Arrives smug bitch, advising not to do anything, and reluctantly handing a laminated list of all the risks. Poor bloke panicking, not knowing which way to go to help.

Would it kill the midwives to discuss birth plans and all the options during an antenatal appointment? Would it kill them to advise the partner that you cannot make a decision about birth before hand, and to keep an open mind?

The fact that we open birthing center without possibility of real pain relief in them says it all.

I'm really hoping that your husband thought he was helping you have the birth you wanted, because otherwise it's horrible for him to deny you the pain relief you needed

I really wanted a 'natural' birth with my son but he was back to back and I was stuck on the floor frozen with pain. That was when my partner said gently "you know you're going to have to have some pain relief, don't you?". He was right, I needed it. I had a shot and a half of pethedine in the end (because I didn't want to have to move rooms and I was in the birthing centre so would have had to go to the delivery suite for an epidural). I was pretty out of it but it was my decision.

You really really need to talk about this. All I wanted to do was talk about my birth experience for ages, it really helped.

I think it should be a personal decision.
My husband and I talked about what type of birth I wanted. We did a birth plan, explaining that I wanted it to be as natural as possible. I also included that if I ended up being unable to make decisions for whatever reason, that my dh could make them on my behalf.
This worked great for us. I was having contractions for 4 days, through the day and night. Had a sweep. The head wasn't engaged so my waters wouldn't break, so the midwife ended up breaking them for me in the birth centre.
I was keen for minimal intervention. I used my tens machine from after the sweep until my waters were broke. I also used a birth ball, followed by the pool.
I tired a tiny bit of gas and air which made me feel so sick so I didn't use it. I insisted no epidural unless absolutely necessary as I didn't want one at all.
In the end I was in the pool, and at a point of physical exhaustion. The midwife suggested pethadine, which would help me sleep. My husband ended up agreeing as it would help me rest. I 'slept' for 2 hours with it. I felt the contractions, but it gave me a much needed energy boost. 'Woke up' and it was time to push.
I'm glad my husband made that decision when I wasn't really fit to.
Though your dh and midwife should have respected your wishes. And your husband shouldn't have said no when you were clear you wanted an epidural.

PossumInAPearTree

Of course, I can't deny you must inform patients of all the risks, I just don't think that going through the list when the woman is screaming in pain or nearly passed out and completely incoherent is the most effective time to do it.

I don't agree with with denying the knowledge before hand because you don't want to plant a seed of doubt. Women should know all the options, otherwise how can they even chose where to give birth? You have to know the risks and options to be able to decide.

I also don't mean that all midwives are awful, just that the bad ones should be doing another job.
We are very anti-epidural in this country, making women feel like a failure if they want one and making it as difficult as possible to get one. I haven't found any study or report that babies born under epidural come out worst than the ones who don't.

I am appalled by this. That the midwife was so negative and your husband controlling. I am very sorry that you had to go through such an intense experience without support.

I would def get marriage counselling to move past this. DH was really unsupportive after dc2 because he was depressed. I have tried to bury it but realising I need counselling too. Big things like these simmer and destroy marriages

Fwiw my DH was a terrible birth partner because he couldn't bear to see me in pain. I had female friends with me each time. They were way better especially as they had had children and so experienced birth. themselves.