Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Absolutely. possum. And the midwife should also have been thinking about the risks of not having an epidural, in a lengthy and exhausting back to back labour.

That's horrendous on his behaviour, I could excuse putting you off once out of fear you might have regretted an epidural having planned for a natural birth but not twice. That's awful. The midwife should have ignored him and listened to you anyway. The only time other halves should have a say in your medical care is if you physically cannot speak for yourself.

General anaesthetic has some quite serious potential side effects (as do all forms of anasthesia), yet no one ever suggests that people should have major operations without one. Obviously it's possible to have your leg amputated without anaesthesia - people used to all the time - but it would be barbaric to suggest this today.

The midwife needs to be made to examine her practice . She is supposed to support the mother in labour not a bloke who will never comprehend the pain of childbirth . Incidentally medics used to be told in medical school that the nearest pain a man could experience that is closest to labour is renal colic . Patients were always given opiates for that in A&E . I feel sorry you went through that and I think it needs discussing with your husband at some length . Good Luck 💐

YANBU!!!
My DH expressed his opinion of not liking the sound of an epidural after the antenatal class discussing pain relief. I asked why. Listened to his fears then reminded him there is also a risk of dying from natural birth but all risks are relative and I wanted the option of an epidural. It was in my birthplan. I made a decision. He didn't argue. That's how it should be.
Good luck with your discussion. I hope you can get some peace soon.