Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

A complaint to the hospital may at least make this midwife think over what happened and consider it carefully, even if the complaint doesn't go anywhere.

Ps my pre-natal classes discussed epidurals & pros/cons/risks. I didn't have a clear birthing plan but was not anti-epidural. However by the point I was in that level of pain I didn't care about risks and checklists!

I can't believe there are people here trying to find explanations for his behaviour.

He had no right to dictate pain relief when you were in labour. He didn't even have a right to be there.

Is there any sense in which he understands what he did?

Op, what's he said during the two years since? Surely you haven't kept this to yourself? I know you said he probably thought you were hormonal immediately afterwards but what's been said during the two years?

And yes it's difficult to know how both the mw and your DH saw the situation, you were in pain, understandably 'irrational', it seems that neither thought you had made up your mind on the epidural. Not saying they were right (clearly you feel they weren't) but they had a different perspective and were (hopefully) both trying to support you. I can't imagine they both had an agenda to keep you in horrendous pain... You need to speak to your DH and possibly the MW too to try and understand what happened.

Sorry you feel this way palmtree.

I think this arises because as others have said many women tell their partners that they don't want an epidural prior to being in labour and to remind them of this. Sounds like your husband took that message whether it came from you or wider society to heart.

However labour and people are both pretty unpredictable. I've put Epidurals in women in great distress who were asking for one and whose partners were saying "But darling, we agreed you wouldn't have an epidural". I've also had to deal with a complaint from a women who felt that I should have listened to her partner she while she was in pain she wasn't rationally able to make a decision...

I think you need to talk about it - what was he thinking?

Most labour wards have laminated sheets about epidural risks - it is part of theconsentprocess - most are copies of OBstetric anaesthetists association (OAA) information.

I think you need to write formally to the hospital and complain about not being listened to.

In your birth plan at the top in bold put 'midwife needs to follow my directions for pain relief. It's important you ignore any directions from my DH. He is not the one giving birth.

What explanation has your DH given you since about why he was so anti?

Does he dictate other aspects of your life? How is he with the baby?

Just to make it clear I don't think it is right but I can perhaps see why your husband advocated the way he did.

I don't know what was going on with the midwife.

I believe the expression 'no vagina, no opinion' would suffice as a response to any man who feels he has the right to tell a woman what to do during labour. I'm absolutely appalled for you OP, and as for your midwife, that is just so awful, she should have been doing anything and everything to support you Have you/would you consider some counselling for yourself in order to come to terms more with how you feel?

I would also tell DH that he is not to pass commment on your choice of pain relief. He can leave the room if he can't be supportive.

My first labour was long, and the pethadine came out despite my initial reservations after an intervention sent my contractions through the roof and I couldn't mentally adjust to them. The word epidural was never used- probably because the whole maternity area was bursting at the seams.

Unfortunately for me all the pethedine did was lock me into a world of pain and block me out out of any real world engagement. DH consented to a second dose of it on my behalf- he didn't know the effect that it was having on me, and I only found out from looking at my records. Different to your situation, as he wasn't intentionally overriding me.

Because the pethedine contributed to a lot of my baggage about the birth, my second birth plan stated in capital letters, "No pethedine under any circumstances. I refuse permission for DH to give consent. I prefer the pain". Because truely, after that stuff wore off, it was better feeling on fire from my ribs to my knees but being aware of what was going on, than it was still feeling it and not being able to interact with what was going on. That was an informed choice based on my experience of being exhausted from a long, stuck back to back labour.

It can be difficult for partners as there may be changes in circumstances, particularly the first time. In our case, DH blindly approving pethedine was different to yours actively blocking a more effective form of pain relief that you wouldn't be asking for if it wasn't necessary for you at that time.

Is this a specific birth issue or part of a wider control issue?

This is awful, is he abusive or controlling in any other ways OP?

Also put in your birth notes you are happy to have all types of pain relief and will choose what to have when in labour.

That's shocking. Try standing over his shoulder the next time he has a tooth extraction at the dentist and insisting that they shouldn't give him pain relief! (Yes, it's just as weird and wrong).

Yes, it's your body and your choice.

There's a wonderful organisation called Birthrights that has some great information about women's human rights in child birth, you might find it useful reading to process what happened to you: www.birthrights.org.uk/

Please do go for counselling. This needs working through. Does your dh know it is still a big issue to you?

You wanted natural... The poor guy was probably trying to do what YOU wanted.
Mrs grinch this would make sense if op wasn't actively asking for an epidural. He clearly was no longer trying to do what she wanted.

FUCKING HELL!

Next time he has surgery... Wait, you want painkillers? No, no. I want you to suffer through this like nature intended..

I'm sorry, but I'm incredibly outraged on your behave. He could try pressing a wallnut (not sure if the size relation is right) out of his penis!!

Is he otherwise lovely, kind, not-controlling etc? In this case I'd suggest marriage councelling. But I also think you should make sure all your ducks are in order/you have a nestegg etc. (simply because nobody ever knows what happens during these things...)

*Behalf

I don't know who am angriest with your H or the midwife. No a spouse/partner should not be able to dictate pain relief in labour or any other medical situation.

Tbh if this is your first labour all bets are off from birth plan anyhow. Since you've never done this before you won't know how you'll react anyhow.
The whole 'your body your choice' thing amuses me though as I had a doctor come into my room late in my labour when I was quite high on gas and air trying to talk about pain of labour with me. I hazily remember telling him that he had no vagina so no opinion and remember him backing down and apologising.

My midwife discouraged me from having anything other than gas and air....(I had gas and air and diamorphine).and Epidurals were kind of "not the done thing" I think 24 years ago.......

I would be very resentful if my DH had said he didn't want me to have pain relief. I agree with pp, you should go to counselling. This isn't going to go away by itself.

I'm furious for you. I was refused any form of pain relief with my 2nd by the midwives and even told i couldn't hack a tiny bit of pain, he was born an hour or so later and they soon back tracked. So i can understand sort of how let down you feel, but to know your DH encouraged that and played a part. That would be a deal breaker for me. A man can never possibly know how painful childbirth is, he had no right to do that to you and i can see why you have struggled to move on from it. I often feel i should have had a birth debrief myself, as i still feel angry.

Only in childbirth is a woman not allowed to make her own choices and treat like this, people get better treatment with tooth extractions!

I would be unable to have another child with this man, without this being resolved.

He needs to not just apologise. He needs to know that he not only let you down when at your most vulnerable, he actually made you more vulnerable. He needs to know that, tell you why he did that, and try to resolve it.

Yes, go for couples counselling.

Bloody hell OP - I agree with everyone that some kind of therapy might help.

I've had two labours that have gone south. In one case I had an epidural (after most of a day on syntocin with no progress), in the second I held off for a block before the c-section instead. In each case, DP backed me and helped me - eg in the second, they didn't believe I was in labour, so DP camped at the desk until first I got a hit of pethidine (I hadn't slept more than 15 mins together in a week due to contractions!) so I could get an hour's sleep, then he made them bring G&A to the ward because they didn't want to (because still, I wasn't officially in labour, so couldn't need pain relief apparently, despite the frequent contractions!). When I was finally on the labour ward he actually stepped between me and the midwife who was trying to make me get on the bed and persuade me to have an epidural I didn't want (I wanted to have the block with the c-section and I would cope on G&A until then - I knew that if I let them give me an epidural they'd hold off on the EMCS even longer).

At every step, DP was my advocate, I could trust him to make decisions in my best interest, and knew that he had listened to me so what he chose if I couldn't would be what I probably would have chosen too.

Please talk to him, perhaps with a professional - he needs to understand why you're upset about this and acknowledge that he needs to listen to you. Also, the hospital should know (although I understand why you didn't at the time - and the hospitals rely on that)

I said I wanted an epidural, but as I said, every time I said it the midwife would tell me I was coping without one and dh would tell me to try something else. I felt that the epidural was being held to ransom and the only way I could get it was to do as he wanted and have the other pain relief first. Only the other options gave me no pain relief and I continued to suffer in extreme pain just to please him.

Apart from about a week after the birth where I broke down in tears and told him how I'd never have denied him pain relief the other way around, that's the only time we've spoken of it.

I've felt at fault for carrying this resentment but it was such a huge moment in my life and I didn't feel listened to or supported.

What makes me mad too is that I apologised to him after I had the epidural! By being so insistent that I didn't have one, I felt like I'd done something wrong when I finally got it. I shouldn't have been made to feel that way.

I will talk to him again. He'll be shocked that I'm still upset about it.