Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Not trying to minimise but my DH can be very inflexible once a decision is made.

If I had said to him that I wanted a natural birth and told him all the reasons why, and given him a load of negative stats about intervention, epidural, pethidine etc then he would have believed that and tried to dissuade me.
If I had said to him that I wanted all the pain relief and only told him positives about it, then he'd probably have been suggesting it if I was in pain.

Can you think back to the discussions before labour?

If you were open minded and hadn't discussed it, then he's definitely out of order.
Fwiw I still think he's a twat for not letting you have pain relief when you wanted it, and I'd struggle to forgive. I also can't believe that his wishes were taken into account not yours.

You need to resolve this before TTC again though

YANBU

I'm not surprised you're still angry and resentful two years after the event. Yes of course birth is an exciting time for both parents but ultimately it is only happening to the mother and the only person the midwife should listen to re. pain relief is the mother. This further exemplifies why I hate the 'we're pregnant' bullshit, it makes some men think they have equal ownership of the pregnancy and the labour.

That's awful, there is no wonder this is still with you. I also had a back to back labour with a large baby and it was agony from the get go. My dh was incredibly supportive and like you i would have been devastated if he hadn't been. If you decide on any more babies i would have a big talk with him first.

Maybe he was looking to the midwife for help and advice and she being the professional was sharing you were coping. He probably did think he had your best interests at heart. After all she was the qualified one who had seen this many times before, it was his first time too so he probably felt OK with saying no to epidural as the expert was pushing everything that way too.
I think your problem is with the midwife and you definitely should report her for her treatment of you. I had a back to back labour with my first and it was hideous. Long, lots of contractions and slow dilation. The midwife kept saying did I want an epidural. My hubby said I didn't as did I. She explained the type of labour was more painful but it was up to me. Your midwife gave you no such option.

Please book him in for a vasectomy and insist he has it without pain relief. .
What a bastard.

OP, I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth experience. Your DH should have advocated your wishes, not his own, regardless of whether he was working to some plan he thought you agreed. Things in that environment change quickly and things need to be flexible for the health of the mother and baby, physical and mental.

I had a traumatic birth experience and was diagnosed with PTSD 12 weeks after DD was born. I was then diagnosed with PND 8 weeks later. With the support of my DH, GP and HV I requested a talk through of my birth experience with a different MW of the unit. She was very gentle, non-judgemental and answered my questions as well as she could. It was not enough for me. I then lodged a formal complaint with the hospital who investigated it and formally apologised for my treatment and experience at the hands of one member of their staff. That helped more because it removed the voice inside my head that was blaming me for various reasons. It's gone now. The counselling that followed helped me deal with the PTSD and I can close my eyes at night now and no longer have flashbacks of being in that situation but it took the effort of going through those processes to help get me better.

Your DH did not support you when you were at your most vulnerable and that kind of experience goes right to the core of us because we trust our partner to protect us from harm and pain when we are exposed or vulnerable in some way, it's a basic essential of a relationship.

Your feelings are not wrong. They are real and they are valid, despite what anyone says here about your husband's intentions. It's only your feelings that matter because it was you and your body that endured that pain and experience. I think it's a good idea to follow up with the midwife talking experience then seeking out specialist counselling where you can to address the issue with your DH.

I'm really sorry you have been left this way. Unless someone has experienced the lasting mental and emotional effects of a traumatic birth it's very difficult for them to understand your issues.

Look after yourself.

Was he against epidural due to side effects for you?

Regardless, he was wrong.

I'm sort of perplexed as to why he even had an opinion. He was a dick, but ultimately it's the midwife who failed here. He can have any opinion he wants, he didn't control whether you got the epidural.

The midwife was at fault. Even if she has to hand over the 'laminated book of risks' for arse covering purposes she should have sent a dogmatic husband out to get ice chips or something and talked to you one to one.

What is with all the 'we don't discuss pain relief in case it reduces women's confidence' nonsense?
Granted its a while since mine were born but for both the hospital and home births part of preparation was discussing all the possibilities and the options at each stage, plus the clear message that come the day we might want to change the plan. When did this change? Knowledge is empowering not 'frightening' and especially when things were going wrong the first time around.

OP you seriously do need to discuss this in a neutral forum/counseling with your husband. Subjectively when you were at your most vulnerable and in need of support he let you down and actively went against your wishes which is a huge thing to get past. He may not see it that way but you need to resolve this before you have another child as it won't go away on its own.

Yanbu. I wanted natural but dh knew if I asked twice for an epidural I really wanted one. He was the one insisting that the administrating doctor was called but they were dealing with an emergency at the time.

Whether you prefered to have natural or not, your dh should know you well enough to have seen you really wanted one and had your back.

Obviously it should not be DP's choice what painkillers you get, but I agree that it is the hospital/MW who are at fault. DP can say what he likes, the problem comes when someone actually listens to him!

However, I would say that if the conversation went -
you - "I want an epidural"
DH + MW - "don't have an epidural, you're doing well, try more gas"
you - "ok I'll try more gas"

That's very different to a conversation that ends with you saying "no I still want an epidural" and them still not giving it you. Not that it excuses your DH, who should have been advocating for you.

So sorry to hear of all those who had bad experiences in labour.

I'm an anaesthetist currently working in a hospital with a high epidural rate. As a consequence I do lots of epidurals. It's one of the most rewarding parts of the job but I will never ever do one if I don't feel that the woman is aware of the risks and I need to make her (and her partner) aware of what to do if there are any problems in the days to come. Because it's hard to take in information when you're in labour we then visit the woman the next day as well to check if all is OK.

Can I just say in defence of midwives, often they are required to produce a sheet of risks prior to the anaesthetist coming. It's not to discourage anyone or be a "bitch". They can't consent a woman for an epidural themselves in antenatal clinic as only a person who can perform a procedure can take consent for it. Some women see anaesthetists antenatally if there is a reason to think that they could be involved. But the majority don't.

I can totally understand when in intense pain that there are problems with running through risks but having that initial discussion and performing a safe but also quick epidural is the aim, please don't feel that you are being discouraged.

"please don't feel that you are being discouraged"

Well that depends on the HCP doesn't it?! You (or any good obstetrician, anaesthetist or midwife) would inform a woman of the risks without discouraging her from having an epidural. But the OP's midwife clearly did. And if she or any woman feels that she was discouraged, let's not invalidate her feelings.

I'm glad you have a professional and respectful attitude, as all HCPs should, but sadly they don't.

please don't feel that you are being discouraged

but we are. I can make comparisons with at least 3 countries, and the message here is "Not to have it, you are failure if you do", plus a lengthy list of "cons" and medical reasons why you shouldn't.

The only time in my pre-natal experience when I have been told to keep an open mind and understand that I might have to consider various options (including emergency c-section if needed) was my NCT class of all places!
The message through all my pregnancies was "you won't need an epidural, they are bad for labour, they delay things to much, you put your baby at risk bladibla". Whilst it's not inexact, there's a way to present things.

I (and others) have also experienced midwives smirking about pain, upset and stress about the whole thing, and making you feel like you are a nuisance if you are in distress. The system in this country is so wrong and some midwives are a nightmare. They make it clear that they see babies born every day, and it's not the big deal the woman screaming in agony is trying to make it.

I am far from being the only one who has been taken a lot more seriously from baby number 2. When it's your first, not a chance.

Well that depends on the HCP doesn't it?!

Yes and for me a major issue here is not that the midwife pulled out the laminated lists but that she was paying more attention to the husband than the woman in labour and effectively siding with him against the OP. Most midwives I've dealt with have a set of standard wheezes in this situation which get the partner out the room for a few mins for a one to one with the woman. Partners being overly keen to stick to the birth plan thinking they are doing the right thing for their partner is not uncommon and midwives are used to dealing with it. In this case there wasn't a birth plan just a vague idea which doesn't speak well of the OP's antenatal services.

Yep. Many of us feel that we're being discouraged because we are. You as an anaesthetist won't necessarily get to see all of us who have been discouraged, for obvious reasons. Not all midwives are like that, but enough midwives are.

Thank you for all the replies, I've read them all. It's been so reassuring to hear that my feelings are valid and that it's not UR to still harbour feelings of resentment two years later.

I think I will talk with dh. He will be shocked this still bothers me all this time later but I think the fact that 2 years has past and I'm still upset should illustrate the strength of my feelings.

my personal favourite "you don't need it, you are doing very well". Except, that clearly I am not and fuck off, It's my pain.

Technically, I don't need pain relief when I have root canal done (had dental work without anything during pregnancy, not root canal, but not fun!), or my appendix taken out, but I want it. When else do we refuse pain relief / anesthetic to a patient? (bare very clear medical reasons).

It might be pure luck, but I've never met an unfriendly anesthetist, they are always so calm, patient and gentle. I have met a couple of very unpleasant and frankly clueless midwives - and some lovely ones too!

2 years is NOTHING, it is no time at all, for something that is one of the most if not the most intense experiences of a woman's life.

Why are you not directing your anger/questions at the midwife/hospital? Unless you previously gave consent for your DH to make decisions on your behalf the choice of pain relief should have been between you and your midwife. I would write to the hospital and ask some serious questions. You also need some form of counselling as it sounds like you have PTD.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. There is a toxic culture around childbirth in this country IMO compounded by lack of funding meaning women are being left in pain and given sub-standard care during one of the most frightening and vulnerable (and yes hopefully positive if you're lucky) experiences of their lives. There's a big difference between explaining the risks of an epidural and minimising YOUR pain, the midwife was absolutely wrong and your DH let you down badly.

I don't know anything about him and what he's usually like, what his (incredibly poor) thought process was so I don't want to make a rush to judgement but YA absolutely BNU to feel like this. It's almost five years since I gave birth and I'm still struggling with some of what happened so it's not necessarily a case of time healing, what you need is counselling both individually and as a couple to hopefully move past this.

palmtree90: " He will be shocked this still bothers me all this time later but I think the fact that 2 years has past and I'm still upset should illustrate the strength of my feelings."

Too bloody right you should be upset. Really you need him to break his leg or have a major operation so you can say, "No, my husband doesn't want pain-killers/general anaesthetic. He'll manage fine without." The utter misogyny of both your DH and the midwife who listened to him for having the nerve to decide on your behalf that you can't have pain relief is infuriating.

notangelinajolie and others have suggested you should be angry at the hospital. So you should. But the point is we know health professionals are capable of treating people badly, but we expect that the person to whom we are married is someone we can trust. It's that betrayal of trust that hurts the OP most, I imagine.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and you should definitely speak to him or get counselling if it is affecting your relationship. It does seem pretty mean that he would deny you pain relief unless he really thought that he was doing as you wished then hopefully he'll be mortified by his behaviour when you discuss it. I think everyone would prefer to have a natural birth but circumstances change during labour which is why we have choices in our care and pain relief. I think it's right to try the other pain relief methods first and give encouragement but there gets to a point where that just isn't enough.

My first was back-to-back too but I only found this out after she was born and then I realised why it was so painful and really difficult to keep calm and collected through the contractions. I started off in the midwife unit but had to be transferred to the labour ward to be monitored closer. Fortunately the staff were great and when I was about to start the inducement drip they said if I wanted an epidural it would be the best time to have one and also the anaesthetist was free just then. I actually asked my husband if I was wussing out having one and he said absolutely not as he could see how bad it was for me and I'd had everything else on offer which hadn't eased the pain at all.

Maybe because I was already in the labour ward and had to have constant monitoring it wasn't so much of a hassle to transfer me and provide staff but from other people's experience of the same hospital I think they will accommodate your request as well as they can and second time round was much easier so I didn't need to ask for anything more than gas & air, which did nothing first time round other than make me hallucinate! Sorry for your experience and please speak to your husband.

Sorry I don't think I put my point across very well, what I meant to say, but then had to finish my post in a hurry, was that discussion of the risks is essential and not meant to put anyone off or delay things. But that's not the issue with what happened to the OP and to many of you. I'm shocked to hear that so many of you aren't even getting as far as talking to the anaesthetist. Obviously the places where I have worked are the exception rather than the rule
Will definitely be looking to the different attitudes to pain relief in different hospitals and see if there's anything we can do as HCPs to try and bridge this gap. And to whoever said we only see the ones that get the epidural, that's totally true!

I think
It's horrendous that women still feel obliged to go though extreme pain and fear in childbirth as a sort of badge of honour.

This is 2017 FFS. I could feel women through the generations cheering me on as I had an epidural. Thank god for modern medicine.

That said - if you had discussed with your husband you wanted a 'natural' labour and a medical professional is telling him that you are coping fine - then perhaps he thought he was doing his best for you and that if you had had the 'natural' Labour you wanted, you would have been grateful that you didn't have an epidural.

The error is with the midwife. She should have listened to you. Who knows perhaps your partner has regrets too.