Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

I am sorry if you are one of the very few unlucky ones having bad experience with epidural Msgrinch. Sadly there is a risk with everything, but it's very unlucky if things didn't go well for you. We have to remember that the longer a woman is in pain, the more tired she is, so refusing pain relief to a woman in labour can have terrible consequences too. Sadly many mothers don't come from childbirth without various problems, it still is a high risk process.

Epidural are presented as an exceptional option in this country, whilst they are the norm on others. At the very least the patient should have the choice.

No. And I cannot actually believe he thought he had some right to dictate your pain relief when frankly, it's you that's in pain. I agree with the PP's saying its wise to try other options first, because that's the sensible course of action, you did that.
If the midwife had said "we aren't going to give you the epidural right now as it's too early and it will slow things down" = fine.
If your partner didn't want you to have the epidural (for whatever reason I cannot fathom) = not fine.
Your body, your pain - your choice! Childbirth is damned hard work, take what you can to get you through it is my personal opinion!
I'm sorry for you that it's still traumatic to think about the birth of your child and if you did go on to have another, please remember all births are different. My first birth was a total shit show! Second time round, I actually really enjoyed it and felt in control and calm, despite having a back-to-back baby. Don't let this experience put you off!

Although you did talk to him about it after the birth and he apologised, how deeply did you talk? Has he at least explained why he took that line (even though he now knows he was wrong)? Does he properly understand the level of pain you were in? Was the apology genuine, or was it the equivalent of the sulky teenager's grunted 'sorry'?

I suspect none or very little of the above happened and that's why you're still feeling resentful. Unfortunately talking to him can't change what happened at the birth, but he needs to know how distressing it was for you and why, and how he made it more so.

What has his behaviour been like since - has he tried to control you in other ways?

No no no! Your body, your decision and the staff should have listened to you. Sit down with your husband and calmly explain to him how you feel about this and why it is important to you that this issue is aired and resolved. No one can tell you how to go through childbirth, especially not a man who will never understand the agony xx

In terms of discussions dh and I had about the birth prior. I had said multiple times, my only plan is to have a healthy baby and that I was quite interested in maybe using a birth pool if it was available. Because I got rigged up to a drip as soon as I got in hospital the birth pool was out.

I'd said I'd try for a natural birth but I wasn't vigilante about it, and the key word was 'try'!

The midwife had a laminated list of 'risks' to consider when having an epidural and she gave it to dh and that only made him more against it. She said we needed to read and understand it before she could arrange to get me one.

No and YANBU OP. Does your "D"H realise how much pain you have suffered from being refused an epidural? It is not something you can just brush off.

My personnal experience is that you need to be very vocal and really insist to get pain relief. Not my best moment but I had to shout at the MW to get pethidine with baby number 2 (too late to get anything else, they had just made me walk to the "waiting" ward while I was transitioning to active labour). Another thing worth knowing is that you need to be able to stay immobile when they put the epidural in so if your contractions are very strong and close together it might not be possible (anesthesist nearly gave up on me for number 1 but sort of managed to hold it together long enough).

Maybe because he knew that previously you'd wanted a natural birth he thought he was being encouraging??? As in a "you can do this, you're doing fine" way?? I mean he obviously got it wrong but maybe he had good intentions?

I would be crosser about the midwife to be honest.

Why are some men such idiots? (and I speak as one) - DD was born, in the end, by emergency section late on sunday, with all sorts of doctors being phoned to come in.

Yes, might not be ones first choice, but DW ran the full gamut of pain relief before getting to that point.

Just happy to get a healthy baby - and no way would I have interfered.

My hubby did as he was told, sat in the corner and one point fell asleep. Tbh it was always my choice what I had and it should have been.
I would have put in a complaint in the hospital if I'd have had that midwife and I'd have rethought the relationship.

Of course yanbu and the reason you're still bothered and resentful after 2 years is because you haven't emotionally processed how you feel about it all.

I often wonder what would happen if a woman had a baby with a man who's not her partner - for example a casual relationship that finished before the birth. Would the ex boyfriend be treated like a partner by the hospital if he was present and would he be able to influence things like this. He might not have the woman's best interests at heart.

The midwife had a laminated list of 'risks' to consider

bitch.

There's something wrong in this country, this should be discussed prior giving birth, not during! What are the appointment with a midwife for, if you don't discuss the birth.

I have so much rage against smug midwives who dismissed labour pain and the state of their patients. Hopefully they are only a minority, of course some midwives are lovely, professional and caring ,but a minority should be struck off.
You never hear about a dentist refusing painkiller to his patients, because he's used to see them in pain, do you? Why is it acceptable to laugh about a woman's agony because you are used to see women in labour?

For both of my babies (both back to back) the midwives pretty much totally ignored my dh. What he said or did had no baring. Everything was my call. Your dh had no right to tell you that he didn't want you to.have an epidural. Why did you listen to him? (I don't mean that in a mean way). You have every right to tell him it wasn't his decision.

YANBU.

As PPs have said, I'd be lodging a complaint against the hospital, and incredibly resentful toward "D"H still.

Him saying "are you sure you want to?" once the first time you asked would be understandable, if he thought you wanted natural. But once you'd repeated you bloody well wanted it, he should have had your back by getting the pain relief you needed.

I cannot believe what a callous arse he was, to see you in pain desperate for relief, and repeatedly denying you that and keeping you in agony. That's horrendous.

I think marital counselling is definitely in order, but if I were you, my trust would have been broken permanently, and I'm not sure I'd be able to move past the fact that he'd deliberately kept me in agony instead of helping me.

Christ, that's bloody awful.

Your body, your pain relief. He didn't 'have your back' or 'gently encourage you to try other options' - he and the midwife insisted you stay in excruciating pain.

What a controlling man..I'm so sorry for you....next time refuse to have him in the room when you give birth...

Op, if I were you I would show your husband your post & this thread. Hopefully you can then discuss it and move on. If he understands and feels remorse then forgive him and put it behind you. Presumably he was also inexperienced and maybe had enthusiastically read some text books! Unresolved it will fester and you have a lovely child between you. If he affirms to you that he is sorry then do forgive him and heal this wound.

I was one of those who told DH I didn't want an epidural and to be my advocate for that.

When I said it hurt and I wanted some pain relief he quickly said 'you're not allowed.' He soon changed his tune! No one knows until they go into labour what it will be like, no matter if you already have DC. It was in no way up to him.

I'm surprised also that the MW didn't listen to you.

Why did your OH insist on the no epidural? That's key. Was he trying to insist on a natural birth because he thought this was what you wanted and didn't want you to regret going for the epidural? What has he said? Because potentially you may have been angry at him if he'd agreed with u and pushed for an epidural v soon as you may have felt then that he should have supported your initial plans and helped you cope with the situation without medication, no? Maybe he wanted you to know he believed you could 'do it'. With my 3Rd child I had a horrendous home birth and was ready to ask to go to hospital and let them do whatever it took to get DS out but both mw and DH were helping me by saying I was doing great and it would be fine etc. With hindsight it's clear I wouldn't have wanted my husband to panic with me and get me transferred to hospital. Ask him to explain why he did it, what he thought the situation was. It's not that simple.

I am absolutely disgusted at reading this! When I was induced I had constand contractions for hours with maybe a few seconds respite. I only had gas and air as I couldn't physically speak to ask for more pain relief but I would have had it all! I literally thought I was going to die from the pain.
The midwives should have listened to you since you were the one dealing with it. Your dh had no place whatsoever to try and dictate which pain relief you had. Basically he didn't give a fuck about you or the pain you were in whilst giving birth to his child! For me I couldn't get past that but maybe you can.
I hate hate hate the men who say things like "oh my girlfriend did SO well, she didn't have pain relief" etc. Like it makes them better or like it gives them bragging rights. Why be in pain when there's no need?
Oh and also...if it were a man in that amount of pain there is no way he would be denied pain relief!

OP absolutely YANBU & I feel angry at your DH & MW having read this.

My baby was B2B too & I was in agony from when labour began (induced) until I was in labour & could get an epidural. My epidural then stopped working some time later, was topped up & had to be re-sited (sorry if the wrong word!). I was luckily and the anaesthetist was very quick to attend me each time but I struggled with only gas and air during those periods.

The massive difference is my DH was an amazing birthing partner who respected my choice & encouraged my choices. Ultimately I had to get an EMCS but the pain through it labour was bad. My MW was also amazing & I felt she was there to look after me & support my choices should my DH have been different.

I thought HCPs were there to spot red flags such as controlling behaviour so how you were treated is not ok.

If you love your DH & want to make it work I think counselling is the way to go. I also wonder if there are other controlling undertones.

Please look after you & your DC

Bold fail if it were a man in that amount of pain there is no way he would be denied pain relief

I was indecisive about having an epidural when my dd was back to back. The midwife refused to get involved when I asked her advice. Many long hours afterwards she commented that she felt I had done the right thing by having one. But the point is she made sure it was my decision.

Regarding DH - does he override your wishes in other areas of your life. Do you generally fit in with his wishes because you aren't bothered most times? I'm just trying to establish whether this was a one off Incident or if it is part of a much bigger picture which is why you've held on to this resentment for so long.

You really. We'd to discuss this with him again and really hammer home the affect it's had on you and your feelings towards him if you haven't already.

The list of risks will be the one put together by the obstetric anaesthetists association. It is not very scary when you look at the actual stats on things like long term problems. More scary when looking at it is the fact that for 1 in 10 women epidurals do not work well ennough to be used as the only form of pain relief.

The list of risks should have been given to you. Most women by that stage are not really interested in weighing up the pros and cons in a rational manner so just want the epidural understandably.

The difficulty is that the midwife may not have heard a direct 'I want an epidural now and this is me demanding and giving consent'. She may have thought that you and your DH had agreed that he would encourage you to not have one. Lots of women have a wobble and then do without and are happy about it. I don't think, therefore, a complaint to the hospital will get you much satisfaction as I think it would be easy for the midwife to say this is what she thought the dynamic was.

I work in this area (not a midwife) and seeing women after birth most are very positive about the role their partner's played but the one time a woman directly complained to me about her husband was when he did what yours did. She really resented him and he had no idea. He thought he had done the right thing by encouraging her. I think you need to have a frank talk and tell him how you still feel then same and how strongly you feel. Are you planning anymore babies? If so you really need to have this discussion!