Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

So sorry to read about your awful experience. I agree that counselling is definitely needed. You have had a traumatic experience and you feel that this painful labour was made worse by a wilful lack of emotional support from your husband and midwife . I assume you now look at your husband differently after your experience. You may need support to overcome this trauma which in some ways may be tantamount to an assault. My husband, incidentally, asked me if I was "sure" when I asked for an epidural but he would not have refused over my wishes. Please also look at what other areas of your life are being controlled against your interests. Or perhaps your husband is just extremely lacking in emotional intelligence(?). He probably needs a wake up, but he may struggle to understand the effect of his actions as two years have passed. I hope things work out and you can find a way to forgive him and move forward for your own sake.

Yanbu - your body, you know how much pain you can tolerate.

Can we spare a thought for the midwife who colluded with your partner? She should be following the mother's instructions.

YANBU - your body your choice. He wasn't going through the pain so he had no say. You poor thing x

Giving birth is just about the most unique experience. A man can have absolutely no idea of how a woman feels when her body does such impossible (and for most women probably) scary things. The pain can be utterly stupendous. Every individual will experience it differently. I have never really forgiven my DH for failing to stick up for me against horrible midwives in the births of both my children when I was physically unable to do so, but that pales beside your DH's behaviour. I felt I was being assaulted by the medical staff and have never got over it (children are 9 and 11), so I can understand your anger. I would imagine his behaviour is due to a massive lack of empathy and a lifetime of being conditioned to see 'labour pain' as a trivial, slightly comical event, rather than a callous disregard for your pain. I do despair of a bit of a modern trend to see the pregnancy and birth as owned by the couple, when this is expressed to the detriment of the woman. I would honestly suggest counselling as a way for you to express how this has made you feel what the birth was like. Maybe show him literature about labour and post traumatic stress. Do hope you resolve it to some extent. This is bigger if he is controlling or unsupportive in other ways, but hopefully solvable if an uncharacteristic one off.

I had an awful first birth. I was 19 and there's many things that happened to me during my labour that upset me still, but the absolute worse was having multiple (at least 6) male student doctors insert thier bare hands into my vagina to "have a go" at removing my retained placenta. I wasn't asked if I was ok with it, was awake and aware but combination of whatever drugs they'd injected me with that I hadn't asked for and epidural after the birth that I also hadn't asked for meant I couldn't not move or speak to ask them to stop. I tried and tried, but couldn't speak. Physically I'm fine now, no permantaky injuries, but emotionally it still impacts on me, recently had to be put under to have breast lump removed and I know how stupid I sound but not having control over who puts what in my body scared me more than potential breast cancer did. I never voiced my concerns because I know how ridiculous I was to feel that way. I feel that I should be thankful that eventually, my baby and I had no long lasting physical issues, I feel like I'm making a fuss so mostly keep it to myself, which is exhausting. If I'm struggling to speak to a loving supportive family I can totally understand why OP has struggled to broach it with a husband who wasn't supportive and is the source of her bad experiences and feelings.

for you OP..

How awful for you, I would still feel resentful ten years down the line if I was in your position. He behaved appallingly towards you. Of course it's your decision and he should have supported and loved you in your hour of need. He sounds dreadful. Sorry but I don't know of any decent partner who would act like that. Perhaps you should ask him to have a vasectomy with no pain relief!!

I never voiced my concerns because I know how ridiculous I was to feel that way

Its not at all ridiculous. You were in a very vulnerable state and I'd say what happened to you is pretty much assault. Consenting to be in a hospital while you labour is not consent for every passing medical person to examine you or attempt any procedures without your permission.

Why do we take such crap? Sick and tired of being dictated to be everyone. Time us women grew some big brass balls and told the world to fuck right off.

YANBU.
If you wanted pain relief he should have respected your wishes and just wanted to help you.
When I had DD1 I had been very insistent beforehand that I didn't want an epidural and it was something my DH and I had agreed on. but after hours and hours I wanted one. My DH just supported me in this (it didn't work actually but that's not the point).

Overthinking

I agree with MrsDusty's post.

Thank you again for the messages. I have read all the posts and I feel quite determined now to make sure dh understands how I felt / feel about my birthing experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I want to choose a time to talk to him when he is away from distractions and so it may not be something I do within the next few days (while people are possibly still posting). So many of have suggested that I speak to him openly, I would be silly to ignore or the great advice.

Thank you all again.

Tell me this is a joke?? No yanbu! Omg, if he were my husband, I would have to kick him in the crotch several times until the tears start flowing and say that there is 2% of the kind of pain I was going through when you denied me help!
Seriously though, I wrote out Birth plans with all four of mine, and the first, he came two weeks early, he got stuck, but finally was delivered without any need of anything, completely drug free, the second, I had everything they could throw at me, every darned thing as I had SPD and Sciatica too, so was in agony, my third, she got stuck, so I had to have an emergency C-Section, and my fourth, a planned C-section as she was showing signs of distress! You cannot always plan for your birth, so much can happen, but to have my decision made by someone who will never know the intense agony??

No one could comprehend how painful childbirth is unless they are the person going through it and he had no right to interfere. The midwife should not have listened to him, and she should have fully supported you. I would lodge a complaint to the hospital even though it was 2 years ago (it will make you feel better and get some closure and hopefully help others too). Your husband needs to apologise sincerely and he needs to fully understand how horrible it was. Have a chat with him and bring it all out into the open so he gets it. Then try to put it behind you as much as you can, as dwelling on things is not good for you. He can learn from his mistake, and the hospital can learn from their mistake, but you need to tell them both how traumatic & horrible it was. Letting it linger in the recess of your mind without addressing it is not good for you.

Mine is 6 months today and I had a back to back labour. I cannot even now contemplate the pain. If my dh had done that there would be such hell to pay. I wouldn't be over it in two years.

Having said that i had an epidural about an hour in contracting at 5cm. It had faded by the time i came to pushing 5 hours later. The pain. He may actually have helped you out 😞

Roomster101: "No one remembers events exactly as they happened two years ago. If things were as OP remembers it is odd that she hasn't said anything for two years. It is very likely that he will genuinely remember things differently."

This is simply not true. My eldest is 26 and I can still detail the birth moment by moment, right down the the staff names and what they were wearing as well as every word they said and every moment of the subsequent time stuck in hospital. My mother can do the same from the traumatic birth of my brother who is 50 (in fact so can I as the fall out was so significant).

Some events do not go away, they need taking seriously and addressing, not trivialising and undermining.

"No one remembers events exactly as they happened two years ago. If things were as OP remembers it is odd that she hasn't said anything for two years. It is very likely that he will genuinely remember things differently."

Bull, I had my first child over 21 years ago and I can remember it very clearly plus I've got the hospital printout of the labour plus a very detailed copy of what happened as I had very strong grounds to take action against the 2 midwives which I did.

I'm not surprised you feel let down by your husband. I would have been too. I hope he'll listen to you so you can get some closure on these feelings.

I think the two of you need to communicate better. Not just about this, but in general.

It's inconceivable to me how two people who are having a baby together, voluntarily, in what appears to be a caring union, could find themselves in a situation where one party has so misjudged or misunderstood the other that this could have happened. You wouldn't tell a stranger in the street who is screaming or writhing with pain to try all options before providing reliable, known relief. It's awful.

The only alternative is that he felt ownership over your bodily process. If that's the case, communicating better is the least of your worries.

Good luck with the discussion. I hope what he tells you reassures and helps you.

The reason the MW disuaded you from an epidural may have been that they often end up in theatre, poor recovery etc. or lack of anesthetist etc. Or you were too far gone.

The reason your OH did was another matter. (Unless he's a midwife or obstetrician)

If a chap is this controlling in labour, we tend to flag it up as potential EA tbh where I work. :(

May I ask, did you go to a class or such where it was talked about while you were pregnant?

OP If it helps to know, I got an epidural early into labour (my water broke at 37 weeks) because the doc was there (it was 2am so he'd be hours if I asked for him later). My contractions did totally disappear so they had to start pitocin to get them going again. I ended up with a c-section because his heart rate was dropping and I wasn't dilating quick enough to get him out before he would be considered "in distress". I have no regrets about the epi, the pitocin, or c-section. I did what I had to do for them to get him out safely.

The midwife did let you down, but it's the way you feel your husband didn't have "your back" that is really eating you up. I would try and bring it up calmly with him in a way that asks what he was thinking and why. If he was worried about YOU and worried about the negative effects, have him explain those negative effects to you and why those outweighed your comfort. Ask him why your opinion about it didn't matter (the pain stopping you from thinking clearly).

Is this something you think about all the time? Or just sometimes? Has something triggered it lately?

Well she obviously wasn't too far gone as she had one later. If there wasn't an anaesthetist available the midwife should have said. And it's not up to the midwife to decide she's going to disuade a woman from having one because they "often end up in theatre".

I often wonder if they 'often end up in theatre' as those with more complex difficult labours are generally those who have epidurals. The associated pain that is felt is felt by the woman not the HCP so is impossible to guage.

Personally I really didn't like the thought of epidural it scared me more than the pain. In my first labour I nearly had one though as they were threatening to put me on the drip and the pain of back to back labour was already more than I could take. Dd1's heart rate was dropping, they then decided that progress was faster than they thought do didn't and I didn't have the epidural. On the other hand dd's didn't hurt at all apart from transition and my active labour was 40 minutes. Which one was statistically more likely to end in theatre I wonder......?

Interestingly with my first labour I was treated like I was soft but it hurt a damn site more than the 2nd!

Disclaimer: it is the choice of the woman and I'm going to sound hippy now. I don't think labour can be compared with a root canal. It can be a powerful, enjoyable experience - my second one was whereas a root canal is something that is only ever endured. So I don't think the US model of popping in an epidural to pretty much everyone is right tbh as that also taking away choice and there are risks with everything.

The reason the MW disuaded you from an epidural may have been that they often end up in theatre, poor recovery etc
Often? Countess women have had epidurals without negative consequences and of course with much less pain.
Besides it isn't the job of a MW to dissuade a woman in labour from having a perfectly legal and acceptable course of treatment. I find this really shocking and would definitely contact PALS.