Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

It was your choice.

The midwife should have explained that a back to back labour can be very very painful and that you might need more pain relief because of it.

There is no planet on which persuading someone not to have pain relief because you don't want them to have it is 'having their back'. I am sorry to hear what happened to you msgrinch, but that doesn't mean that anyone who gets in the way of a woman making a choice that turned out to be a bad one for you is doing a good thing.

Fucking help.

NO! Your body, your choice. At that point, nothing to do with him.

Did he think he was helping by "encouraging" you to keep going? Our NCT lady did say something along the lines of try not to cave too early, and epidurals can lead to higher chance of interventions, so he perhaps was just overzealous in his desire to help, and his beliefs strengthened by the midwife voice of authority.

But no - end of the day that was terrible for you.

Perhaps talk again now in a calm moment about exactly how much this still upsets you. You need to know he has your best interests at front and centre - childbirth is the time when you're most vulnerable..

I'm not surprised you feel resentful. He took control of a time you should have been in control and that's not ok. I do think it won't go away on its own and maybe counselling will be needed. Perhaps that could be avoided if you felt you could talk at length about it with him and that he would show genuine remorse. But things like this fester otherwise. If he's controlling in other ways it may be worth looking at your relationship in general.

He didn't deny you pain relief ffs. He had your back and made you choose every other option before pretty major drug first

The words "made you" in your post are telling. Totally controlling - especially in a situation where the woman can be vulnerable - to deny her the pain relief she wanted

I have wondered about marriage therapy because this resentment is constantly simmering underneath for me. I thought I was being unreasonable still being upset about it all this time but you ladies are reassuring me I'm not.

Mrs Grinch I am sorry that you had long term issues from an epidural but there are risks from not having one also. A friend of mine had forceps in an emergency with only gas and air, a horrific experience.

It has to be the woman's decision whether she makes the right or wrong one. The OP's H coercing with the MW is wrong

That seems incredibly controlling to decide what pain relief you can or can't have. Who the fuck is he to decide that?!

No wonder you still feel resentful

Absolutely not!

It's strange that the midwife agreed with him!

The only people who should overrule your wishes are the medical team and then only for sound medical reasons not personal preferences. And those reasons should be made clear verbally and in your notes.

I think your DH and the Midwife crossed a line here and you need to address this issue with both. I'd definitely contact the hospital via PALS and register your complaint. Regarding your DH is he normally controlling or abusive? I don't think I could be with someone who didn't advocate for me at my most vulnerable moment, the trust would be broken and I'd have to leave.

Your husband was completely out of order - I'd suggest counselling also as this kind of feeling doesn't go away on its own.

Is he normally controlling OP?

I have heard a lot of stories over the years of women saying to their DH "I don't want drugs. I especially don't want an epidural. Don't let them make me have one. I mean it, DH. Even if I say I want one, I don't!" then the DH trying to do what she says and her going ballistic.

My sister was one. She had had a problem with her back in the past and didn't want anyone touching it . She was adamant she wouldn't be having an epidural under any circumstances. FF many hours of agony and BIL returned to the labour room to have her scream at him "I'm having an epidural and don't try to stop me!" as if it wasn't all her idea to go without it in the first place.

That's awful! You poor thing!
I had the opposite experience
I was in and out of consciousness and DH kept yelling at the midwife to give me an epidural. Midwife refused and insisted it had to be my desicion. In the end I asked for one.

The midwives should be listening to you, not your DH!

Is it possible that the MW & DH misunderstood the situation?

I have seen it said on here that you need to discuss your birthplan with your DH because once you are out of it, you may be less capable of rational choices and may need your DH to advocate for you.

You said in the OP that you had wanted a natural birth, perhaps your DH/MW thought that by gently encouraging you to try other methods first they were helping you to stick to your basic plan.

I'm so angry on your behalf. If this had happened to me I'd never be able to forgive him. It's a betrayal.

And Grinch I'm sorry if you regret your choice but at least you were free to make it. Denying her pain relief is exactly what he did.

How dare he. I would be livid. It's your body and he had no right to dictate anything.

Every time I said I wanted the epidural the midwife said 'but you are coping so well, you don't need one' and then if I pushed it she said she'd leave the room so I could discuss it with dh but she knew full well he didn't want me to have one!

I guess it depends whether a conversation was had prior on set of labour or not. If you had said you didn't want an epidural even if you screamed for one then he's only following your wishes. Same as the midwife.

If no such talk took place then he is a controlling arse and the midwife is a cow. I think some of them expect histrionics before they dole out the meds, when not everyone behaves that way.

Why not look into a doula for your second birth, your DH can support you by taking care of your eldest.

That's awful OP.

I don't know how to solve the issue with your DH after his behaviour, but are you going to make a complaint about the midwife? She is probably still practicing and might be abusing other women like this.

Grinch -I'm sorry to hear your epidural didn't go well but I didn't just start having contractions and ask for an epidural. I'd been contracting every few minutes for 5 hours before I first asked. Plus I was being sick we every contraction!

I was vulnerable and scared and not in the best position to stand up for myself. That's where I feel dh should have stood up for me, rather than stood against me.

there are 2 issues:

It's horrendous that your partner should even have an opinion when you are the one going through everything. Unless you are experiencing the labour - and they are all different - you have no idea. It's so natural that you are still upset about it. I have read other women being abused by their husbands that way, so it's not just you. You are not wrong here!!! At all.

The other issue is the midwife. We all know that epidural are frown upon in this country because of the cost and the cost only! You need an anaesthetist for them, and when you think that birthing center do not offer that option, but have to transfer you to a hospital.. (at least the birthing center I looked at, South East). I would make a firm complaint against that woman, only in childbirth are some fuckwits allowed to withdraw pain killer. Fair enough sometimes you need to fight at the end of labour because they don't like to give it late, but if you insist enough, you get one and it's worth it (been there with one of mine....).

There's no birth plan in most labours. You might have grand ideas about this and that, but in the heat of the moment, everything goes out of the window. It's disgusting to pressure a woman against pain relief, it's even worst that no one listen to you when it's your first baby. My 3rd childbirth was the most painful, but because I was not a first time mother, I was taken more seriously. Disgraceful.

You should consider counseling, to help you. It's not unreasonable to need it, it's just unfair that you are too upset to get over this.

From your most recent post, OP, am I right in thinking that both the midwife and DH were reluctant to let you have the pain relief you wanted?

The conversation about pain relief should have been between you and the medical staff not DH, and you may have grounds for a complaint.

You have an 'unpleasant DH' problem IMO.

This happened to a friend of mine who is also hugely resentful (and included her husband not passing on a message re available pain relief the midwives had given him)

All I can suggest is it's a way of being involved and I know many men feel like a spare part during labour. It's hard to imagine watching your partner vomit over themselves through pain and not do anything though