Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Easy solution to that, in a VERY loud voice you should have said "it's my body, my decision, and I want an epidural". You need to address this with him now otherwise it will fester forever.

They do try to hold out on pain relief. I suspect the midwife thought you DH was voicing your original wish to not have an epidural so was encouraging you to cope without one. I had a three day induced Labour. Lots of baths and stair walking. On the third day, my DH questioned the lack of pain relief. The midwives half heartedly suggested I could maybe have gas and air but that I was coping so well without! Don't bear a grudge over the issue, just have a conversation about how you felt at the time with your DH and use the experience to make sure he understands to just support you next time. You may have equally blamed him if you'd had an epidural straight away for not following your wishes for a natural birth!

You may have equally blamed him if you'd had an epidural straight away for not following your wishes for a natural birth!

Poor old him, he couldn't get it right in discharging his duty to decide about an adult's right to have control of their own body. No right choice for poor old him.

Absolutely shocked at your midwife . Would love to hear her explainstion , and it would need to be a bloody good one!!
Sounds to me like there's s huge communication barrier between you and your DH. Saying nothing is making a lot of resentment build up inside you . My advice would be to arrange a sit down and get it off your chest. You may find hubby was under the impression he was being vocal for you based on what your initial preference was (natural) . Fact if you won't know til you clear the air. A good honest chat between the two of you about this is clearly two years overdue

Of course your dh and the midwife should have listened to your choice to have an epidural, but presumably at the point when they were encouraging you to labour without one they both thought you were coping and that after 5-10 hrs the end was in sight. Lots of women start to feel they can't cope any longer without pain relief at around transition, after all. If when they examined you after 10 hrs you had been 10 cms (as they probably thought you could be) would you now be angry with your dh or proud of yourself for having a natural birth and avoiding the risks of an epidural?

Your DH sounds like a bit of a control freak to be honest. His behaviour during your last labour was unacceptable, no wonder you feel resentful!! I wouldn't even have him in the room this time. Do you have a family member or close friend you could have wih you instead??

I've not read all the replies but u must have this out with your husband, then make a complaint about the midwife, then gets some counselling. Sending hugs xx

Wow. Did you discuss pain options with him prior to birth? As in 'I want a natural birth and please don't let me cave part way through'? In the absence of that (and even then, when asking for it during labour, it should have been no more than a gentle 'are you sure?' from him.

My DH was completely supportive of whatever I needed to get me to the finish line, save for some reservations when I was demanding a c section as he was worried about surgery. Certainly not telllinf me not to do it - just more about the risks, etc.

But no. Until he has tried pushing a golf ball through his man hole and has accepted pressure from you to do it without anaesthetic, he has no right to even raise an eyebrow when you say you want an epi.

No, it has nothing to do with anyone else. Perhaps he thought you might regret it as you can't feel anything and can end up having a c-section. Also, you cannot get out of bed for a few hours. It is a bit strange they ignored you.

You may have equally blamed him if you'd had an epidural straight away for not following your wishes for a natural birth!

Then in that case she'd be wrong, whereas she's totally right here.

Good lord! I nearly killed my husband when he told the midwife not to get me any pain relief when I was in labour. My body, my decision! That and he had no bloody idea how painful it was.

You need to tell him how this made you feel and how angry you are, the longer you leave it the worse you will feel

I have every sympathy for you, what a dreadful experience.

I'm really sorry you're still struggling with this. I also had a traumatic birth and was still struggling with resentment and trauma about my experience several years after the fact. If you don't feel able to raise it with your husband straight away you might benefit from a talking therapy ( I had cognitive behavioural therapy which really helped to crystallise my feelings and build confidence to assert myself in a constructive way). I also had meetings with a birth trauma midwife as I wanted more children but was terrified of another bad experience. They walked through the whole experience and agreed that my midwife was unhelpful around my pain management as well as other things that had happened. That and hypnobirthing resulted in a much more positive second birth. I'm not sure if any of these have been suggested in earlier posts but please be reassured that many women go through birth trauma and it is possible to recover from it with the right help. It also doesn't mean that your relationship with your husband is irreparably damaged. Talking to a professional is the first step. Please don't doubt yourself for feeling this way. It is a perfectly normal response to a very difficult experience.

I know a few people have referenced my 'wish' for a natural birth and indicated that this may have been why dh behaved as he did. I wouldn't say that I expressed a strong preference for this. I literally said, 'I'll try' and by that I meant I wasn't going to just demand an epidural 5 minutes into labour (not that there is anything wrong with that).

He was quite clear that he didn't want me to have the epidural for his own reasons, he never once said he was against it because of anything I had said. If he had then I would have set him straight and told him I'd changed my mind!

No.
It's your body not there's and they've got no concept of how bloody painful it is.

YANBU to feel resentful but it is something that needs to be resolved. I was arsed off recently that my DH agreed with a GP that I hadn't had a certain medication before. No prizes for guessing who was right! It was only a few days later that I realised that it actually goes back to his taking the side of a doctor and Midwife who insisted that my waters definitely hadn't broken. They had. Took him nearly 24 hours to truly believe me and then I still had to convince the Midwives.

That child is in their late teens. It needs dealt with, both my resentment over a long ago incident and why he has sided with people other than me on medical matters a few times. We're going through therapy, the two of you might find it useful too if it turns out that his motivation was remotely complicated. Please don't continue to let it fester in you though. See someone about it. The issue might sink like muck to the bottom of a bucket of water but, sooner or later, something will stir it all up again.

I had this happen to me over 20 years ago by my ex. I thought times had changed.

I never had a debrief or counselling and it contributed to the breakdown of our relationship and was symptomatic of his general attitude towards me. He didn't listen to me in general and that was just one example.

You have my every sympathy

YANBU

Personally, I don't have a very high pain threshold anyway. I know this about myself and I made it clear from the start I wanted an epidural. My parents died young and infact their has been a lot of death all around in my family so I suffer from a lot of health/death anxiety so if my DH had done that and also the Midwife I would have been incredibly resentful and traumatised so I really so sympathise and I'm sorry that was your experience - like you I had a very long Labour 3 days total and 19 hours on the Labour ward so I can only imagine ... big hugs and I hope you get some resolve xx

Fuck no. If he'd wanted me to go without an epidural I'd have squeezed his balls tight during every contraction until we were both begging for an epidural.
I'm afraid if your dh was my dh we'd only have one child. Mind you after I'd squeezed his gonads a few times reproducing wouldn't have been an option.
Seriously though your body your rules, even if you'd been anti epidural it's your prerogative to change your mind when faced with the pain.
All this no pain relief bullshit does anyone have root canal treatment or surgery without pain relief.

Totally agree- YANBU!
It's along the same lines as men deciding what happens to women who need abortions- how dare they!??
It's not their body and why did the MW go along with him?
If the boot was on the other foot and DH had had accident and you said- oh no he's not to get morpohine pain relief- I guess DH and the medics would accept that? Not!!!

Wanting you not to have an epidural for his own reasons maybe something to do with worries about baby, or his own past experiences?? But without him talking it through with you in advance it's all a bit academic and just comes across as controlling for him to be so vocal during birth. It's hardly a team sport. I would be upset too. Hope you can have good communication with him about it now. I wanted my husband there during the birth but was absolutely no way I would have been happy with him making decisions unilaterally about stuff. You're so vulnerable at that time.

He was 100% out of line and this is a big deal. No wonder you feel angry still... there's a lot to process here. I'm a counsellor and I suggest you seek therapy to help you navigate this, either just for you or as a couple. Sorry you had this experience.

just curious with it being a feminist/ sexist issue whether a woman's opinion bears more weight than a mans who's helped to conceive the child?

I dont think the woman's feelings bear more weight than the fathers, the fathers opinion shouldn't bear any weight at all because it's not his body.

A mans contribution to creating a baby is to have an orgasm, that orgasm doesn't give him autonomy over someone else's body. His contribution to creating a baby is risk free and pleasure for him, he doesn't face all the risks that come with growing and birthing a baby at all. Everything else, happens to the woman's body. She chooses every single time.

If a man feels epidurals are bad, he can voice his concerns but the woman isn't obliged to give them any weight, his opinions absolutely should be expected to over ride anybody else's bodily autonomy. The only body his opinion bears any weight on is his own. He can deny himself an epidural but he doesn't get to deny anybody else it.

If it was a female birthing partner choosing to voice their opinion against the person they are supposed to be there supporting I'd think they were twats too and I think they shouldn't have autonomy over someone else's body either.