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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

381 replies

palmtree90 · 17/04/2017 08:41

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 10:31

Oh and this thread has been going for ages, have you still not asked him???

motherinferior · 18/04/2017 10:40

What is hard to communicate about "I am in lots of pain and want pain relief NOW?" I tend to feel that when someone says that, it's really quite easy to understand.

motherinferior · 18/04/2017 10:43

And she didn't say she was 'clueless', she said she had no clue how painful it would be, probably because she had been influenced by the pervasive 'pain with a purpose' and 'oh don't believe what you're told' bullshit.

Whereas in fact if you do want to pay attention to Traditional Wimmin's Wisdom the overwhelming message from every single literary and oral tradition is that childbirth hurts like fuck unless you are really, really lucky.

Roomster101 · 18/04/2017 10:55

It is obviously the woman's choice and partners should have absolutely no say in pain relief during childbirth. It seems very odd that you haven't discussed this with your DH though as you seem quite angry about it. I can't help but wonder if your DH was as vocal about you not having an epidural as you remember. Regardless, I doubt that he had much influence on the midwife (not that it excuses him, of course).

NameChange30 · 18/04/2017 11:37

" I can't help but wonder if your DH was as vocal about you not having an epidural as you remember. Regardless, I doubt that he had much influence on the midwife"

What the fuck?! So you know better than the OP what happened, do you?

I've heard it all now. AIBU gets ridiculous at times. But here you are gaslighting someone about an experience you have nothing to do with whatsoever. Shame on you.

Semaphorically · 18/04/2017 11:53

Oh and this thread has been going for ages, have you still not asked him???

She only posted the OP yesterday morning!

Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 12:21

Sema - true, if she hasn't asked him for 2 years preferring to stew on it instead...

Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 12:24

Anotheremma - it's a fair point made by roomster that her DH may recall events very differently and have a different perspective. But seeing as talking to him about it seems to be out of the question , we'll never know.

NameChange30 · 18/04/2017 12:44

Pirates
"seeing as talking to him about it seems to be out of the question, we'll never know"
You have a strange definition of "out of the question". Unless you didn't bother reading these comments by the OP?
Yesterday 10:09 "I will talk to him again"
Yesterday 12:20 "I think I will talk with dh"
Yesterday 18:52 "I'm going to digest all the comments and then chat to dh about it. Not in a horrible way but in an honest way."

NameChange30 · 18/04/2017 12:45

And that wasn't the point Roomster was making at all.

Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 12:48

2 years of not talking and more lrocrastination does not a discussion make...

Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 12:50

Well I'm entitled to my interpretation of what roomster said. I just think there's lots of hysteria on here based on speculation and assumption about the DH who may or may not be a bastard.

Roomster101 · 18/04/2017 13:04

What the fuck?! So you know better than the OP what happened, do you?

No one remembers events exactly as they happened two years ago. If things were as OP remembers it is odd that she hasn't said anything for two years. It is very likely that he will genuinely remember things differently.

Piratesandpants · 18/04/2017 13:13

Absolutely Rooster

hackmum · 18/04/2017 13:17

Roomster101: "No one remembers events exactly as they happened two years ago. If things were as OP remembers it is odd that she hasn't said anything for two years. It is very likely that he will genuinely remember things differently."

I think most women who have had difficult experiences of labour and childbirth find that the whole thing is imprinted vividly on their minds. One thing that women do remember is what people said to them, whether it's a dismissive comment from a midwife or their DH denying them pain relief. I bet the OP remembers exactly what happened. And I bet her DH does too.

And she did speak to her DH about it after the birth. I dare say the reason she hasn't mentioned it repeatedly over the past two years is because she didn't want a major argument about it.

Original poster
palmtree90 · 18/04/2017 14:07

I did talk to dh about what happened, about 3 days after the birth. I cried and told him how let down I felt and that I'd never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around. He said he was sorry but that he'd wanted to avoid me having one. I said that it hadn't been something I'd set out to do but that it was so painful that it's what I wanted at the time.

I haven't repeatedly talked to him about it because I felt like it was my problem if after talking about, I still felt upset.

I will talk to him about it again, I'm not going to commit to saying I'll do it tonight just so I can feed back. As many of you who work and have lo's know, you need to pick a sensible time to chat if you want to get the most out of it. My dh has some work issues at the moment that mean if I want him to really listen to me, I'll need to pick a time when he's not distracted by them.

As for my recollection of events, I remember it all very clearly. Giving birth was one of the biggest events in my life. Plus I have spoken about the experience numerous times with friends etc... so it's not like it happened two years ago and I've never thought back or discussed it.

As for dh's recollection, I can't say. I suppose I'll find out when we chat about it.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. As I said, it's been good to talk about it and have my feelings (mostly) validated.

Dh isn't a horrible man or a cruel man, he handled a situation badly. Unfortunately that situation was, as I said, one of the biggest events in my life, and so the emotional repercussions of handling it badly are more severe and therefore harder for me to just forget about.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 18/04/2017 14:37

He said he was sorry but that he'd wanted to avoid me having one.

That really isn't kind.

NameChange30 · 18/04/2017 15:27

FWIW OP I really admire the way you've handled this thread so far, you have been very measured in your responses and have considered the replies without getting defensive or annoyed about the more critical ones. I think you express yourself well so that will really help when you discuss it with your DH. It should go without saying really that you don't owe any of us an update and certainly not an immediate one. I think you're right to pick a good moment for the discussion. Good luck x

Batgirlspants · 18/04/2017 15:48

I think the possibility of many many women suffering ptsd after birth isn't discussed or researched any where near enough and it bloody should be.

Hope you ok op Flowers

Original poster
palmtree90 · 18/04/2017 15:51

AnotherEmma - thank you Smile

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 18/04/2017 15:56

He said he was sorry but that he'd wanted to avoid me having one

That's bad, OP. I would've been very upset at that comment.

MrsKoala · 18/04/2017 16:19

Did you ask why he wanted to avoid you having one? Did he think it was dangerous for you or the baby?

I had ptsd from my 1st 2 births and only dealt with it when I was pregnant with dc3. I had a debriefing and it was really beneficial.

During the 1st birth things were going bad and they said the baby had shoulder dystocia and would need pulling out. They asked if I wanted ventouse or forceps. I asked pros and cons and they said ventouse was better for me and forceps was better for baby. I asked dh what he thought and he said it was my decision.

Original poster
palmtree90 · 18/04/2017 16:27

MsKoala thanks for your reply, I think it was for the reasons previously mentioned, that it can slow things down and there is an increased chance of needing assistance with the delivery. As I said, I was aware of these potential risks too but had decided they were worth taking due to the overwhelming pain.

Glad you managed to find some peace after your stressful 1st delivery.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 18/04/2017 16:30

He said he was sorry but that he'd wanted to avoid me having one

Why? Why would anyone who is not a sadist do such a thing?

What good reason is there to deny you pain relief?

I'd be resentful, too. You have very good reason to be resentful. He intentionally chose that you should be in pain.

Even considering the possibility (which I think is unlikely) that he thought it too dangerous because of potential side effects, it would be a horrible thing to do.

I am anxious every time someone I care about has to, or chooses, to fly somewhere. I consider it much too dangerous, and will probably never board an airplane myself in the near future.
If I had the power to make it so that my friends and relatives aren't allowed to board an airplane, and would use that power to prevent them from traveling, what kind of person would that make me?

Cookie37 · 18/04/2017 17:35

Christ - absolutely not ! I would also be harbouring a LOT of resentment about this (though it's obv not good to hold on to this feeling - it'll only gnaw away at you , so I reckon it's important to talk to him about it, or someone who will let you really vent and make sure it doesn't happen again). Are you planning on more ? If so, make sure you get it written in your notes that YOU and only you will decide re pain relief and that you want the right to change your mind at the time. I can't believe the midwife let him decide ! Grrr. Different matter if it's a medical decision - too late for epidural etc.

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