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Original poster

Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

381 replies

palmtree90 · 17/04/2017 08:41

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 20:52

but he is allowed an opinion it's his baby to.

Utterly ridiculous.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 20:57

MrsDustyBusty why is this utterly ridiculous?

At what point between conceiving a child and going through labour and then raising a child together does his opinion become relevant then?

I said he can have an opinion doesn't mean he is right but surely everyone is entitled to that otherwise none of us would be on this thread.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 20:59

At what point between conceiving a child and going through labour and then raising a child together does his opinion become relevant then?

When it's not inside or emerging from its mother's body. Up to that point, the only relevant opinion he has is gratitude that he's getting a child at no risk, pain or physical consequence to him.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 21:00

Once the baby is out.

I mean, he can have an opinion, in the same way any random can have an opinion. It's a free country. You're allowed to have deep feelings about other people's birth choices if you want. However, him being the biological father of the foetus has zero bearing on the matter.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 21:02

He has an equal say in having unprotected sex. He has an equal say in the baby's care from the moment it's born. But in between those two points, his opinion is at worst irrelevant and at best secondary to the mother's.

Women are not simply incubators FFS. It's our bodies that grow and birth babies. Fathers owe us respect and trust to make the right decisions for ourselves and our babies. Of course partners can discuss it and fathers might have an opinion - mothers might want to consider their opinion on some or even most issues - but they have no right whatsoever to insist the mother shouldn't have an epidural (or anything else for that matter).

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 21:04

Lol

DJBaggySmalls · 17/04/2017 21:04

bluenose1986 I'm not sure what your argument is. Should you be able to stop your partner having an anesthetic for surgery?

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 21:05

Oh it's funny is it?!
A woman's right to be supported in childbirth and not to have a painful, traumatic experience is funny now Hmm

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/04/2017 21:06

Surely if you're the one giving birth you're the one whose opinion is most valid? Of course Dads-to-be need an input but it doesn't trump that of the person giving birth.

DH always said when DS2 was born that he'd go with whatever I did or didn't want. If he'd gone against me mid-way through with that sort of thing I'd struggle to reconcile that; it would essentially be saying "I'm in control of your labour" and frankly, any relationship where one person takes control to the detriment of the other person is an unhealthy one, whatever the context. The OP's DH was absolutely unreasonable and unjustified in his actions.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 21:13

No I don't think it's funny but I find your stance on a fathers opinion funny.

My argument is that the DH expressed his opinion it wasn't right. the OP was on the bed in labour totally her choice what pain relief to have and it was the midwife who refused it. The DH didn't stand obstructing the door to stop the midwife leaving the room to arrange this for the OP.

If you read back through my other points on the thread you will see I have never once said that the DH had a right to stop the OP receiving pain relief however he does have the right to have an opinion that is all.

MarklahMarklah · 17/04/2017 21:15

I know of a couple where the man refused to let his partner have pain relief. With either of their two children. She left him.
Sadly, she also left the children, but I suspect that the whole experience had left far too much of an emotional scar on her.

Butterymuffin · 17/04/2017 21:16

On the point about 'epidurals slow down labour', if I recall correctly from the Zoe Williams book she found that they lengthen labour by an average of 36 minutes. Which as she said is a) not exactly the hours and hours you might be envisioning when you're told about this, and b) it's 36 minutes of not being in excruciating pain, which does rather make a difference.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 21:17

No AnotherEmma you are right women are not just incubators FFS but men are not just sperm banks it's just as much his baby as it is hers when it's conceived.

But hey ho that's just my opinion no need to to get so angry about it. We don't agree you think I'm wrong I think your wrong but the world keeps turning.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 17/04/2017 21:22

But it's her body that pain relief would have an effect on, so her choice.
If it was any other medical procedure the use of pain relief would have been encouraged, if not automatic.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 21:22

As I said before, I agree it's his baby too, but until it's born, it's in her body.

I find your position strange especially given that you've actually given birth yourself.

I'm not angry though, don't know where you got that idea.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 21:23

I have at no point said he shouldn't be her choice if anything I've said all along it's her choice and the midwife should have listened to her and not the DH's opinion. I don't know how else to say it.

twinjocks · 17/04/2017 21:25

The other issue is the midwife. We all know that epidurals are frowned upon in this country because of the cost and the cost only! You need an anaesthetist for them, and when you think that birthing center do not offer that option, but have to transfer you to a hospital..

This comment from an OP finally makes sense of One Born Every Minute for me. I don't live in the UK, and every time I watch this show, I'm amazed by the negativity about epidurals expressed by both midwives and patients. I now think that staff are clearly told to do as much as possible to divert women from choosing epidurals, and women are given overly negative spin about them prior to and during births.

I had epidurals with both my DC - the first was an absolute game-changer in what had up to then been a completely frightening, out of control experience (back to back labour also). Epidural gave me some control in what was happening. Second time around, there were 13 emergency C-sections that day in the hospital, so by the time I got my epidural, it was too late for it to work. I preferred the first birth!!!

OP, I hope your conversation with your DH gives you some peace and resolution, and I definitely think you should complain about the midwife.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 21:27

I'm interested to hear what impact you think the father's equal genetic contribution should have on the pain relief issue, and what that might look like in practice. People say lots of things about this, but never seem to nail down what that might mean, especially in the event of disagreement.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 21:29

Of course Dads-to-be need an input but it doesn't trump that of the person giving birth

Why do they need an input? They've nothing to do with the labour. It'll happen even if they aren't there.

Naicehamshop · 17/04/2017 21:34

They do not have the right to have input on their wives pain relief.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 21:34

I didn't say his opinion should have an impact on the pain relief issue I just said he was entitled to one since it's his baby aswell.

Although an epidural is relatively safe it can have side effects and I think the mother and the father are entitled to have reservations about it.

Did not say at any point that his reservations/opinions/worries should have trumped the ops but he is allowed to express them.

And once again the midwife, the medically trained professional, should have listened to her patient and organised an epidural for her if that's what she was requesting. I really don't know how else to put it.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 21:36

As I keep saying, they haven't even the right time be in the room.

I wonder why so many posters are so afraid of women directing their own labour without a man's oversight and approval?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/04/2017 21:39

Under British law the father has no say until the baby is born. End Of. The mother can abort the baby at 23 weeks, drink her weight in vodka every night, take part in extreme sports, keep the baby even though her partner doesn't want to be a parent, go to baby yoga, think baby yoga is a load of tosh, have an epidural, refuse an epidural, refuse to go to hospital and insist on an unassisted home birth, refuse a c-section even if it would save the life of the baby or all of the above. And the father has No Say Whatsoever.

In fact - if the couple are not married then the father has no say until his partner puts him on the birth certificate or a court (post DNA tests) declares him the father. My db's partner is currently 38 weeks with their first child. They have been together a decade and planned the baby together. The last I heard they were considering Lucy or Emma for the name. However, if SIL decides in a post partum haze that she wants to call the baby "Trixie-Tally-Moonshine" then there is absolutely sod all that Db can do about it.....

JacquesHammer · 17/04/2017 21:41

I wonder why so many posters are so afraid of women directing their own labour without a man's oversight and approval

Does having a discussion constitute requiring someone's "oversight and approval"? For me it was really useful to talk the whole birthing process through with ex-H to work out what I actually did/didn't want

Naicehamshop · 17/04/2017 21:43

What is being discussed here IS the pain relief issue! You appear to have argued yourself round in a complete circle. Confused

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