Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Didn't say you did blue, that's why I wanted clarification. TBH I'm still not sure what you mean. You're talking about being entitled to express reservations, but since the father isn't actually entitled to be there anyway that's difficult to reconcile really.

Does having a discussion constitute requiring someone's "oversight and approval"?

Nope, but endorsing the idea that your mannos has the right to veto an epidural if requested by a labouring woman doesn't.

Why on earth would he say no? Was it fear that something would go wrong and happen to you? Have you asked him?
Next time (if there is on), make sure you wee very vocal early on about what YOU want!

Oops, typo after typo

Marklah that's a harrowing tale

It's like some new
Level of nightmare - abusive partners refusing pain relief

That's reallly really sad story

As for why dh was so against epidurals, it was for the reasons discussed in the antenatal class. That is can slow things down and you may need assistance to deliver. I understood those risks too but to be quite honest the pain just overwhelmed me and they were risks I was willing to take.

He never vocalised how he felt beforehand. We really didn't talk about the labour, what to expect, pain relief options etc... I was naive and thought that a bit of gas and air would manage any pain I had. I realised now how clueless I was.

Actually I don't think the fact the baby is genetically his and/or he intends to be an involved co-parent does 'give him the right to express an opinion'. I think birth partners should advocate on behalf of the woman giving birth.

If someone grants you medical power of attorney, this means you are obliged to express what they would have wanted not what you want.

I think you're right about it being your body and your choice. I think the MW was out of order in being complicit too. We all know birth plans are not followed properly anyway. I wanted a 100% natural with no episiotomy and the mw decided that wasn't happening and got the scissors out!

"Refusing a woman the pain relief she wants during labour is a form of abuse in my view."

This. /\

Midwives are fairly naturally biased against epidurals - we know they slow things down , we know about the cascade of interventions etc . As wonderful as they are - they are often a pre cursor to a more complex birth

midwife was doing her job

Sorry, but I would disagree. I'm not biased against epidurals. It's not my place to be biased against anything. It's my job to present factual information so a woman can make a choice and then support her with that choice. For some women a pain free labour but slightly longer and with a higher chance of an instrumental is a much better option. Other women might be horrified at the possibility of a forceps so decide against the epidural. There's no right or wrong decision, it's what's best for that individual at that time! I don't think it's a midwifes job to repeatedly tell a woman who is asking for an epidural that they don't need one.

Haven't read the thread. Answer is NO

Jacques
"For me it was really useful to talk the whole birthing process through with ex-H to work out what I actually did/didn't want"
The key is in the wording. You said "what I wanted", not "we" or "he". Of course it can be helpful for a woman to discuss the options with her partner and even hear his opinions - but the ultimate outcome is that she decides what she wants.
It seems the OP's husband felt entitled to decide on her behalf.

Utter bastard.

His pain, his choice. He had no right to make any form of decision for you. His job was to support you in whatever way was needed.

AnotherEmma yup - was responding to a previous poster's terminology. Earlier post of mine clearly agrees with you!

Haha NO! Half the time not even mum gets to decide!.

didn't say his opinion should have an impact on the pain relief issue I just said he was entitled to one since it's his baby aswell.

No he really doesn't. Any more than I get a say in the pain relief for his vasectomy or root canal.

I'd like to think most partners can suppress their own ego long enough to focus on the need of the labouring woman. If they can't do that they don't belong in the labour room and the woman is better off with a friend whilst the father doing the traditional pacing and boiling of hot towels (or whatever) outside. Where he can talk all the bollocks he wants.

He never vocalised how he felt beforehand. We really didn't talk about the labour, what to expect, pain relief options etc..

This is the crux of the issue in my opinion. To be trying to make serious decisions during something like labour is madness. You were at antenatal classes and yet you didn't discuss this or have a labour plan? Madness.

I can't really see why you're so angry at him and not annoyed at yourselves as a couple for not being better prepared for the reality of labour.

Maybe some of the pain and trauma is being felt as anger now? Misplaced onto your husband?

I don't think it's a midwifes job to repeatedly tell a woman who is asking for an epidural that they don't need one.

• but we read on MN that MW do exactly this.

Whilst I completely agree with the majority of posters on this thread, its your choice, he gets no say etc if DH is not generally controlling do try to talk to him properly about it to see where he was coming from. I have a lovely DH. We have been together 17 years. He has never tried to control me or any decision I make, he never would and would never want to. His primary concern in life is now and always has been what would make me happy. We had twins nearly 10 years ago. Like you we didn't really have a birth plan other than get through it. I was induced at 38 weeks as they didn't like twins to go past that date. My twins were happy inside and not really ready. It took 1.5 days to start labour. By this point we were knackered. my induced contractions were painful and dilation was slow. I asked right from the start of these painful drug-induced contractions when can I have an epidural. Once I was finally dilated enough I said yes, get me an epidural. the midwife questioned this and asked if I really wanted one now that things had just started moving. I was not really myself by this point and said yes but somehow it didn't really register with him. He answered for me that no we would wait. I was flabbergasted but clearly not acting like myself (as usually I'd hand his arse to him on a plate), he was also over-wrought and not acting like himself. When I spoke to him later and asked him why he didn't advocate for me he said he thought he was even though I had said yes. We just weren't communicating properly in that highly stressed situation, he thought he was doing the best, the MW had her own agenda and I wasn't acting like the usually confident person that I am. I managed to get mt pain relief a short time after, by repeating myself so i don't have as much to be annoyed about as you do but I just know he didn't mean to push his own views at my expense it was just the situation. Maybe it was for yours too, try to talk about it and understand him if you think he deserves it.

I am not surprised you are angry about it!

My experience was very similar to yours, back to back baby,loose idea to try water birth and all natural but maybe all the drugs. Right up until, after about 10 hours of b2b labour, I decided it was most definitely epidural time. At that point my stbexh said "I think that's a really good idea babe, let's tell the midwife right now" and then spent the next 5 hours hating the anti epidural midwife almost as much as I did.

I did get the epidural in the end though. Absolutely outrageous that he didn't have your back when you were at your most vulnerable.

As a side note - I had no idea that anti epidural midwives were relatively common until after I'd given birth.

If there's a next time, I will not be putting up with that shit at all. I was a bit cowed by the opinion of the medical professional which just led to me being in agony 5 hours longer than I needed to be.

I can't really see why you're so angry at him and not annoyed at yourselves

Really? I'd never heard of a birth plan until I was pregnant and my community midwife advised us to have one.

The OP had apparently pisspoor advice from her official ante natal classes or that her midwives found the lack of a birth plan 'refreshing' .

However the big issue is not the apparent poor quality of support from the professionals but the fact that when push came to shove her partner gave her no support and actively went against what she needed because he had decided she should not have an epidural. Please do not push the blame back onto OP for this.

Angry at 'yourselves as a couple'? Eh?

(A) it's her choice about pain relief. Not her partner's OR her birth partner's - whether or not they are the same thing

(B) It's not rocket science: many of us go into labour thinking "I'll take it as it comes" what with labour being rather unpredictable

(C) many of us decide oh hell this hurts a lot, I'll take maximum pain relief

(D) see A above.

I had an epidural with DS1 and it was an awful experience. I asked DH to remind me of this if I asked for an epidural with DS2. He did remind me but was supportive of my decision to have a second epidural (which fortunately was a better experience than the first).

Not his body, not his choice. Though not unhelpful for him to be aware of what you are hoping for and to confirm it is what you want during labour.

Isadora2007 I agree we should have been more prepared but we went to the classes, one of them was on labour. They talked though the various options but the main message was that labour is different for everyone and so you can't know in advance how things will go. This is also the message I got from others with people telling me birth plans were 'pointless' and that they'd just been upset when their birth hadn't gone to plan.

All this being the case we just thought we'd take it as it comes. I had no clue how painful it would be (how could I) and I he no clue that dh would pipe up as being so anti epidurals when the crunch came.

No denying we should have been better prepared but you don't get chance to prepare for many serious and stressful situations and you still expect your partner to have your back and support you. Just because dh hadn't had ample warning and there wasn't a plan in place doesn't / shouldn't stop him from supporting me.

You've said you were 'clueless', he was acting in the best, and only information he had, from your classes. He was t the one in labour but he was probably anxious, maybe scared, maybe feeling out of his depth, panicking and probably doing what he thought was best for you and the baby. Lack of communication before birth and not talking about it since - there does seem to be a communication problem in your relationship. It doesn't seem fair to blame all this on him, particularly as you are assuming about his motives, thoughts and feelings rather than actually finding g out about them.