Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
NewUserNameHere · 17/04/2017 16:34

You've already been told so by lots of posters but sany white lie you give to make it easier for your daughter is fine.

In the future maybe you can tell the truth but for now, tummy bugs or any other untruth is perfectly excusable.
At the least, cancelling plans will show (reinforce) to your daughter that her well being comes above anything else.

As for telling others the truth, that's a completely different situation and I wouldn't suggest asking on AIBU about such a serious situation.

NewUserNameHere · 17/04/2017 16:35

sany = small

Catherinebee85 · 17/04/2017 16:44

@floggingmolly
Who said they were blue lighted?

This is just a desperate mum wanting help for her daughter.

OP I hope you and she get the support you both need xx

Hercules12 · 17/04/2017 16:47

The op did exactly the right thing.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 17/04/2017 17:00

You've done exactly the right thing and you're in the best place OP. So sorry she's so poorly Flowers

Buxtonstill · 17/04/2017 17:05

So sorry to hear all you are going through. I also used to volunteer with Childline. Try and encourage her to talk to them. Going for a drive is alo a good time to talk with her, as she won't feel she has to look you in the face when talking to you.

GlitteryFluff · 17/04/2017 17:18

You've done the right thing.
Flowers for you and your dd.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 17:42

Hate seeing Dd like this ,she's hysterical and absolutely hates me right now Sad . She's been seen by a psychiatrist who also spoke to me and had her self harm cleaned up . staying on the paediatric ward until camhs see her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 17/04/2017 17:45

She will get over it, op. Dd understands now and although wishes we hadn't got her help, knows that as parents we had no choice.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 17:55

I know it's the best thing for her,it just escalated so quickly. The psychiatrist said it's not unusual for ptsd like symptoms to happen a month or two after a traumatic event.

OP posts:
NotOneThingButAnother · 17/04/2017 18:04

Wow Wobble I've been upstairs cleaning all day and then about half an hour ago I thought I must come and see how you are doing.

Well, you've been amazing. I had a feeling it would escalate today, and I think some of the other posters did too - you did exactly the right thing and to think you are having to call all these shots on your own too. She will blame you and hate you, I think you know that. Helplines are for another time, now you can only put yourselves in the hands of the people at the hospital and hope for the best - sounds like they have come up for you so far.

MrsTwix · 17/04/2017 18:05

Well done, you have done all the right things and I hope she will get the help she needs now, it must be so hard for her and for you. I'm sorry you don't have rl support but I'm thinking of you

Graphista · 17/04/2017 18:11

Well done for making a difficult and unpopular decision to protect your daughter. Really hope this means you will both get the help and support you need.

She'll have been nervous because she probably was in her mind thinking of worst case scenario (strait jacket padded cell) but of course that's not happened and so hopefully she's feeling a bit more cared for and calm.

Catherinebee85 · 17/04/2017 18:13

I'm so glad she's getting the support so quickly after it happening. She will hate you for not knowing it was going on and not protecting her. Please don't feel guilty. Abusers are cunning, secretive, vile creatures.

I really hope she's given the tools to express her feelings appropriately. So many bottle it up which is even more damaging.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 18:36

Thank you all so much ,honestly,I wouldn't of known what to do without all the advice I got on hereStar. Dd is still very hysterical but the staff here have been great at trying to calm her down.

Hopefully now we are on the right track on getting better xx

OP posts:
blackjumper · 17/04/2017 18:36

Have NC'd for this post.

We went through self harming with DSD, though not triggered by the events your DD sadly experienced. I won't lie, it was very hard.

Getting a therapist she felt comfortable with took a long time. Just because someone is qualified doesn't mean their approach/personality are a good fit. I think this is worth bearing in mind as we almost gave up on counselling as it "wasn't working" for her - but finding the right person suddenly meant we saw a big improvement in her mental health and healing.

Another thing to mention was we went through her room with a fine tooth comb to remove any objects she could use to harm herself with. She hated us doing this, but I'm not sure what other option we had at the time. Yet she was still cutting.

Eventually we found she has been unscrewing the blades from pencil sharpeners and hiding them in the blu tack used to hang up her posters - only because she eventually told us as the therapy started to work.

Honestly we thought we had covered everything, but you need to be super vigilant and tbh I'm not sure the trust we lost in cleaning her room was worth it - if they want to harm they seem to find a way to do it.

I really wish you all the best and leave you with the thought that DSD has come out the other side and is now in a really good place emotionally. I appreciate the circumstances are different, but the right support can really make a massive difference Flowers.

namegechanged · 17/04/2017 18:41

Been following since the beginning and think you're doing brilliantly. You made a very hard call, but I also think it was the right one. Flowers

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 19:00

I'm glad your DSD is doing well now.
I will keep that in mind when removing sharp objects from DDs room and for when she goes through therapy. Thank you blackjumper

Thank you so much namechanged

OP posts:
ChestyNut · 17/04/2017 19:02

You're doing the best for DD OP although she won't recognise that at the minute.

I hope she gets the help she needs Flowers

yellowfrog · 17/04/2017 19:34

So much sympathy. Just a thought, but try to find something she can do in place of self harming. Popping bubblewrap, stamping on egg boxes, ripping something to shreds or listening to music dead loud on headphones for example. Self harm can be calming and give a feeling of control, and you need to replace it with something when you ask a person to stop doing it. Best wishes to you and your DD.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 17/04/2017 19:35

Wobble Do you have a Kindle or tablet / phone that can receive ebooks? Was thinking about sending you an egiftcard so you can get some books about it that are discretely tucked away, giving you an idea how to handle things, what to expect, how you can help.

I thought an ebook would be better as she won't see it so won't be triggered.

Really hope there's an improvement today or help is in place. It's a shame your PCT don't fund online counselling.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 17/04/2017 19:37

Also with the evoucher for £1.99 you can buy stress fidget cubes that might be a good distraction and relieving.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B01MZXOR7M/ref=srph?ie=UTF8&qid=1492454214&sr=1&pi=ACCSX236SY3400QL65&keywords=fidget+cubes

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 19:43

Thank you yellowfrog I have been given a leaflet on coping mechanisms for her and is something I will help her with x

fairytales that is so kind of you ,I am so touched, can you pm me please xx thank you

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 17/04/2017 19:50

OP as a parent you are legally entitled to parental leave, they can't do anything against you for using this, although it's likely you won't get paid. So whilst they're not happy, it's tough shit on them, you have bigger priorities.

I'm sorry things have escalated, she's in the right hands now, hopefully she'll take the first step in a long journey.

Are you going to stay overnight with her?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 17/04/2017 19:59

Send DM, ill keep checking periodically, but know you're busy.

Does anyone know of good books on child mental health / abuse / PTSD to help OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread