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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 23/04/2017 16:48

Hi wobble. You're doing fantastically and managing this really well. Your daughters mental health comes before school and exams. Email the school or phone and tell them she won't be in until she's well and you don't know when that will be. You will get support from the maudsley for doing what ever you have to. It's a shift in thinking. We always thought it was important dd does well at school but actually surviving and being alive is more important.

sheepashwap · 23/04/2017 16:50

I'd do the same as you would if she woke up tomorrow morning with norovirus: keep her off. Don't send her into school, regardless of what school says! You need her to get better. Sending her in to keep up attendance or whatever will definitely not help that in any way at all.

Hercules12 · 23/04/2017 16:51

Even if they say she needs to go in, you don't send her in. It's not their job to decide she's well enough to cope with school.dd has the odd day off and a stretch of days here and there. It's never been an issue and I know I'd have support from camhs if needed.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 23/04/2017 19:17

I've sent an email to the head of year and will be calling up tomorrow.Hopefully the school don't give me hassle about it.

OP posts:
sheepashwap · 23/04/2017 21:58

Hopefully not, but if they do, ignore them. They've a school to run. You've a daughter to keep safe. The two are not compatible right now given what's happened.

NotOneThingButAnother · 23/04/2017 22:30

Wobble all they will want is a doctor's note eventually; they can't insist you send her in. If they are at all bothered, they will inform the Education Welfare Officer at the local authority and as soon as you tell the EWO that she is being treated for mental health issues they will just drop it. Don't let them pressure you.

I've got to say school sounds like an unhealthy place for her at the moment. There are other options and she can take her GCSEs next year. There's only 6 weeks or so of school left, I really wouldn't bother, and reassure her that it doesn't matter too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/04/2017 01:44

Agreed - she can be off for a couple of days before they even need a doctor's note, so just keep her home.

Jaynorth · 24/04/2017 02:43

Definitely doesn't sound like she's ready to go to school when she's feeling so raw and it's not a supportive place.

Hope Camhs get a move on, she really needs professional support right now. Are you able to go private at alll? Just because with camhs it's a bit hit and miss how good the person you get allocated is - although most seem ok. But help now could prevent or minimise lifelong problems. I've had a really rough time getting over CSA when it all bubbled up in my twenties and am lucky to be here today. I used to work with girls who had similar experiences professionally and saw what a difference good psychotherapy to work through the emotional upheaval early on can make.

It's great (and rare in my experience) that your daughter has got such a supportive mum and not one where your daughter needs to hide her feelings because mum is having a breakdown herself. Try to get your own support and look after yourself too!

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 26/04/2017 06:39

Thank you all. She hasn't gone back to school. We had a meeting on Tuesday to discuss everything and they want her to think about coming in for half days or working in a little room by herself . I don't see the point in that when she can work at home by herself if she wants to and she doesn't really need the stress of school right now Hmm

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 26/04/2017 18:18

Thanks for the update, op. Stick to what you think is best. Her mental health is the most important thing.

NotOneThingButAnother · 26/04/2017 19:02

Thank you Wobble we are all behind you waiting to hear how things are. You are doing brilliantly. It must be so hard for you each day but you are keeping strong.

NotOneThingButAnother · 26/04/2017 19:08

Have a look at this link; you would need to contact the local authority EWO to see what's on offer in your area - the school should be able to provide more support as well. As its early days (in their eyes) they are probably just hoping she'll get better soon:

^"If your child’s going to be away for a long time, the local council will make sure they get as normal an education as possible. This could include arranging:

home teaching
a hospital school or teaching service
a combination of home and hospital teaching
The local council must make sure your child continues to get a full time education - unless part time is better for their health needs.

The local council should also:

have a senior officer in charge of the arrangements and a written policy explaining how they’ll meet their responsibilities
make sure your child isn’t without access to education for more than 15 school days
arrange education from the start of your child’s absence if it’s clear they’re going to be away from school for long and recurring periods"^

www.gov.uk/illness-child-education

ButtonLoon · 29/04/2017 15:15

Hi Wobble, I've been watching your thread. Flowers

If you do decide to deregister DD and home ed her, there are ways that home ed children can take GCSEs - it depends on the area that you live in. While DD is signed off you could think about contacting your local home ed community and asking about options - she won't be the only child who has ever begun home ed partway through her GCSEs.

itstimeforchange · 29/04/2017 15:49

Hi Wobble, I've just come across this thread. I just wanted to say, as someone who has gone through similar things to this, you are dealing with this fantastically well. Flowers I really feel for your poor darling daughter Sad

"13 reasons why" was mentioned up-thread - it has 'hopeful' and positive elements at the end but is also VERY triggering all the way through, so yes, I would definitely recommend not letting her see any more of it!

With self harm (not that you are doing this - you sound like you have just the right amount of sensible), be careful to not be too quick to try and 'fix' it, but finding ways to cope instead (e.g. elastic bands or punch bags etc) can be helpful. There can be so much rage and pain that needs to get out - SH is an outlet for that.

Also yes to keeping her off school. It sounds a very unhelpful place to be in her current frame of mind.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 01/05/2017 13:36

Thank you all for the advice,especially with home schooling. Things have calmed down a bit and Dd is getting the help she needs now. She wants to go back to school tomorrow,she's saying being off makes her feel really lonely .

OP posts:
Copperas · 01/05/2017 14:10

Glad to hear she is getting support

Hercules12 · 01/05/2017 17:09

Hi wobble. Glad things are beginning to work out. Your dd sounds very brave. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/05/2017 17:59

I am pleased things are a little better for your daughter. Perhaps she could do half days for a while so it's not too much straight away?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 14/05/2017 08:49

It's been a while since I've been on this thread. Dd has been getting on well at school despite a few issues and them not being very understanding.

The support she's had has been great though I'm a bit worried because we're half way through (3 sessions left ) and 6 sessions doesn't seem enough as Dd is still really unstable.

I've spoken to her about going to the police but she's not too sure,it's more the fear of not knowing what will happen and what the outcome will be.

Thank you all so much xx

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 14/05/2017 09:36

I've read the thread, wobble. So sorry to hear your dd is going through this. So they really only offer 6 sessions? That's terrible.sometimes you need to fight for more. Don't think: someone needs it more than me. I hope the counsellor will insist on more too, but don't leave it up to m. Try and phone then and ask what world be the process to get her longer term help.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 14/05/2017 09:52

Apparently only 6 sessions would be beneficial because it's quite intense . It's with a ptsd specialist so I will chase up and see if she can get cbt from camhs. Dd has only just started to open up and trust the therapist and now it won't be long until she stops seeing her Confused

OP posts:
Screamifuwant2gofaster · 14/05/2017 10:47

I would do everything you can to get your dd further counselling. 6 sessions will barely have been enough time for her to start to trust therapist. Your poor daughter.

I would ask to meet with lead therapist/ possibly get PALS involved- if this is clearly a funding issue...Write to commissioner ask if they would be willing to fund extra sessions.

In purely financial terms, it is far cheaper for nhs trust to fund long term therapeutic support than a lengthy stay in hospital. The right support at the right time can stop a patient from need ming admitted.

Hope things improve for you and your family over next few months.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 14/05/2017 11:11

Thank you. I will speak to them tomorrow and find out what happens after the 6 sessions.

I was promised by her school that she would see the counsellor but that hasn't happened yet. They haven't been very helpful when she said had breakdowns in class either. I just want my little girl back 😞

OP posts:
Screamifuwant2gofaster · 14/05/2017 17:52

Personally (if this hasn't already happened) I would arrange to meet with someone senior in the school- head of year/ head teacher?? Keep a written record of what is discussed. Explain how concerned you are about your dd and that you are desperate for her to access counselling. Ask when it will be available/ is there any way of bringing it forwards. Hopefully school will work with you to get your dd counselling soon. If head says she will look into it, ask that she phones you for an update in a set date.

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