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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/04/2017 11:10

Not just suicide, Wobble - abuse as well.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 19/04/2017 11:37

Thank you so much for the warning.

OP posts:
purpleprincess24 · 19/04/2017 13:08

I just wanted to say that your DD is lucky to have a Mum like you ❤️

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 19/04/2017 13:18

Thank you purple ,I'm trying my best x

OP posts:
Mollie85 · 19/04/2017 17:52

Just came on to second what some posters have said - you sound like a brilliant mum. Hope things have improved somewhat today Flowers

weatherbomb · 19/04/2017 18:28

Another one dropping in to say what a great mum you are and how brave your DD is being. Now that she's 'in the system' (so to speak) she should get all the professional help and support she needs, just don't forget about yourself Flowers

pleasecomesoonspring · 20/04/2017 11:30

How is your daughter doing?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 20/04/2017 16:17

Thank you mollie and weatherbomb.

Today has been a lot better pleasecomesoonspring , thank you. Had a little mother and daughter day in the park,having a go at photography and she really opened up to me.

I've been sleeping in her room with her. I noticed she self harmed last night,we've got a follow up appointment because I took her to a&e so I'll mention it then.

Someone on here mentioned TESS support line for self harming and we got a journal from them that she started working through today. Hopefully it will help.

Got to tackle school next week and hope the referral to maudsley comes through soon .

Thank you so much everyone FlowersStar

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 20/04/2017 16:19

glad she is doing better wobble! here's hoping the support you have been able to access will help her heal!

pleasecomesoonspring · 20/04/2017 17:18

Glad she has managed to open up to you

MrsTwix · 20/04/2017 17:40

Star mum

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 20/04/2017 20:50

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Graphista · 20/04/2017 22:06

Not been back for a while but so glad to read things are gradually improving.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 22/04/2017 18:37

I can see why some say it gets worse before it gets better Sad . One step forward,two steps back

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 22/04/2017 18:42

How are things going today Wobble?

Graphista · 22/04/2017 18:53

What's going on today?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 22/04/2017 19:29

Dd had some friends over,I thought great she's socialising. I let the girls know that Dd has been upset recently so she's a bit sensitive at the moment (Dd wanted me to tell them). Only after they leave,Dd tells me they came over to tell her that everyone in the year hates her ,she's weird,she's too quiet,she doesn't fit in and that they can be friends but can't be seen together at school.

Dd is extremely upset as these were the only two friends she has at school. She had some issues with a group of girls a few months back but the school were useless at dealing with the situation and told Dd she just needed to talk more and smile more but things settled and she made friends with the two girls.

Her arms are completely covered in cuts,she says she's so desperate to 'not exist'. Something reminded her of what happened to her and she just zoned out and started shaking. It's horrible seeing my girl like this Sad
Everything is all happening at the wrong time. She's due back to school on Monday .

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 22/04/2017 20:57

@wobbleeaster - have you considered deregistering your dd from the school system for a while? or at the very least asking your GP to sign her off. she needs to focus on getting better not the bullying at school.

you poor things, just when something seems to be starting to go your way this happens - I wish I had more advice

pleasecomesoonspring · 22/04/2017 21:47

I'd think about getting her signed off at least til she's seen camhs then ask them for advice

foxyloxy78 · 23/04/2017 00:27

I would definitely consider signing her off from school. She needs to focus on getting better.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 23/04/2017 07:55

I'm going to get her signed off by the gp. I wish I took her out and home schooled earlier. Not sure it would be the best thing now as she's already studying for GCSEs

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/04/2017 08:14

I'm so sorry your DD and you are going through this. I'm glad she's finally going to get treatment though, and you're not going through it alone now.

As a survivor of abuse I'd just point out that telling everyone, as some posters have suggested, would be a massively damaging thing to do. You'd lose her trust, and the betrayal would be huge. And then once it's out, it's out and it will spread. So your dds mental and emotional health will be dependent on what everyone else thinks and the way they react. And I cannot stress enough, do not rely on others responding in an appropriate way. People can be shit and they can do massive and lasting damage. Sadly, this is the reality of any 'news' like this... people can be shockingly awful and it's not necessarily from the people you expect.

Not saying keep it a secret, just respect your dds boundaries as much as you can and limit any sharing of this.

Certainly don't throw your DD under the bus for the 'greater good' because 'others have the right to know'.

TBH your concern needs to be entirely focused on your DD, especially as others will not be. Everyone will come at this from their own perspective, which may not be at all conducive to protecting and helping your child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2017 09:22

Oh wow, so sorry that happened to your DD - I don't think much of her "friends" either, if this is the sort of thing they say to her, that's hardly supportive! Jeez. Who'd be a teen these days :( - I mean it was bad enough when I was one 30 years ago, but now...

I think getting her signed off school is a really good idea, with a view to potentially de-registering her entirely. She needs to be seen ASAP by the psych people though.

Disgusted with the school's attitude - I hate this business of telling her to "smile more" and make more effort to fit in - one of my nieces has Asperger's and that's what they told her too, when she was being ostracised and bullied. AS though that's going to make any fucking difference! Angry on her behalf (and yours) because that is just so victim-blamey and cop-out on the side of the school - useless!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/04/2017 10:29

Wobble you're doing brilliantly for your daughter and I'm glad she's finally getting help. I know it's hard, but by being there for her and loving her she'll get through this.

Forget her GCSEs, they're not the be all and end all. I have students doing their degree who don't have a GCSE or A level to their name - there are many alternative pathways. Or if at some point she really needs them, she can study them at college when she's older. Concentrate on her mental health and getting her well again. Right now that is far more important.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 23/04/2017 16:16

The gp doesn't open on Sundays. Do I just call the school and explain the situation to pastoral staff. I'm worried they'll say she has to go in until I get her signed off

OP posts: