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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 16/04/2017 11:01

Cancel, of course. Show your daughter you take her wellbeing seriously, and make sure she doesn't take on any guilt over today x

hhorvath · 16/04/2017 11:02

Family events like Easter and Christmas are often big triggers, as abuse may have occurred at those times, or the abuse survivor may have had to pretend to be all happy families whilst secretly being abused and feeling rotten. Your poor DD

Trb17 · 16/04/2017 11:02

I'm glad you're protecting her and it must be awful to feel so tied if she doesn't want to talk.

Perhaps she could write things down as a method to not have to say it out loud. Just a thought and might not help her.

Hopefully someone may be along soon who knows if you have any recourse legally speaking and where to go for help.

Cary2012 · 16/04/2017 11:03

Tell DD through the door, "Think it's best to cancel today, I'll phone around and tell them I have tummy bug. I'll do that after I've just had a cuppa". This might initiate her talking, so you can go from there.

Take the decision away from her. She may be relieved you did.

Then take her a brew and ask her if she'd like to do something nice later.

diddl · 16/04/2017 11:04

Of course you should cancel.

Oh your poor daughter.

So he would usually be there today?

So as well all she has gone through she is perhaps as well blaming herself for the day now being different/spoiled(in her opinion?) and that she should have said nothing?

How confusing for her & what a burden-probably feeling ashamed & guilty when those should be his feelings entirely & not hers at all.

Does she want you to tell the others?

highinthesky · 16/04/2017 11:04

Some serious counselling is required stat. I am surprised at the delay in this case.

Were the police not able to offer a victim support service even though there is no prosecution pending? Childline (now part of the NSPCC) can help, do encourage DD to call them as often as she needs to.

Flowers
MrsJayy · 16/04/2017 11:04

Your poor Dd cancel say she isn't well and leave it at that. Can he not be prosecuted anyway even if your dd doesn't want to ? I am sorry your child is going through this

neonrainbow · 16/04/2017 11:06

Offer her the choice to cancel. If you do cancel just lie and says you're ill, not her. But she might actually want to do it. Id go up and tell her through the door if she wants to talk just let you know, or if she wants to go for A walk then you'll go with her but don't try and push her to talk if she doesn't want to.

MrsJayy · 16/04/2017 11:07

Oh wobbleeaster i missed your last post that is horrific.

kateandme · 16/04/2017 11:07

could you ask her what she wants to do today.go out grab a movie and mooch in front of tv.or if she doesn't want to go out ask her to post a list under the door and you can cook together then watch movie with duvets.have a calming trigger free day.
one thing that struck a cord which helped us here was asking her what shed feel towards this abuser or what shed think or tell a friend that had had the same done to them.would she think they should miss them?how would she explain to them how wrong he was to do this to her friend.how would she help care for them and comfort them.it then takes it away from her and enables her to "wait that's wrong he cant do that to my friend"! way of looking at it.instead of beign in her own hea and being confused shes then able to see it outwards.(If that makes any sense :/)
I would be wary of telling people.to your dc this could be a great betrail and send her backwards.
this unknowingly happened with us and she felt so exposed and somehow it ran alongside the abuse as in making her feel revealed,stripped of herself and her own privacy even more so.
abuse has so many parallels and triggers to every day life.its anything to do with stripping the person of control,innocence,choice,privacy
you sound like you doing the very best you an and big hugs to you today.its not easy for you either and must be terribly painful.keep going.its never a said rule on what should be done.you know her so play it by ear and figure it out together.tell her you might get it wrong.tell her you make mistakes with this but you love her and only ever want to be there,comfort and get her fighting through this.big hugs.xx

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 11:08

Restraining order against him might be something to consider. Psychologically, that could be a barrier for her to have. I'd be telling every single mutual acquaintance!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:08

It sounds as though she won't necessarily feel safe around these people even though they're family. Poor thing, she's suffering from some big confusing feelings and I would cancel. Centre on her. Whatever that means. Taking her out, drawing in her room, watching tv or going to the cinema etc. The last thing she needs is potential disapproving looks of adults, who have no idea as to the source of her distress.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/04/2017 11:09

Can you not afford to make private specialist counselling an absolute priority?

originalbiglymavis · 16/04/2017 11:11

I would cancel - because your girl is upset and distressed and because it will turn in to a 'so why isn't x here?' This is not the one or place for that discussion.

Call off sick, make a nice dinner and watch a movie. remind your daughter that she is very important to you and that she is your priority - not a leg of lamb and some eggs.

Please make sure you have the help and support you need - ask for it. Your friends will support you (and if they don't they are arses). Focus on you and close family and build that protective shield around it. I'm sorry that you are living with this.

colouringinagain · 16/04/2017 11:11

I would cancel. Your dd is your priority.

As someone above said can anyone else cook and host? I would go with you having a tummy bug today, not add to the current situation by telling everyone what's actually going on. That can wait til tomorrow, next week....

As someone else said, you make the decision, your poor dd has enough to deal with. Tell her what's happening eg phonecalls and then you're going to make her a special hot choc (or other treat) and she can come down when she feels able. No pressure.

Flowers for you both.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 16/04/2017 11:12

I think you should call a doctor out especially if she has locked herself in her room. At least you talk to them. Your daughter must be floundering if this doesn't have a coherent approach. Call 111 and talk to someone. This may well also expedite the counselling. Please call.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:12

My dd saw a child psychologist privately, who came to the house. She was amazing. I really would recommend this if funds will allow.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 16/04/2017 11:13

I'm so sorry Flowers

Only you really know what she is and isn't likely to cope with so it's more about trusting yourself to go with your gut. Is there any likelihood that she's on any level looking forward to it, or would enjoy the company and distraction? If she's thinking she's going to miss this person - and poor kid, of course her feelings are all over the place - would she miss seeing the other people you were planning on having there too, as it sounds like the meal is important to her?

If it's going to be too hard for her then of course it's ok to cancel.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 16/04/2017 11:17

Btw, as a safeguarding issue and your GP knows it's my understanding that it follows that it is reported to the police. We are talking about a minor.

MooCahnt · 16/04/2017 11:18

Does this abuser know you know?

BastardGoDarkly · 16/04/2017 11:18

Oh, bless her heart, poor kid.

It sounds like you're doing the very best in an awful situation op.

I'd cancel, yes.

Hope she comes out and spends time with you soon Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2017 11:21

Oh no your poor daughter 😢 of course cancel, say you come down with a stomach bug and won't be able to host.

You need to inform other realtors of this, Ashe could do it to another child, that wod be awful. Definitely counselling. Contact NSPCC for advice too, and try and pursuade her to talk to the Police, mabey tell her that by going to the Police, it might help another child not go through the same. Massive hugs 💐💐💐

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2017 11:21

Relatives, silly auto correct

Lambzig · 16/04/2017 11:24

I think you might have to cancel. My heart absolutely goes out to both of you. But It may be that big group occasions are a big trigger for her.

Re counselling, I am appalled she hasnt got immediate help too. Agree try NSPCC. How old is she now, just trying to think who could help her? She may (or may not, but many do) feel ok to speak to the police when she has some counselling.

I also agree to be careful about telling others, particularly before she has counselling, it can be very exposing. Abuse is very disempowering, so giving her back some control over who knows or even what to do today can be helpful (obviously age appropriately and keeping her safe).

Also please know that rape crisis also provide counselling for those who support survivors of abuse. As her mother, you absolutely fit this, so if you need someone to talk to yourself, to help you with all of this, then you can call rape crisis. This is horrendous for her, but so hard for you too.

Take care of yourself. It sounds like she is very lucky to have you.

whattodowiththepoo · 16/04/2017 11:25

First thing is don't worry about anything being too extreme.

I have no advice but good luck to you and your daughter, I hope you are in a better place ASAP.

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