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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 18:13

I think op is ignoring the people asking if she can afford private counselling or child psychologist because it's a no. We saw a child psychologist, who charged around £45 an hour. Saw her for 2 hours at a time. It's expensive. But worth it if you have the means or can cut back elsewhere.

callmeadoctor · 16/04/2017 18:13

Is there a father around in any of this op?

NotOneThingButAnother · 16/04/2017 18:14

Wobble she needs help urgently. Have you tried the NSPCC as they are open now, I don't think Young Minds will be open till Tuesday. Or the emergency numbers for the main Mind, they will be able to direct you to mental health teams.

NotOneThingButAnother · 16/04/2017 18:20

I work in this field and truly believe that It is important she sees someone who has training to work with children/young people and this type of trauma. - a poster said this a few posts up, and they are 100% right, you need specialist help. This is going to go on for years, you won't get that happy child back for a while yet and you need to adjust your life accordingly - please be there for her OP.

I think when something like this happens, you always think there will be "someone" to help, "they" will sort it out. In fact whats breathtaking is how little help there is, not how much. Definitely get advice and support for yourself too OP, you'll need to become expert in how to deal with the situation. Do track down the mental health crisis team contact for tonight, in fact 111 may have it; but call NSPCC helpline now - you need advice; she's locked in her room, she might not be ok over the next 24 hours.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 16/04/2017 18:21

She might find this helpful... my DD's school have advertised it and it's NHS listed too.

Kooth online counselling

diddl · 16/04/2017 18:22

2 months is no time at all.

She has harmed herself twice today-that must be an emergency?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 18:33

I can't afford private counselling long-term and I think arrange a couple of sessions and then having to stop would not help dd.

I did call the Nspcc earlier and got advice of agencies that can help and talking to the police. They've told me to ask the gp to refer her to specialist counselling and to take her to a&e. She's refusing to go and I have tried to talk to her calmly about it,I can't exactly pick up a 15 year old and put her in the car. We don't live in an area listed on the kooth website but I have let Dd with the childline number and website.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 16/04/2017 18:45

OP, had you mentioned before that she's 15? Sorry if you had.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 16/04/2017 18:47

OP is there any reason today she is so much worse? I mean its only been 2 months but it sounds like the self harm is a new thing? is this the first time she would have been due to see that group of friends? and has she been examined since it happened?

And no, starting private counselling then stopping is probably worse than waiting to start it through NHS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 18:49

Poor kid. She's been through enough and I understand why she just wants to be at home. I'm glad you're starting to get some help and I hope you get some specialist counselling.

WomblingThree · 16/04/2017 18:50

Yes, I would be very concerned why she decided to self harm twice today. Is there possibly more than she has told you regarding these friends OP?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 18:57

I don't think I mentioned before that she is 15.

If by examined you mean medically examined she refused to do that. In regards to the mental health,the gp asked her some questions then referred her to camhs.

She hasn't said anything else about these friends,only the one person and today is the first time we planned on meeting up with the others. I don't think the other friends are involved or are aware of what has happened.

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 16/04/2017 19:01

Sorry, I meant medically. Hopefully its just the first time seeing them since sort of anxiety that's making today hard.

Graphista · 16/04/2017 19:06

It's very difficult when they're physically bigger than you and I don't think even legally you can force her to go but I think you need to keep trying to persuade her. Whenever you think she feels open to it.

Has she said why she doesn't want to go to a&e? If so perhaps if you tell us we might be able to give you a defence to her argument that might persuade her I hope that makes sense.

I do think she needs to go I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with her being alone or locked in room tonight.

It's possible she hasn't told you everything yet. Took me decades to tell it all. 2 months is very very early on. It's hard to disclose, victims feel shame, embarrassment, guilt, it's hard to find the words, often abusers have you thinking you imagined/exaggerated what happened or deny altogether, that you encouraged it...

Then there's the fact you're probably disclosing to someone close you wouldn't normally discuss this kind of thing with, who you know is also going to feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, hurt, worry...

And you don't know how they're going to react and people do react in odd ways sometimes.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 19:15

I know she hasn't told me everything that happened,all I know so far is messages and inappropriate touching which she didn't go into details about and she said he didn't rape her.

She doesn't want to go to a&e because she said it's embarrassing that she's harmed herself and doesn't want them to ask her questions or make her talk to someone

OP posts:
NotOneThingButAnother · 16/04/2017 19:32

Wobble I agree that staff at A&E would not be able to cope with this, (sadly I have some personal experience) but I know that the majority of people would like to think they would and will think my comments unhelpful. Use the Mind mental health crisis info to get mental health "A&E" if you need it tonight Wobble - you are doing all the right things to support your DD but it might get worse before it gets better.

Graphista · 16/04/2017 19:39

Where going to a&e would be good would be to ensure the wounds are treated properly and to highlight to mental health services how serious her condition is but notonethings advice might be more accurate.

It depends where you are too unfortunately there's regional variations can you even say what nhs region you're under?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 19:42

Thank you,I've been reading through the mind link.

Our region is London

OP posts:
RNBrie · 16/04/2017 19:45

I'm not sure how old your dd is, but if she's under 18 she can call Childline and request a regular call with the same person whilst she waits for chams. I used to volunteer for them and had a couple of regular callers.

I hope you've all managed to have an ok Easter. Love to you and your dd.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 20:18

Didn't know she could request the same person . Thank you . She likes the idea of the online chat

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 20:51

Dd has finally come in from the garden and gone to have a bath.

I don't want to invade her privacy but she left her phone in her room and there's messages popping up from her friend telling her not to overdose. I'm going to try and suggest she sleeps in my room tonight and watch some films together in bed,I really don't want her alone in her room

OP posts:
havingabadhairday · 16/04/2017 21:03

Staff in a&e can be unhelpful when it comes to self harm. If she is talking about suicide stay calm and do not assume that talking about it means she won't do it, I know that is a common myth.

Remember that you can call an ambulance if someone is suicidal.

wheresthel1ght · 16/04/2017 21:49

unless your DD actually does something serious I am not sure I would recommend calling an ambulance or dragging her to A&E. She will respond to it as a violation of trust and that is likely to set her back further.

I am a rape survivor, a few close friends know but I never involved the police for a variety of reasons including not being believed. I would suspect that if she is saying there wasn't a rape then she is terrified that she won't be believed on what did happen or that no one will take her seriously.

this is all still very new to her, she is struggling and that is not surprising to be honest. I would look at contacting some of the agencies you have been advised of above and ask them for who can/how you can help her further.

the nutshell is she needs to feel safe enough to open up, what happened to make her disclose in the first place? Was it directly to you or through a third party? If a third party could they talk to her and see if she will open up?

I found writing it down helped me process how I was feeling, maybe talk to her about a diary or writing you letters about what happened that she can either give you or hold on to until she is ready?

She needs to rebuild her trust in everyone including you, not because you did anything wrong but in her head you didn't notice it and therefore didn't stop it - that isn't me having a dig I promise, but from a survivors perspective.

Feel free to PM me if you want to

SparklyUnicornPoo · 16/04/2017 21:51

I think you are allowed to invade her privacy under the circumstances.

I don't think anyone's already suggested PAPYRUS which is a charity to prevent young suicide, typically they are only open 2pm - 5pm bank holidays but they may be able to help both of you tomorrow and there are some bits on their website that might help in the meantime.

Films in your room sounds like a good plan.

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