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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
Twinchaos1 · 16/04/2017 13:09

I think it is really sensible not to tell others before a police statement is made, your child being the subject of local gossip will not help her. You are also right that denial is a really common response.

I would prioritise talking to the school as she would be likely to be a high priority, although some counsellors are cautious about managing sexual abuse particularly if there hasn't been a police statement or it is pre-trial, (there are specific home office guidelines they should follow)

In our area the NSPCC has a specialist post sexual abuse therapy team but there is patchy provision nationally in the UK. CAMHS can be quite reluctant to take this work on.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job supporting her, (don't forget to get support for yourselves as well as your dd). I hope the rest of your day goes smoothly.

SuperPug · 16/04/2017 13:10

I'd cancel and perhaps gently talk to her about moving towards prosecution if possible.

Meanderer · 16/04/2017 13:12

I agree with what other poster said about getting her camhs referral escalated now. Self harm must surely make her a priority case. Call your GP office as soon as it opens and don't wait a week or two for an appointment, say it's an emergency appointment you need. Good luck with whatever you do today.

havingabadhairday · 16/04/2017 13:18

Even an actual suicide attempt is not necessarily enough to get camhs to make someone a priority.

I don't think I'd mention the police again for a bit unless she brings it up. She needs help to get through this and that may not include prosecution for the abuser at the moment.

stitchglitched · 16/04/2017 13:19

Agree with Floggingmolly. I don't understand why you would invite over mutual friends of your child's abuser who would all be wondering where he is. I'm so sorry for what you are both going through, but your daughter shouldn't have been put in this predicament today.

Pinkheart5915 · 16/04/2017 13:21

You poor dd Sad

I've no personal experience of anything like this but I think cancelling today was definitely the right thing to do, I hate to imagine what is going on the poor young girls head and being around too many people right now might be too much for her.
I also think it's sensible not to tell the whole world until you've had advice, spoken to police and got support in place for your dd. The reality is people do gossip about things and support needs to be in place before that shit starts

With the self harming try the gp (agin if you already have) and really push for some support, everything your dd has to deal with she should certainly be a priority case!

I wish your dd and you all the best

Twinchaos1 · 16/04/2017 13:22

Pushing your GP for a priority referral to CAMHS is a good idea. Low level self harm won't automatically make her a priority case is some areas, CAMHS are very stretched but the firmer you are the more likely you are to get a response. Also think about any other responses, such as possibly stomach aches or headaches, sleeping issues, eating issues, fear of being alone, issues with bathing, bed time routine issues, anger issues, so that you can present a complete picture of your DD's emotional distress and it's impact of her daily life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2017 13:22

Oh your poor DD. I do feel for her, what a horrible situation. I think you were right to cancel on the excuse of a bug though; that's probably better than putting her through the emotional turmoil, even if she did think she was able for it.

I hope that she does feel able to talk to the police about it, because he really should be brought to book for what he has done to her - I'd hate for him to get off completely. Angry :(

Hope she's feeling a bit calmer now the pressure is off. xx

WomblingThree · 16/04/2017 13:26

Yeah flogginmolly I already said something along those lines, and was ignored

Trb17 · 16/04/2017 13:27

Went for a little walk with Dd to get some flowers and talk. We've decided to cancel and let another friend have our food and host. Lots of films,chocolate and cuddles for Dd today

This sounds great, well done you Flowers ... and I'm sure your DD will find the strength through you to speak to the police soon. I hope she does as this evil monster needs to be stopped.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 16/04/2017 13:29

You are doing the right thing by following your daughters lead
Don't tell your friends why , they should trust your judgement without knowing details - let your daughter have some control over that

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 13:32

Thank you again everyone.

I know,inviting everyone over was not the wisest thing to do. Perhaps it was my way of trying to get things back to normal and have my happy little girl back instead of dealing with the issue and Dd's emotions.

I'll look at the the charties/agencies mentioned on this thread and start making a list of all the changes I've seen in Dd for the gp and school and hopefully get some immediate counselling.

She's gone back to her room and locked herself in but I've told her how she's feeling is completely normal. Wish I could make her happy again Sad

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 16/04/2017 13:35

Right OP, this makes me angry. You must go to the Head of Year, the pastoral team, Senco, all three if necessary. Your girl needs counselling and it isn't the school receptionists job to fob you off, with there's a ling waiting list. Yes, I'm sure there is, but she needs to jump the queue. Don't wait for the school to get in touch, as soon as they open get making calls.

I work in a huge High School, our counselling is stretched, but I absolutely promise you that if your girl went there, and the right people knew the situation, she'd be seen as an emergency.
Talk to Senco, special needs covers MH and self harm, ruffle feathers, kick backsides, get her seen asap.

Floggingmolly · 16/04/2017 13:35

Sorry Wombling guilty of not RTFT

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 13:36

You can certainly try for a prosecution under the Telecommunications Act, but it might be advisable to wait for any further disclosure your dd feels able to make to ensure charges are brought and that this horrible predator is properly punished.

havingabadhairday · 16/04/2017 13:47

Wobble Easter it will take time and lots of tears and hard work for her and you and the rest of the family. But you know and she's on the path to getting help now and that is so important. I didn't get help until I was in my 30s and it made such a difference to my life, and I think that overall I am happy now although it never goes away completely and occasionally something happens that triggers a memory.

It's horrendously unfair that this happens to anyone, be strong when with your daughter and be there for her. And make sure you get some support for yourself. It must be tough to be a parent in this situation but looking after yourself is important too.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 16/04/2017 13:48

Are you able to pay for any private counselling?

differentnameforthis · 16/04/2017 13:50

Yeah flogginmolly I already said something along those lines, and was ignored Do we have to do this? You can see that the op has a heartbreaking situation unfolding, and to be honest she is trying to support her daughter, and shouldn't have to defend or justify what she is doing to anyone here.

The guy has been spoken to by police, she isn't being "silent", the police won't do anything for now.

Op doesn't want her daughter put through questions/remarks etc by her friendship group, so has decided not to tell them for now. Please have some respect and do not goad the op. Your need to be heard & acknowledged is not more important than the op's need to protect & support her daughter.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 16/04/2017 13:50

Poor DD, I can totally get where she's coming from with the hating him but missing him thing, I was abused by a family friend and he did a lot to worm his way into my affections before the abuse started, breaking away from that was far harder than you would expect it to be. I've never understood why but hearing bad thing said about him hurt and then i felt like I'd made my parents choose and thought they wanted him to still be around and I felt guilty for ruining his life, I hated him but I also hated myself and blamed myself more than him, it was a very confusing time.

For now, please don't say anything about protecting other children, I wasn't the only victim of the guy who abused me, I wasn't even the first, but there were others after me and I blamed myself for not being brave enough to speak out early on. It was 6 years ago yesterday that the court case ended (it took me a while to go to the police) and he has been accused of doing the same to another girl recently and even now, knowing I've done all I could, I feel partly responsible for her pain too, your daughter doesn't need that. It needs to be up to her who she tells and when.

Films, chocolate and cuddles sounds perfect, then on Tuesday when the doctors are open make an emergency appointment about the self harm, it should bump her up the list for CAMHS.

Flowers for you, it sounds like you are doing a great job supporting her, the fact that you know so much of what she's feeling says a lot for your relationship and that's what will get her through this.

Hooleywhipper · 16/04/2017 13:59

Maybe get in touch with young minds,the charity. They are , in most areas, able to see your DD outside school and inside of school. Huge empathy for you all 💐.

WomblingThree · 16/04/2017 14:29

Sorry differentnameforthis I didn't intend to goad anyone. If you don't want to "do this" then don't.

I still think it's a fair question. As I said, the victim in all this is a child. This "man" has done things that should never happen. I don't for a nanosecond think that this poor little girl is responsible for protecting other people. I was asking her mother how she would feel if the people that she had invited to her house had any inkling that this was going on and could have protected her daughter.

I would not want to be friends with people like that. Nor would I be planning get-together with them.

Lambzig · 16/04/2017 14:55

Actually, phoning rape crisis for both of you is a good idea. (I mentioned it earlier for you) While typically they don't see young women under 16, they will be able to direct you to other agencies who may be able to see her quickly, or recommend suitably qualified private therapists (if that's a possibility for you) who are experienced in child abuse and potential pre-trial therapy.

I work in this field and truly believe that It is important she sees someone who has training to work with children/young people and this type of trauma.

RebootYourEngine · 16/04/2017 17:29

How old is your dd and how long has it been since you found out?

I feel so sorry for your dd and yourself. Its awful having to deal with something like this but having no idea how to deal with it.

Graphista · 16/04/2017 18:05

Glad you've cancelled but shocked you needed to second guess yourself on that!

Please don't put your dd in this position again. Frankly I think it best to distance yourself from the whole group at least for now. Just be 'busy' or 'family stuff I need to sort'

As some pps I'm actually concerned these people may already know what he's like.

Hope you manage to get your dd the support she needs asap terrible she's not yet considered a 'priority'.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 18:06

Managed to watch a few films with Dd and calm her down and then she broke down again Sad. She self harmed even more,told me she wants to die and that she can't stop replying what happened in her head. I suggested going to a&e or talking to me about it and she became so angry. Now she's sitting in the garden and wants me to leave her alone,so i will keep an eye on her.

I'm going to ring up young minds tomorrow and get advice if they're open but I'm really worried about her harming herself even more tonight.

It's been 2months since I found out and since we stopped seeing him and Dd is getting worse as time has gone on Sad

OP posts: