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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
SignOnTheWindow · 16/04/2017 22:13

How are you and DD doing, OP?

I know pp have said this, but please seriously think about calling the Samaritans, Childline or your local Crisis team tonight.

At the moment your DD's safety overrides her need for privacy. She is in crisis at the moment.

Wishing you and your DD a huge amount of luck and support. Flowers Flowers Flowers

FairytalesAreBullshit · 16/04/2017 22:25

I'll have a search on the internet and see if any other services can be of help.

I think the hardest thing is or was for me, the conflicting emotions, so you'd see what was happening maybe as a form of love, the idea that you associate intimate stuff with love, as a girl there's the overwhelming thing about is it my fault, am I a slag (sorry to use that word, I guess kids have a different word now) you've got judgement, they're an adult I'm a child, they know better than me. Strangely because of the way the adult is behaving you get emotions, so being young you might conflate it as love. So you get all the emotions associated with that. When it stops, if it stops, I think I'm not wrong in saying it's a bit like a break up. So you want to see them, but you don't want to see them. She might assume that the friends who were coming round know, so would judge her. I think having anyone connected keep in contact, but consider how this may act as a trigger.

She is so so lucky that you're such an amazing Mum, you've took it seriously and you're not blaming her. Is there any chance as rumours spread at school, she could be getting bullied?

I think the biggest thing is it's not your daughters fault, I would lock away any medication, get her to the emergency GP if she doesn't improve. Have her sleep with you so you she knows she's safe. She needs the Crisis Team, it's escalated to a point where she's harming and has suicidal ideation, it's a bit like a time bomb where you don't know when it'll go off. Not to scare you, but so you're super alert, so you get the Crisis Team input.

There must be another service she can access like the one advertised upthread so I'll have a search, hopefully there's something.

Speak to your daughter about whether she'd go to an emergency GP with you. Hopefully things can be fast tracked.

Flowers
wikedminx · 16/04/2017 22:38

OP, my heart goes out for you..
Re Cahms and the waiting list, My youngest who is now 17 has a history of self harming, She always tells me after she has done this, a while back she had been discharged from Cahms, but had a set back, I was worried about one of cuts, took her to A&E and they did an immediate referrel back to cahms, The A&E staff were very kind and non judgemental, their first prioroty was to make sure no damage to nerves and ligaments.
If you can get your DD to go, even tomorrow, it would be very good idea.
all the best xx

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 23:04

Dd is finally asleep in my bed now,though she's requested to sleep with the light on x I will talk to her tomorrow and look into crisis teams.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice,you are all amazing Star

OP posts:
Graphista · 16/04/2017 23:08

Oh bless her, gives you a bit of a rest too. You've had some great advice here I hope you both get the help and support needed Flowers

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 16/04/2017 23:33

Hi OP. I had asked about private therapy as obviously quicker but yes very expensive. You sometimes get people willing to take on clients at a lower price if newly qualified (not ideal for dd) or if they are able to to help out. Another way of accessing free support instantly is Childline. I was a counsellor for 7ish years. I left about a year and a half ago so my info may be a little out of date but hope not. So if she phones up and gives a name when she phones again she can say "can you look up my notes?" So she doesn't have to go through everything. Sometimes it's not possible for them to access notes if the room is a bit busy but it's an option. The name can be fake as long as she remember it. "Sarah from London" would be a really hard one to find notes for. Would need to be a fairly unusual name and last name too so easy finding, as I say can be totally fake.

The other way of working with childline is 121 online chat. And their the counsellor would be able to see a summary of previous chats so again although it's a different person each time they can have an idea so she doesn't have to disclose each time.

Do feel free to ask if you have any questions about how childline work.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 09:37

Thank you Graphista

girrafes thank you for all of that information,she's got a little card with the childline number and website from school and said she might consider using it whilst we sort out face to face counselling.

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 17/04/2017 09:51

Some counsellors do skype sessions. Not sure if you have to meet face to face first.

Piehunter · 17/04/2017 10:11

I would be very careful about just using any counsellor, rape crisis may be able to advise on specific services in your area, most areas will have specific counselling services for those whose suffered sexual abuse/violence and these therapists will be very highly trained in dealing with people who've been subject to that specific trauma. As she's 15 she may be able to access services that are usually aimed at adults, or sexual abuse counselling services may have a counsellor or therapist who usually works with young people.

Most bizarre that some pp's seem to think the whole friendship group should be cut off because of the actions of one, abusers are very clever and usually give no one any reason to suspect anything untoward. Whilst it may not be ideal to have them round at the moment it seems unreasonable to me to tar them with the same brush!!

Self harm that doesn't require emergency care will not likely be CAMHS highest priority (many many teens self harm!) but any evidence of suicidal thoughts and ideation should be reported to gp as that may elevate referral slightly. Be aware in some areas CAMHS won't see children who are "too ill" nor "not ill enough" it's a ridiculous situation, they are underfunded and can't be used as well as they should.

You sound like you're doing well at supporting her in whatever way she needs you Flowers

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 10:40

I've been on the phone to various agencies to find her some specialist counselling . Taken the day off work to look after Dd as she's very suicidal at the moment Sad

OP posts:
Piehunter · 17/04/2017 10:43

Oh wobble so so difficult for you both. I don't have any advice but I'm thinking of you. Your DD is lucky to have a mum that is able to understand and be supportive, there are too many that can't/don't. Can you phone OOH today or duty social worker, they may be able to advise further on crisis team or similar? I'm not sure what's available to you at that age.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 17/04/2017 10:49

OP it's not uncommon for victims to feel affection or even love for their abuser. It's called Stockholm Syndrome.

Have a read of this and see if it helps you to understand a little. If you want pointing to more detailed resources give me a shout.

counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 10:50

I've been advised again to take her to a&e but she's refusing to go. The said to call an ambulance if she gets worse

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 10:50

Thank you TheDevil

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 17/04/2017 11:50

If you can beg borrow or steal to be seen quickly with a private specialist counsellor, do so. I'd sell the car or take out a loan in your position. Nothing is more important than her life.

NotOneThingButAnother · 17/04/2017 12:45

The Papyrus link someone provided earlier looks good:

www.papyrus-uk.org

Is she due back at school tomorrow OP, will there be someone to stay at home with her if not?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 12:49

She's not back to school until next week. I'm already in trouble at work for having today off but what else can I do ? She has no one else to look after her

OP posts:
NotOneThingButAnother · 17/04/2017 12:50

Are you having to manage alone Wobble? No family?

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 12:53

I have my sister who lives up north and she's aware of the situation,she doesn't want to hear it,blaming it all on Dd so I've cut her off at the moment. Apart from the circle of friends mentioned in the post it's just me and Dd

OP posts:
NotOneThingButAnother · 17/04/2017 13:06

Wobble I'm so sorry. Its a whole pit of misery isn't it, most people would (thankfully) never realise. Obviously, if you could stay home that would be best, but if she has to be alone tomorrow, its even more important to see if you can establish a link with Childline or Papyrus or some sort of telephone/online support for her, so she can ring them tomorrow if she feels desperate.

Second - advice for you - this is one I used: www.mosac.org.uk
but unfortunately I am not sure they are open today.

This can be a fast moving situation, she might get worse then seem much better, then go downhill again. We're all giving advice but you are the one who has to take the decisions so I'd say do what you have to, to keep DD safe. Keep talking to her, and to us.

ALetter · 17/04/2017 13:06

What about the friend you told who also has DC? Can you lean on them a bit? I understand you wanting to keep this quiet until DD is ready and prepared but you need some support too while you are dealing with this.

Be kind to yourself- you can't fill a glass from an empty jug so giving yourself a chance to seek support is as important to your DDs wellbeing as making sure she has things in place.

Flowers
Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 13:33

Thank you so much to the both of you xx

The friend who I've told is not the most supportive of people,I can't see her having Dd over or being someone I could properly talk to about it

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 17/04/2017 14:33

How is DD doing today?

I can't remember seeing you mention him but is dad about at all? I've been trying to remember how I got through the early days and I remember my brother and his best friend watching films with me and scoffing pizza, we didn't talk about it, big bro still doesn't know the details but they reminded me that real men aren't like that, it helped a lot.

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2017 14:35

Why choose the most unsupportive of your friends to talk to? Hmm

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 17/04/2017 14:37

She's not doing to well today Sad had a sneak on her laptop and saw she's been looking at how to over dose.

Her dad isn't in her life,he's a very aggressive man and I managed to escape from him 4 years ago,he hasn't bothered to contact her since.

OP posts:
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