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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? *senstive subject*

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks downSad.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 11:28

It has been reported to the police ,she's spoken to them but couldn't tell them what happened. They've interviewed him and he's admitted to sending disturbing messages but nothing is being done about it until Dd talks to the police,they said she can do this at anytime . I'm not sure how the system works but surely he can be prosecuted for the messages? The gp referred her for counselling with camhs but her case isn't high priority and there is a waiting list

Dd has come down from her room now,she says she doesn't want him to ruin a day she enjoys and wants to go ahead with the dinner. I've told her if it all gets too much she doesn't have to stay downstairs with us.

I will call 111 and see what they advise as she's also cut her arm .

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:33

Bless her. She sounds brave. Self harm? Sad

Catherinebee85 · 16/04/2017 11:34

Can't tell you what to do but as someone who works in mental health crisis and sees adults daily who've been sexually abused in childhood I just wanted to say how positive it is that she is able to talk to you and is able to articulate how she is feeling so well. It bodes really well for the future. Keep doing what you're doing!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:37

I also agree with others that you shouldn't tell relatives until she is ready. Unless he poses a serious threat to their children. Once she's had counselling or seen a psychologist, she may be ready to speak to the police.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2017 11:38

Oh bless her, I know with Chams you have to be very severe for them to take a child on, can NSPCC recommend anything, or are you able to go private. Mabey go back to your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor, not Cahms. Yes call 111, or take her to A&E, they have a crisis child mental health team on call there. I have a dd who has ASD and I have been told this by a couple of people in the know.

Glad that she has come down and putting a brave face on. I would definitely inform family, so that they can be careful, and try and pursuade her to talk to the Police if you can.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2017 11:39

If he does pose a threat to children you do have to inform relatives.

MrsJayy · 16/04/2017 11:39

Hopefully it all goes ok and you have given her a get out if dinner and people get to much, I don't know how the system works either but i thought it would have worked better than this your poor child has been let down Sad, when you get a minute the Nspcc website has a section on grooming and sexual exploitation/abuse have a look on it cant link sorry

EweAreHere · 16/04/2017 11:42

Your poor girl. I'm so sorry, OP.

And I am infuriated on her behalf that she has to wait for crucial counselling. Can you tell them she's now hurting herself (sounds like she might be cutting) to see if that will speed things along? Any chance of getting charity counselling help? Going private?

I can't believe you're being let down like this. :(

MrsPringles · 16/04/2017 11:44

Oh my goodness. Your poor DD. Do whatever makes her comfortable, sod everyone else. I hope she finds the courage to speak to the police OP Flowers

UppityHumpty · 16/04/2017 11:55

I think you should cancel. Make up any excuse.

feathermucker · 16/04/2017 11:56

Cancel and spend the day doing whayever she wants.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 12:06

We've been advised to make sure her cuts are clean and not too deep and to go to a&e if she gets worse and to arrange an appointment with the gp and call rape crisis when open.

Went for a little walk with Dd to get some flowers and talk. We've decided to cancel and let another friend have our food and host.

Lots of films,chocolate and cuddles for Dd today xx

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
bugattiveyron · 16/04/2017 12:15

I'd cancel it at the drop of a hat in those circumstances Flowers

citrinelles · 16/04/2017 12:19

Ask your GP to make another referral to Cahms, as she is self harming she should now be considered high priority - awful that she wasn't before now but I know that due to budgets they do prioritise kids who are self harming or at risk of suicide. I know it's the Easter holidays but does she have access to a counsellor in school while she's waiting? She can normally self refer but if you contact the school and let them know what has happened to your daughter she would be seen within days, if not that day! - her teachers wouldn't be told anything about what is going on. I really feel for her, and you!

Footle · 16/04/2017 12:26

Are you absolutely sure they haven't been in contact with each other? It does sound possible that she is still being put under pressure.

hungryhippo90 · 16/04/2017 12:28

Poor DD. It must be awful for her. I was sexually abused by a family member of my younger sister.
It left me feeling really quite confused, and also like I was to blame. Not him, because he had been abusing me for a long time, but my fault, because it was found out, and it's then that everything changed.

The changes are going to be quite hard, she will find it completely confusing, and it will seem really unfair, especially if anyone chooses to take the wrong side in this.

Can I just give a little piece of advice? Please whatever you do, don't tell your friends that DD has had a breakdown/tantrum, or is being referred to Camhs or anything else that he may be able to use as ammunition to try and say that your DD is a mixed up girl who's making up stories. I know that seems like a really far fetched situation, but it does happen. These things are used to explain situations away.

I was four when the abuse was realised. He told family members that I was a little slag as if it was a reason!

The police involvement is also very hard. It can be very triggering to go through again.

I'm glad she has a mum like you to help her through this, you sound lovely! Hope you enjoy your walk, chocolate and cuddles!

WomblingThree · 16/04/2017 12:36

I'm wondering why he is still in your "group" to the extent that other people would wonder why he isn't coming. If you are all close enough that they are asking about it, then why on earth haven't you told them?

If I found out some disgusting pervert had abused my child, there is no way on earth I would want children of my friends or family to risk having anything more to do with him. Abusers are aided by silence. How much worse would you feel if one of your group knew he was a sick predator and didn't tell you.

(Before I get flamed, this is in no way victim blaming. The victim here is the little girl, and that bastard has screwed up her life)

skerrywind · 16/04/2017 12:38

I'd cancel- no hesitation.

PuffinNose · 16/04/2017 12:38

You know what your daughter needs. What is yoir instinct saying?
If you decide to cancel:
Do your visitors know the situation, even just that "sometging has happened which you are now dealing with? If so, I am certain they will understand if you cancel.
If not, then blame illnes.
If it goes ahead you need to maybe let them know your daughter isn't feeling well or something to give you the option of ending it abruptly if necessary.
Lots of love. X

PuffinNose · 16/04/2017 12:41

Actually, having just re-read yoir post. Are you saying the abuser is still in touch with your family/daughter? Why?
Apologies if I've misunderstood.

havingabadhairday · 16/04/2017 12:44

So sorry your daughter had gone through this, it's small comfort but at least you know. My parents still don't know.

Please look at other options for counseling, could you get in touch with your local sexual assault referral centre (sarc) and see if they can help, or at least signpost you somewhere that could see your DD quicker? You could also try contacting NAPAC, the NSPCC or perhaps your local Mind branch as they may know of local counselling services.

As others have said, please don't tell other people without your daughters permission. It's important that she has control over this, and don't emphasise keeping other children safe as that could make it feel to her that if he does it again that she's responsible for his actions.

She also might never feel ready to talk to the police.

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 16/04/2017 12:47

This is when I feel supportive of vigilante groups.

diddl · 16/04/2017 12:54

Sounds the best thing to do as what she's saying aren't matching her actions.

Just the thought that someone might ask why he isn't there/mention his name-what pressure for her.

Original poster
WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 12:59

I'm 100% not in contact with him since I found out and nor is my family . It's the circle of friends I'm having over for dinner that are still in contact with him . I haven't told the others because I want Dd to have support in place beforehand and advise on how to tell the others because I don't want it to become gossip amongst the group and have people saying 'that couldn't happen,not him'. For today I've just said we've got a bug.

I did speak to the school about counselling but the receptionist said that the counsellor is fully booked up. I was promised the head of year would get back to me so I could explain the situation and talk about how this is also affecting dd at school .

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 16/04/2017 13:07

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn; but I think inviting the entire friendship group of your child's abuser (I do appreciate that they're your friends as well) over for dinner en masse, when they have no idea what's happened and are still in contact with him is a little odd.
I can see why your poor dd is freaked out, tbh.