To want to raise unconscious racism issue with the hospital?

[funnyface80]

Trying to keep a long story short. Baby is mixed race and no one has ever questioned whether baby was mine before as she looks like us although more white than asian. Nanny is white. We are in hospital with a very distressed baby who only wants to be in my arms and we are waiting for some help. A&E notes talk about accident where both mum and nanny present. Doctor 1 comes into the room and starts talking to nanny as if she was mum even though baby clearly with me. I stop her questioning and say I'm mum as nanny would not have been able to answer these questions. No apology just a quizzical look. Later as we wait for further treatment, baby even more distressed and DH now present, Doctor 2 comes in and asks who is who. We introduce ourselves as mum and dad and then Doctor 2 (Asian) proceeds to talk to nanny as if mum. I say again quite firmly that I am mum. No apology. This time I'm quite cross as baby again in my arms and yet doctor simply ignored me when she walked in. Should I raise this unconscious bias with the hospital so their staff are thought to be more respectful and less racist even if its without malice?

Love in = move on

Interesting reading all these responses. Mumsnet forums are often representative or everything that is both right and wrong with the world. And such an emotive subject too. Many thanks for all those supportive comments. Amazing how quickly so many of you judged me without even reading my post properly because I chose to bring an issue which is similar many other 'minor' the likes of me face everyday. PigFace1 is spot on - what if this was sexism and in a workplace environment and a boss chose to speak to a male colleague about my hard earned work and ignored me - would I have to shrug that off too? And SunshineAllTheWhile - I'm assuming by your way of thinking you expect one to say nothing if if sexually harassed because surely there are so many people raped etc and so it is 'minor' too? And all those nasty nanny and parent comments. As mothers is this the sort of empathetic behaviour and principles you teach your kids?

I did say I was trying to keep a long story short. It was an emergency and ambulance involved - I could not have done anything else without nanny's help - who by the way is an employee and was paid to look after my child due to health/emotional issues - and because we have no family to help - hope that makes those twisted nasty posters feel good about making my shit day even shitter.

The main point was that the doctors behaviour was actually inefficient and meant they were not gong to get the right answers to help my child. It was also active - they chose to ignore me despite sating I was mum. I think RhodaBorrocks sums it really well and is exactly where I was coming from.

Finally, I work very closely with the NHS so know exactly how touch things especially on the frontline are but also of the massive inefficiencies and issues elsewhere in the organisation. But, I expect a decent level of service from medical staff who I pay for with my taxes - which did not get. Not raising an issue is surely a way of assuming I don't expect/hope things get better?

typo - how tough things are - not touch...

Sorry WannaBe but that's bollocks - I am and and act like a very hands on parent. Read my last post.

Having known many nannies through work and friendship I find it highly unlikely that a nanny would even WANT to clock off and go home if their charge was going to hospital, regardless of how competent or otherwise the mother might be with change bags etc.

(I was SAHM for 6 years I'd still want someone to help me with a change bag if taking baby to hospital. Especially if it was not my change bag but one packed and used by the nanny more often)

I agree OP it's unconscious bias and you could usefully report it. Sorry you've had a stressful time and a lot of flak on this thread.

What the hell, WannaBe?

What a spiteful thing to say. "one of the types of parents who defers the majority of child rearing to the nanny"? Bloody hell.

Both parents were present, along with the nanny. It's a reasonable assumption that the parents considered the nanny very much on duty...

Nobody said you weren't a hands on parent though OP, but the norm would be for the parent to take over in the event of an incident which meant the child ended up in hospital, so if the nanny was there as well it's not an unrealistic assumption that she is as much involved in the children's upbringing as the parent.

I didn't say it was right but that it's possible. And the fact is that there are parents who defer the care of their children to the nanny. To deny that fact is incredibly naive. They may not be the norm, but they do exist.

What's this about the changing bag? The nanny had to come along to manhandle the changing bag?? What on earth could be in there that needs an expert to navigate?

funnyface80:
Hope your little one is OK. Maybe don't take the comments on here too much to heart, it is AIBU.
I can think of a hundred reasons why someone may employ a nanny, and why that nanny may come to hospital with them when a child is unwell. To leap to the conclusion that the mother is "one of those types" who defers everything to the nanny, or is too precious to cope with a changing bag, is narrow minded and nasty.

Flogging, I think the op said that her dh joined them later. So initially it was just her and the nanny. Maybe the nanny should have gone home at that point, but maybe she wanted to stay (we don't know how ill the baby was), or maybe she needed a lift home, or maybe they didn't really think it through due to the stress of the situation.

To be fair, the nanny coming along to the hospital for support is understandable. Taking the nanny into the actual consultation with the doctor, when your DH is also by your side is slightly less so.
Why did they all crowd in?

My DD has an Asian first and surname - I am white, Dad is Asian. First name is also commonly used name in the UK. At one check up we were left to wait ages with the nurse coming in and out - only when I finally asked her who was she was waiting for she realised it was us. She was clearly looking for an Asian lady being mum (dd is quite pale skinned compared to Ds). Was I offended? No. It's an assumption I guess she made without thinking, no-one was being racist to us. There's not point making an issue out of a non issue.

I don't think you can say it's an assumption as Asian person is more likely to be hired help. A busy A&E doctor isn't going to have the first clue who the 2 people in the room are. Given few people have nannies why would a doctor be making as assumption the nanny is the mum and the mum the nanny? More likely they assume one is a friend. It's nothing like the North Korean TV interview set up.

YANBU!

I would ignore the comments from people being nasty about you having a nanny. There seems to be health professionals on this thread agreeing with you. It is important that the doctor speaks to the correct person so that they can get the right answers. Making assumptions without checking and ignoring you once you have confirmed is bad service and can potentially lead to errors. I understand they may have made a mistake and these things happen...giving feedback will help them in the future, make things more efficient and hopefully stop any related errors.

It's always the same on these types of discussions where a POC brings up an issue. I liken it to discussions of sexism - should we stop bothering with fighting the "smaller" issues related to sexism here in the UK, just because other countries have it worse? I say no! What's wrong with trying to improve things for everyone.

Lots of jealous posters on here who can't seem to put themselves in someone else's shoes where this can be a common occurrence. I have generations of family where the parents and children are completely different colours - so it's normal for me - but where it's not normal for people, maybe they could have some empathy?

You did get an excellent service from the NHS which your taxes pay for. You got excellent MEDICAL care. There was some confusion about who the parent was. Can you genuinely not see that this is beyond minor? How you can compare this to rape and sexual abuse I am not sure!

"A busy A&E doctor isn't going to have the first clue who the 2 people in the room are."
No, but if they had just asked, you'd think they would remember the answer. If they are so busy/tired that they can't retain that information, what else could they be missing?

Are you actually looking for something to complain about, op? Your op talks about feeling very "cross" with the doctor regarding this perceived disrespect as you held your ill child in your arms.
Most people wouldn't have had the headspace, in your situation.
Either then or now...

Darbs - maybe I am more critical that you, but I would think your situation was a problem. You were left to wait for "ages", as you say. So, not only you having to wait, but potentially holding up later patients appointments. Yes, it was an assumption, but if people can learn not to assume and to take a moment to check - then it could help make things more efficient. It's the same in the OPs post.

People always assume that my dad (light skinned but mixed race) is my husband's (white) dad rather than mine. So far, this has not been an issue as there has never been a situation like the OPs related to it.

I had another situation where a political canvasser came to my door and told me several times that I was not on the electoral roll. I told him I definitely should be as I have voted in the area for years. He then told me again, I'm definitely not on it. I asked him the names on the register and guess what - they were my partner and I's names. He assumed because of the colour of my skin that I would have some sort of ethnic sounding name! I did write some feedback to that political group that were organising the canvassing - it was kind but constructive. I did it because he annoyed me by telling me, fairly aggressively, over and over that I was wrong on my doorstep on a Sunday morning. I have more of these types of situations. It's fine for people to say that they're not an issue - you're looking for problems etc. but it wears you down when it's fairly common. You feel you have to fight for things that most people around you don't have to.

I wonder why the nanny didn't speak up and repeat to the doctor that the OP was the mother, not her. It must've been very awkward for her too.

People are being unnecessarily horrible. It's not a crime to have a nanny. Neither is it a crime to take your nanny with you to hospital when there's an emergency.

The lesson, surely, is that health professionals shouldn't make assumptions, and should actually bloody listen to what you're telling them. There was an excellent blogpost recently by a Mumsnetter about when her female partner gave birth and the way the health professionals couldn't get their head round the idea that the mother had a partner who was a woman. Which can't be that unusual in this day and age.

readingmedievalbooks.wordpress.com/2017/03/30/my-daughters-birth/

funnyface do you feel like you received excellent medical care? People are saying that you did but you were the one who was there. How did the conversation go? Did the doctor have to confirm things or ask questions?

To me, excellent medical care of a child where the parent is present includes treating the child, but also includes reassuring the parent, explaining issues, asking questions of the parent or confirming things with the parent. These are all skills that most medical professionals that I have been in contact appear to have.

If they are not addressing the parent, even after the parent says that they are the mum - are they providing excellent care? I know people will say I am being picky as this was an A&E situation but a little feedback does no harm and can only improve things. I don't think you are being unreasonable, as you are asking if you should raise unconscious bias even if it's without malice.

More comments without reading what I've said. legzakimbotheatre it was not excellent at all - it was passable. I am very grateful that we have an NHS but our experience has been very mixed. Some downright horrible - one of which was a life threatening situation that was misjudged. The doctors behaviour was symptomatic of this - not listening and making assumptions.