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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To want to raise unconscious racism issue with the hospital?

273 replies

funnyface80 · 11/04/2017 20:51

Trying to keep a long story short. Baby is mixed race and no one has ever questioned whether baby was mine before as she looks like us although more white than asian. Nanny is white. We are in hospital with a very distressed baby who only wants to be in my arms and we are waiting for some help. A&E notes talk about accident where both mum and nanny present. Doctor 1 comes into the room and starts talking to nanny as if she was mum even though baby clearly with me. I stop her questioning and say I'm mum as nanny would not have been able to answer these questions. No apology just a quizzical look. Later as we wait for further treatment, baby even more distressed and DH now present, Doctor 2 comes in and asks who is who. We introduce ourselves as mum and dad and then Doctor 2 (Asian) proceeds to talk to nanny as if mum. I say again quite firmly that I am mum. No apology. This time I'm quite cross as baby again in my arms and yet doctor simply ignored me when she walked in. Should I raise this unconscious bias with the hospital so their staff are thought to be more respectful and less racist even if its without malice?

OP posts:
CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 21:33

I'd raise it, no harm in raising it and staff being provided with some additional training or it being just brought to the forefront of their minds.

Reminds me of the recently viral video where the man was on skype giving a press interview, the baby and child came in, and many people assumed the mum was the nanny as she scuttled in to extract the kiddiewinks!

BackforGood · 11/04/2017 21:33

Reading this

Yabu. I am white and dh is Asian. Dd attends hospital on fairly regular basis and each time they ask if I am mother and dh is father. Neither of us have ever given it a second thought

It struck me that, whenever I've been in hospital with any of my dc, they've actually always asked all people present who they are. dh and I (or my Mum and I when she was able to come with me once) are both the same colour / heritage /race. It's just establishing who people are when they meet you - it's not because of the colour of your skin.

grannytomine · 11/04/2017 21:36

I took my 7 year old daughter to hospital, her 25 year old brother came with us. I don't know if he was more insulted that the doctors thought he was her father or that I was his wife. Just because they are doctors doesn't mean they are particularly good at working out who's who.

redwinewhine · 11/04/2017 21:37

How do you combat unconscious racism or bias? The problem with the idea is that the person doesn't even know they are having the thought. It's like chasing a ghost.

BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 11/04/2017 21:37

Actually I agree with you OP,
None of them asked the question if you were the mum. They just assumed that you were the nanny as you are Asian.

They are doctors. They should know that mixed race children are lighter in colour and that the skin colour of the mum has nothing to do with the skin colour of the baby.
Esp when you would expect the mum to be holding a very distressed baby, notbthe nanny.

The issue here is that they didn't automatically ask the question.

One possibility though is that they are under a lot of pressure and just go for shortcuts rather than a protocol of asking who the mum.

WellErrr · 11/04/2017 21:39

Like the BBC Korea correspondent interview where lots of people assumed the mum was a nanny?

I assumed she was the nanny, but only because she looked so fucking terrified. Not because she was Korean.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 21:39

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Atenco · 11/04/2017 21:39

Wow why are so many people jealous that op has a nanny?

Very strange indeed.

OP, I had the opposite in Mexico. My baby dd was dark and I am blonde. I kept all the forms from the hospital because at the time Mexicans were very wary of American childless couples stealing babies. Then the massive earthquake happened and twice in the following month people asked me if I'd adopted an earthquake baby.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 21:40

The issue here is that they didn't automatically ask the question

Except OP says they did.

WellErrr · 11/04/2017 21:41

No need for that Nabobs, what a nasty remark Hmm

3/4 of being in A&E is just sitting about, you don't need to stare at and think solely of your child the whole time.

CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 21:42

Doctor 1 didn't ask question, assumed Nanny was Mum

Doctor 2 asked questioned, was told Mum was Mum, started speaking to Nanny as though she was the Mum

Forgettheworld · 11/04/2017 21:42

I work for the NHS and had several occasions where I've accidentally called someone "your son" when it's their husband or "your husband" when it's their son. People usually just correct me and I apologise, feel a bit daft then forget about it. Touch wood nobody's suggested I have more training or accused me of being ageist.

CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 21:44

redwine There's training courses :-) I am required to do one per year. They are actually really useful (i try to mix mine up so I may do race one year, and focus on gender / sexuality the next).

PlayOnWurtz · 11/04/2017 21:45

No but the bit where the Drs are in with you and your child you kind of concentrate on the important bits at those times.

ShastaBeast · 11/04/2017 21:46

It's lazy thinking and we all do it, even if we shouldn't. But there is usually no bad prejudice even if it offends. I've been asked to confirm I'm mum due to them thinking I am younger, I've been mistaken for a sister (Child was 5) or even for being the child concerned (I was thirty fucking two), it pisses me off but it isn't actually ageism, it's not intentional. I don't think I look that young, perhaps OP looks younger than the nanny and it's age rather than race.

hibbledobble · 11/04/2017 21:48

This is not racism in any shape or form.

Doctors, and other hcps are obliged to ask who is attending with a child for child protection reasons. They cannot make assumptions.

squishysquirmy · 11/04/2017 21:49

I completely understand why you were annoyed - its not wrong of the doctors to ask who everyone is, but it is wrong of them to keep acting as though the nanny was the mum after you had already told them otherwise.
Also think you are getting an unfairly harsh time for bringing the nanny to hospital with you. I don't know what happened, but I can imagine plenty of circumstances where I had to take my baby to A&E in which I would be panicking, and very grateful for a second adult to come too. Obviously, if I was by myself, I'd manage, but if there was another adult there - be it a grandparent, friend, or nanny, then they would come with me unless there was a good reason for them not to.
I hope your baby is OK. Flowers

unlucky83 · 11/04/2017 21:49

I think you are overreacting ...two youngish women, one looks more like the DC than the other. No different really than an older mum (just 40!) I know who someone assumed was the grandmother.
I'm white - my DCs are mixed race (arabic).
In the hospital a few hours after DC1 was born they change staff - one of them looked at DC, got a doctor to look at her - after a bit of dithering they decided she was jaundiced and put her under the UV lamp. When DP came in later and this midwife saw him (for the first time) DC was taken from under the lamp...
Pretty sure the fact DC was mixed race was in my notes - but failing that they could have asked me...but I guess they might have felt awkward about that...
DC also had a Mongolian blue spot - when I noticed it I was really puzzled about how she had got a bruise. I was seeing the GP for something else and got them to look at it - they knew her father wasn't white and told me what it was...they also put it in her notes and advised me to inform any HCPs who saw it that she was mixed race.

DC2 had one too (smaller than DC1s). I showed the HV and she noted it and told me to point it out too - so no one got the wrong idea Hmm
DC are actually quite fair skinned - so, of course, anyone seeing as I was the mother and then something like that could jump to the wrong conclusion - they'd be wrong to do so - but then again it would be understandable.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 11/04/2017 21:53

Going against the grain, I think it's perfectly reasonable to raise this. I don't know that I'd necessarily couch it so much as an unconscious bias thing ("the Asian woman is the nanny" / "I should mainly address myself to the white woman") - I think it's more a helpful reminder of how very very light-skinned mixed race children can be, especially babies. They could mention "just because a baby looks white at first glance, doesn't actually mean that baby is white" around about the same time they mention how frequent blue spot birthmarks are in non-Caucasian infants, for example - there's another random bit of ethnicity ignorance that's often caused doctors to upset families!

kali110 · 11/04/2017 21:53

This is a non issue.
Everytime i've been in hospital qnd my nother has been with me they've asked who she is.
When i've been with my aunt and mil they assumed that they were my mother Grin
I hope your dd is ok.

melj1213 · 11/04/2017 21:54

YABU

Whenever I take my DD to appointments, the doctor/HCP always clarifies my relationship and I just say "I'm DDs mother" and we move on.

Having your nanny there may have thrown them and whilst they heard "mum and nanny" they didn't process which was which and assumed that the one holding the baby was the nanny.

I mean why else would you have the nanny at the hospital if they weren't there to deal with the baby while you dealt with the admin/doctors etc? It would be one thing if the nanny had brought your DC into the hospital and you'd met them there or something, but to have the nanny there doing nothing while you deal with DC does make it a bit confusing as to which of you is the employee that is being paid to care for the child.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 11/04/2017 21:54

Ha - cross posted with unlucky!

Flowersinyourhair · 11/04/2017 21:56

If you're in A and E with a baby following an 'incident' then I think you have bigger fish to fry to be honest.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 21:58

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EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/04/2017 22:00

I mixed white/Asian don't look Asian but people didn't think I was my mum's daughter I look bit foreign my mum is blonde/green eyes and now people often don't realise ds is mine (he is fair) and have assumed he is my friends child (this has happened with two different friends)

I don't know anyone who is mixed Asian and white (Asian as in South Asia India/Pakistan etc) who looks mixed race more often Mediterranean colouring which is considered white

People don't realise my dad is my dad until they take a good look and realise I look very much like him but fairer I wouldn't take it to heart it's going to happen