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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
TheSconeOfStone · 11/04/2017 18:52

Your friend should have kept her opinion to herself. Cut back on the childcare favours if you're feeling put upon.

ElspethFlashman · 11/04/2017 18:53

I honestly wouldn't want a marriage where I had to pack for my DH.

Don't care how busy he is.

Don't assume that the men who pack for themselves aren't also working up to the last minute - they still manage to throw their few bits into a bag. Takes 10 mins FFS.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 18:53

Giddy, her husband is probably more hands on with things like cooking, so when we go round there for lunch it's more of a joint effort for them. She has joked to DH a few times about his total lack of cooking contribution, unless it's barbecue, but it's always been as a joke. She gets on with him well, I thought.
Anyway, If nothing else I realise I'm probably in the packing minority, so thankyou!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 11/04/2017 18:53

It was an odd outburst sounds like she was furious do you moan about your family doing sod all OP and she flipped

QuitMoaning · 11/04/2017 18:55

I pack for my partner and he is not a child. He gets out anything specific he wants otherwise I just do the rest and put it in the one suitcase. We always leave around 3am Sunday as he works until midnight on a Saturday (he has a catering business) and I am around on the Saturday as I have traditional Monday to Friday job.

It makes sense for me to organise it for the family. Boys don't want to come away with us anymore but they did their own packing when old enough, with a few guidance comments from me.

I do resent comments on here when people say we shouldn't do stuff for our husbands/partners. My OH works 70 hours a week and I work 35 so I do more in the home than he does but i still get more downtime. He does any chore I ask and is incredibly good at doing stuff off his own back so I don't mind doing stuff for him, we are a family who share.

TizzyDongue · 11/04/2017 18:57

I already suggested that MrsJayy, it was either overlooked or ignored.

So your husband doesn't cook OP, what else doesn't he do?

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2017 19:00

Your friend was rude in her approach to this but sometimes people have a good point even if they make it badly. Maybe it's time to think about all the areas of your life where people take you for granted, including husband, family and friends who want childcare favours.

Naicehamshop · 11/04/2017 19:00

The thing is, you always get people on here saying that their dh wouldn't have a clue what to pack... err, that's because his mummy always did it for him, and now you always do it for him! If he is perfectly capable of holding down a job, then he is perfectly capable of packing a suitcase.

Op, you say that your dh takes over when you arrive on holiday and does all the driving etc, but don't you see that you are dividing work into men's work (important stuff) and women's work e.g. cleaning, ironing, packing (menial stuff)?

Up to you, and she does sound rude if you were helping her by looking after her child, but I'd be a bit Hmm at you rushing round like a 50's housewife as well.

TimTamTerrier · 11/04/2017 19:02

If we are all going then I tell the DC to bring me x number of t-shirts, pants, shorts etc and I pack them and leave space for H to pack his stuff. It's only because I can't be bothered spending the first day of every holiday shopping for the things we forgot. If it's just H and one or both DC then I let him sort it out, I don't care whether he has to go shopping or not.

I think a snappy text is in order "Dear friend, how I run my own household is nobody else's business. However I am considering reducing my workload by stopping looking after other kids, especially those with rude parents." Grin

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 19:03

Sorry Tizzy - I don't moan to her about DH, I don't think? I wouldn't say he's lazy, but can be quite in his own zone and it takes him a few days to wind down when we go away.

OP posts:
UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 11/04/2017 19:05

She was very rude, and I would never say that to anyone. However I would think to myself that it's very odd for an adult to pack for another adult. I can't imagine ever packing for my dh unless he was incapacitated in some way.

Can't remember what age I stopped packing for the dc but I imagine by 12 they were probably packing for themselves with me giving them reminders about swimming trunks etc.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 19:16

I know what you're saying Naiceham, but often things just go like that because life can be a rush.

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 11/04/2017 19:17

DH does all our packing, he's a logistical master. I get out piles of clothes for me and the kids, they're only preschoolers though. At 12 I think I would expect dc to provide their own pile of clothes.

I wouldn't choose his clothes to pack because I figure that's up to him. But it makes sense for one person to pack it all, doesn't it?

ElspethFlashman · 11/04/2017 19:20

I know Naice it's always baffled me.

How can an adult not know what to pack??!

I mean, my DH gives zero fucks about his clothes. He googles what the weather is going to be like and that decided whether he brings the light hoodie or the heavy hoodie. It's not rocket science!

I want to know what holidays people are going on that their DH "always gets it wrong". I can only imagine that they go on fantastically luxe cruises and have to dine at the Captain's Table in full black tie and their DH mortifies them by turning up in (gasp!) jeans.

Ecureuil · 11/04/2017 19:23

I want to know what holidays people are going on that their DH "always gets it wrong"

I was thinking this. DH just takes shorts, t-shirts and a hoody! Which he packs himself.

motherinferior · 11/04/2017 19:23

DP packs in five minutes flat. He takes everything. I pack in a targeted and planned manner.

I imagine if I offered to pack for him he'd be somewhat taken aback.

Naicehamshop · 11/04/2017 19:24

Sorry op - my life was a rush when my children were young. I worked part time and helped to run a business, but I didn't infantilise my dh by running around after him as if I was his mother.

Your choice, of course, but I think you are making a rod for your own back here.

NapQueen · 11/04/2017 19:27

You came back off holiday, had two days to get turned around ready for the next one and spent them minding her dd??? She should be more fucking grateful thats for sure!

kmc1111 · 11/04/2017 19:38

When we did family trips with kids I'd always pack for everyone. The kids had their own small-ish cases, but a lot of shared/mixed stuff would go in mine and DH's cases. If we both packed we'd pointlessly double up or else waste time comparing notes.

I was the one who did it because I enjoy packing. DH would put it away when we got home because I'm not so fond of that part.

Your friend was being really rude. Even if she has a point and your DH doesn't do much, she went about bringing it up in such a hostile way I can't imagine her intention was to support you.

KayTee87 · 11/04/2017 19:40

My husband irons and I pack.

However it's none of her business how your family works.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 19:44

Thankyou for all your views. I think if I told DH to sort himself out he would think I was being rude leaving him out or trying to make a point.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 11/04/2017 19:49

So what if you are making a point?

Pinkypierainbowdash · 11/04/2017 19:52

Wow what a fucking cheek she has.I would have said something along the lines of
"We cant all have good relationships just because you feel your husband isnt any help or had it good for too long .you dont need to project about mine .we are happy i pack the case he has other jobs to do;)

Then would have said im busy packing close the door on your way out wont youx

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 11/04/2017 20:18

I wouldn't pack for DH not for any other reason than I assume he likes to pick what he wears on holiday (he sometimes gets me to go through the suitcase with him to check he hadn't forgotten anything. Either will pack for 4year old DS. DS is in charge of packing his own toys (we give a once over just to make sure). But do what works for you

Frazzled2207 · 11/04/2017 20:20

She was rude.
My df has never packed a case.
Dm always does it for him, and there are usually "did you not pack x" arguments when they get where they are going.

Dh sorts his own clothes out, and I sort everything else, including all the food bits if we're going self-catering, and all the kids stuff (they are only 2 and 3). However sometimes I think it would be easier if I did dh's as he tends to leave it till
11pm when we are leaving the house at dawn.

Don't worry what she thinks and have a lovely holiday x