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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 11/04/2017 17:50

I pack for DH. I ask him what he wants, add a few bits that he's forgotten, and pack. Is it any big deal? I see it as akin to making him a brew (and him making me a brew); cooking a dinner that we'll both eat (and most times he does the cooking); changing pillowcases on both sides of the bed at the same time ... I know that's a silly example, but I'm making the point that not everybody has to do everything for themselves individually; sometimes one partner can do things for both.

FaintlyBaffled · 11/04/2017 17:51

It baffles me that anyone gives a shit TBH Grin
DH is fairly useless and needs to be reminded that, for example, we will be going out to dinner on Wednesday night so will need to pack a jacket. Even he though can accumulate a reasonable pile of trollies and tshirts and leave them in a pile to be put in the bag.
OTOH I often pack for us both as he tends to work right up until we leave, so it seems fair. DS(12) has packed for himself for a few years now, though I do surreptitiously check he hasn't packed all hoodies and jeans for a trip to the Med in August again Hmm

RiversrunWoodville · 11/04/2017 17:51

I pack for DH one reason is he does lots of other things for me so why not and another is he has somewhat dubious taste in clothes Wink. Our dds are 6 and 2 so I also pack for them although dd1 does help. However I wouldn't dream of commenting on what other people do or thank anyone for commenting how we do it. Have a lovely holiday op!

Stiddleficks · 11/04/2017 17:52

I pack for the kids and have packed for dh before if he's working long shifts before we go. But equally he has packed for me before too, if I give him a brief idea of what to chuck in.

It's none of her business how you do it, sounds like there is something else is bugging her too with the martyr nonsense though.

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/04/2017 17:52

I don't pack for DH. He wouldn't pack for me (though he did once have to bring me emergency supplies to hospital after I was unwell, he actually did a good job of finding appropriate stuff, which surprised MIL who assumed he would fall apart without a woman to help him). I help DS2 to pack as he's 6 (mostly suggestions like "you're going to need some pantaloons you know") but DS1 is 11 and can be trusted to pack for himself fairly sensibly.

Nobody's business but yours who does what in your house, though.

00100001 · 11/04/2017 17:53

Oh I couldn't be doing with the latest minute packing! Everything big gets put in the car the night before and all hand luggage/day bags are packed and ready by beds for the morning. Including travelling clothes. Breakfast is always "to go" and will be a small something like a cereal bar or a muffin to tide you over to Proper Breakfast. Which is always about an hour in to the journey or at the airport.

We get up, quick wash, get dressed grab bags and go! No stress as everyone and everything is ready.

No fannying about in the Binary Household Grin

WritingHome · 11/04/2017 17:54

DH works very long hours and usually right up to the hour we are leaving for any trip (joys of being self employed)
He selects what he wants to bring and I pack it into the bag. I am far neater at folding and packing than he is (years of teenage job in a t-shirt factory, expert folder!).

I remind him a week or so before we travel to make sure he has out anything he want to bring into the laundry / dry cleaners.

I don't mind doing any of this. I do the same for dd (11) ask her toi select her clothes for x amount of days in x type of weather and I fold and pack them.

On the flip side dh does all the last min house stuff before we travel - hoovering, mopping, general tidying as well as checking in on line, printing off boarding passes etc as he likes doing that stuff and I hate it. It works out even enough imo. He also sort animals for kennels / cattery and drops them off etc

If we are travelling long haul (from bitter experience) I pack a bit of everyones stuff in each case so if one doesn't turn up we are not totally stuck.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 11/04/2017 17:54

I pack for everyone and don't see a problem with this.

shirleycartersaidso · 11/04/2017 17:54

I am shit at packing. I lay out all my clothes and the kids, DH packs them. He sorts his own stuff out. It's got nothing to do with her anyway!

SideOrderofSprouts · 11/04/2017 17:55

He sorts out what he wants to take I pack it..

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:56

It's very out of character for her. She seemed quite upbeat when she first arrived.

Hulda - no I don't generally moan about DH to her, though she knows he works long hours and she knows what he's like. When she was between jobs a while back, she did make a few statements about being very bored and frustrated at home and she doesn't know how I can stand it. Not in a nasty way, but it didn't make me feel great.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 11/04/2017 17:56

If you are happy to pack for your DH and DCs it's no one else's business.

I have never packed my DH's case and my DDs started doing their own packing at around age 6-ish. I used to help them to make sure they didn't miss something important.

Your friend is BU.

LookAtAllTheBullshit · 11/04/2017 17:59

I pack for all of us (2adults, 2 children), I'm a spread a bit of something for everyone between however many cases in case 1 gets lost so we all have something.
It's easier to plan what's needed.

MrsTwix · 11/04/2017 17:59

I know she said it in a rude way, but maybe she is worried about you if your husband and children are walking all over you and not pulling their weight.

I sometimes pack for DH as a favour to him or if he is doing something else like the washing up or whatever.

What was your DH doing while you packed? Was he watching TV or was he working?

As for children, no I would never pack for a 12 year old. It's an important life and organisation skill they need to learn for themselves. Personally for average children I would expect a 6 year old to pack one small bag with toys they want to take, but to have clothes packed for them, an 8 year old to need some help and supervision choosing and packing clothes, a 10 year old to need reminding how many pairs of pants etc, and a 12 year old to be able to pack totally independently.

delilahbucket · 11/04/2017 17:59

I pack for all of us, although dp has to get out the clothes he is taking. I'm just better at making it fit neatly in a bag/suitcase and I'm more organised so less likely to forget something.

MrsTwix · 11/04/2017 17:59

Sorry just seen you said he works a lot.

delilahbucket · 11/04/2017 18:01

Forgot to add, DS is 9 so he doesn't pack his normal luggage for himself. He does pack toys/books etc in a backpack for the journey though. I always check the bag before we leave.

happypoobum · 11/04/2017 18:01

Although no, I would not dream of packing for another adult, or for DC in double figures, I think your friend was very rude.

Agree with PP re cross packing across cases in case one goes missing though..................

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 18:02

Maybe I should get DS to do his own stuff as he's 12. Nobody folds anything and I suppose I just want to know it's done and not have to buy stuff once we arrive.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 18:02

I think it's weird but I'd never say so. I think it's a tiny bit odd to pick out clothes for another person, iron them and pack them. DH and I both pick out our own stuff and one of us packs it.

It's like buying someone else's underwear. I know people do it, I just find it infantilising.

HorridHenryrule · 11/04/2017 18:03

Your friend sounds lovely and she should appreciate a friend like you. I don't think you packing for the kids and your husband is unusual at all. Your friend should treat you better.

GrumpyOldBag · 11/04/2017 18:04

I'd never, ever pack for my DH.

And my kids have been packing their own cases since they were about 10 - although when they were younger we'd have a discussion about how many pants, socks etc they needed to put in.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 11/04/2017 18:05

, she did make a few statements about being very bored and frustrated at home and she doesn't know how I can stand it. Not in a nasty way, but it didn't make me feel great.
She's quite rude your friend!
I used to know someone like that - used to comment on my office based job ' I can see I suits you...but I just couldn't do something like that, I'd get bored..but so long as you enjoy it..'. As it happens, I was sometimes bored myself, but I did it to support my DCs, which was a good enough reason for me.
You should find something she enjoys, and say 'I wouldn't do that, its boring/demeaning/whatever she wouldn't want to be!

SquedgieBeckenheim · 11/04/2017 18:05

I pack for DH. He gets his stuff out but I put it in bags. That way I can pack one bag. He's perfectly capable and when going on exercise packs his own, but when going as a family I do it all. Then we don't forget as much stuff!

lilyrose85 · 11/04/2017 18:06

I don't pack for my husband but it's not that I wouldn't it's more just if I forget something I don't want to take responsibility for it. He's usually quiet good at throwing some clothes together at the last minute which involves an argument as to why he can't be organised barely getting to the airport on time and then me been peeved as I wanted to go to duty free and we've no time Grinyanbu to want to pack for your husband but your friend sounded rude in how she said it to you